Tag Archives: sorry

Neurotoxicity

this tiredness

melts into everything

and burns into your

mercurial core

until it turns into lead

and circulates into

your system;

weighing you down

paralysing you,

poisoning your veins

until you’re stupid,

sluggish,

stuporic,

lethargic and cold,

and every hue of

your senses

dulled down into

pencil graphite grey,

and it’s all you

can do to push before

the point breaks;

you run out of

words to say, you

run out of excuses to

give, you run out of

your willingness

to continue the story…

so you stop caring

and become

this lazy,

complacent,

apathetic,

hedonistic man

with a disregard for

his own sake

as well as others.

yes, you are working

hard, but only

to avoid interaction,

going outside,

listening to others,

possible conflicts,

social contact;

to avoid everything

that you once

enjoyed and loved,

and to keep

your intents behind

deprecating assurances

and passive acts.

you don’t know what went wrong.

you have everything

and everyone waiting for

you out there,

waiting for you to

hold on, keep up, go on

but the lead is

detaching your tongue,

replacing your blood,

constricting your diaphragm,

shriveling your organs

from decaying and necrosis,

clouding your neurons,

it’s already killing you inside

but no one ever notices

it’s a perfect slow suicide;

the masochistic cure.

and you’re too tired

to even give a shit anymore,

and you’re just tired

to do any of those things;

to stand up,

walk it off,

set to the future,

and change your ways—

it’s cliché, but hell,

you know that you’re

already fucked

and you’re just too tired

to fucking care.

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letters to s.d.: final fragment #8 {postscript}

Sent: June 28, 2017
Received: August 19, 2017

.

[REDACTED]c, p[REDACTED]re fucking for[REDACTED]le m[REDACTED]e.

.

i failed you.

i thought i could win

but i just let override me

i let it bite my skin

i let it numb and desensitise me

i can’t look you in the eye

as you tell me i’m at my best

but i look at your scars

and it feels like a stab in the chest

if you can, then i can too

but fuck, guess we’re both wrong

despite all my attempts

despite all your painless songs

save the time, as i’m falling

so goddamn stop me

but you can’t help anymore

it’s not like the way it used to be

this was…all for you

all for you alone, all this time

and aren’t i so selfless

to pay you with my crimes?

i remember that you always say

“darlin’, you’ll okay”

and i want so badly to believe

but i have a short breaking point

and this is all i can give

the choice is mine for the taking

what’s another funeral wake?

i’ve gone in far too deep in

and  i’m left with vanished stars

so i can only pick the best

and if i die, i can finally awaken

i’m a coward, i know

but you don’t have to be

struck with contrition for a

guileless naïve stranger

hell, i’m never strong enough

to overpower my own foolish self

that much, at least, is true

no, i’m just not fucking strong enough

f     o     r        y     o     u.

i’m so sorry, s.d.

.

but before i say goodbye permanently, i would like to confess that you’r[CONTENT MISSING]

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the taint

don’t let me be the martyr

who shall break your skin

to be the glimmering teeth

baptising you your first sin

.

don’t let me be responsible

staining the gabardine silk

sully not such chaste ivory

this is not sheer selfish will

.

i do give a damn about you

hell, don’t you fucking see?

and i’m just trying my best

so you don’t end up like me.

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gone.

i want to

s a v e  y o u

because i

couldn’t save

m y s e l f.

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deep cut

I’m relapsing down again

There’s desperation everywhere

And it’s fucking contagious

It’s just another one of those days

Where I’m sinking in misery

And suffocating in my own self-pity

For no rational reason at all

That it’s almost pathetic

It is fucking pathetic.

I’m feeling the need badly

To colour my world with carmine

And murder my twisted veins

But I can’t, I shouldn’t—

I thought I called a ceasefire

But it’s burning in my heart

Tearing apart my mind with screams

And making my senses recede

Into senselessness that ironically

I can cancel out with one

Silver glint and a single slash

But I won’t, I musn’t—

And yet I really fucking should.

The crave is almost unbearable

I can’t resist falling in from the sin

Please pray, please understand

I need the pain to breathe

My lungs refuse to provide oxygen

I need this pain to live

I really don’t want to…

But I have to.

Please don’t let me touch the blade

Please don’t let my skin touch the blade

Please don’t let me…

D o n ‘ t . . .

I’m sorry.

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humility

if stupidity

was defined

for reality

you’d see my

face in the

dictionary

and if humility

was all there

was to gain

then i never

wanna see

your face

ever again.

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Schreiende Sterne

Tears from agony

And tastes like burning skin

There’s a solemnity

Indulged in your screaming

A cold childish sorry

Of another blood scintillating

A summer catastrophe

Of failed dusty stars colliding.

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metal & skin (ix.)

i can’t

blame you

for this

bladed tragedy

after all

i’m just a curious

actor who

wanted to be part

of a story.

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letters to s.d.: fragment #6 {promise}

darling, you[REDACTED] be [REDACTED]ay

.

i’m sorry.

i didn’t mean to.

what have i done.

i won’t think about it.

i won’t do it again.

for you, i’ll try.

not to die.

.

fuck fuck fuck fuck i’m d[REDACTED].

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letters to s.d.: fragment #5 {irony}

i ate sh[REDACTED] and vom[REDACTED]ed razor blades.

.

i’m sorry

i’m not strong

enough

to listen to

your words

i know you

did this before

and it fucking

H U R T

so you stopped

for your sake

but i’m not you

i only wish i

was with you

you’re the only

person who

believes in me,

and you never

met me in your

whole life

isn’t that funny?

i can’t stop.

after all,

it only hurts

when i laugh.

.

smile until the pa[REDACTED] turns to [REDACTED] and ashes.

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