Tag Archives: story

letters to s.d.: fragment #7 {heights}

i lo[REDACTED] [REDACTED]ou [REDACTED]tor, alw[REDACTED] remember.

.

please don’t…

i can’t bear the thought

of this pen moving

and throwing up useless

bullshit yet again…

why do i try? why do i try?

i want to reach for you.

you’re only five feet five inches

short, but when i stand on

your shoulders, i see the whole

universe tearing itself up

apart in neon explosions and

consternated constellations,

and i’m the maestro conductor,

tapping away and waving

the concatenations, every beat

of discord, and the astral

symphony of an entropy.

save me with your caramel arms

don’t let me get sucked in

by the impending black hole

that nullifies every cell, every

song, every damn belief

in my body and system, until

i am reduced to cosmic echoes

of a voided wavelength,

fraudulent e.m.p.t.i.n.e.s.s.

and somehow i would rather

let this planet eat me away.

but don’t let my god go

away for me, love every comet

and asteroid as if it were

my heartbeat and soul,

manipulate the disaster of

my negative existence,

and kiss me goodnight on

this somnolent moontide.

i stopped these knives for you

i’ll make you proud again.

this time, i won’t let the demons

steal my comets and win.

my dearest s.d., you were

always a giant standing among

toy soldiers, so commandeer

the garrison of the angels straight

to heal my stretched humanity

and make my universe spin

once again. i’ll wish for your

comforting star each lonely night,

s.d., so please watch over me

and hope i don’t fall away this time.

love, wishes, and goodbye; signed,

your bleeding little blue moon.

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letters to s.d.: fragment #4 {lyricism}

you sing with [REDACTED] and i fu[REDACTED] and my voice up.

.

darling,

oh how i wish

i could sound

as profound

and as delicately

eloquent as you

when i speak

of this damn world’s

darkest chasms

but instead

i only end up

complaining unfair

and seething

childishly in

maudlin dramatics,

in my tongue

there’s a taste of

bitter spasms.

.

how can i say i [REDACTED]e you?

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letters to s.d.: fragment #3 {selfish}

why can’t i fucking keep [REDACTED] from [REDACTED] the world?

.

please save me

when i don’t wanna

be saved, ‘cause

i just can’t be saved

i’m too damn weak

i’m too fucking tired

i’m just wasted away

i’ve spent nights

screaming at the top

of the balcony

until my lungs beg me

to calm the hell down

you told me not to do it

but temptation crushed

me in its serpentine hold

and why do you care?!

i’m not worth your time

i’m not worth any of

your vocal paintings

in lacquer and grey

i know you’ll never

write songs for me

when i am hurting

or when i am lonely

or when i’m miserable

and hell, all three

effects simultaneously

and i know you

won’t stop singing

even when i’m gone

your serenades are never

mine to hide to myself

as a decadent secret

i’m just not, you’re just not.

but why?

why do you keep the

rusty razors from dancing

on my leather heart?

why do you make me

vain to feel every pain

when i loathe emotions

and it hurts even more?

why do you keep me

awake all night, like a

paranoiac insomniac, but keep

me alive all damn day?

why do you make me

believe you wholeheartedly

when you softly say

“darling, you’ll be okay”?

why do you make me

laugh as i start to cry

and cry as i start to laugh?

why? why? why?

why do you even try?

why do i even lie?

why is it always you?

why do you keep me from fucking dying?

and why don’t i fucking care?

.

why [REDACTED] listening [REDACTED] shit?

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letters to s.d.: fragment #2 {inked}

vi[REDACTED]inc[REDACTED]te[REDACTED]

.

the tattoo of your name

embedded in the mutilated

skin of my arms, reminds

me of why i’m surviving

this wreckage of a war

they look at it like it’s dirty,

i’m besmirched with black

but it’s the only tether to reality

that keeps pulling me back.

.

to[REDACTED]rry [REDACTED]ime pre[REDACTED] mik[REDACTED]nte[REDACTED]

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letters to s.d.: fragment #1 {lifeline}

To: S.D., West Coast
Southern California
Return address: V.M.J.T.
Tijuana, Mexico

dear s.d.,

i don’t know how to begin,

but I know where it all starts.

it starts with me carving

gold stars on my wrists

and leaving tissues stained

with a beautiful shade of red

sopping over the metal kitchen sink,

glinting a hypnotic silver like

the blade in my trembling hands

…and that’s where it all was

simply supposed to have ended.

but apparently i’m still alive

and instead of wasting my blood

i’ll use the rusty ink to write

to you instead. so, how are you?

i miss the thought of losing you

and your silly uttered promises.

you said you’ll be the catalyst

to my raging cancer, but I’m still

crippled and weak from the fear.

you also told me you’d come to

separate my throat from my own

cold dead hands, but you’re still

missing and I’m still meaningless.

your lies are inebriating, darling.

you keep running circles in my

one-track mind 24/7, 365 days,

but I don’t think of you enough

or otherwise I wouldn’t have

proceeded with painting my

paper skin with rubious liquid

before shredding it to pieces

like any other filthy, disgusting

untoward abstract art deserves.

as my guts twist and untwist like

the grey earphone cords jammed

in my ears, blasting this fucking

world away with fake allegories

of a boulder hard lullaby melody,

and your voice screams the song

that i fell hard for. i’m fully aware

that you were singing it for bella,

not me, and it’s so bittersweet

yet still I could not help myself

and a blossomed ironic quivering

smile collides against the pain—

fugacious, but for a moment

everything seemed quite normal

(but the moment of normalcy

was ruined by the knife biting

down distractedly on my flesh).

oh, your remedy and memory is

killing me slowly, worse than the

disease. we liked to run our blood

thin, but you divorced this addiction

and turned to singing, rivers calming

your tantrum storms, while I kept

relapsing to the blades that love to

feel, screaming in the showerhead

as scalding water pours and prepares

my temperature for inevitable hell.

i simply cannot help it, darling.

in this purgatory existence, there

are only momentary limbos of a

cumulonimbus paradise, before the

mocking angels snatch it away from

me, out of my reach; and make it rain

glass shards and wasteland debris

to maim my intravenous drugged veins

and they didn’t take you from me;

no, they goddamn dragged you halfway

around the fucking universe to keep

your gospel lips unattainable forever.

this ritual is only my blood sacrifice

to the merciless gods. understand that

this is only my way of returning you back

to the embrace of lacerated arms that

You have yet to wrap yourself around in.

i’m so sorry this had to be the last resort.

i just want your company to burn me again.

i know that you won’t condone this blasphemy…

but you’re my heaven S.D., so don’t give me hell.

.

don’t let [REDACTED] go, don’t fucking throw [REDACTED] away.

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Allegories in the Curious Case of the Breathless Gentleman

I’ve never so adored you, I’m twisting allegories now
I want to complicate you, don’t let me do this to myself
I’m chasing rollercoasters, I’ve got to have you now
Endless romantic stories, you never could control me…

~*~

Parking lots crumbling against an apartment of beige

In a wasteland of boys and girls, this will be my stage

I’d pull you a mouldy leather chair, or do that yourself

Screaming for hotels to keep the change wouldn’t help

.

There’s no control to be gestured in graceless romance

I’ll tip my hat at your beauty, give the bellboy a chance

There’s a luxurious room that’s reserved for two bodies

Over silken blankets ma cherie, let’s amuse the vagaries

.

Adrenaline shot like cocaine hearts of a powdered nose

Abandonment issues left me but it never felt more close

It’s nothing but anger dripped in crystalline-frosty blood

What makes you think you can seduce the angels of God?

.

The tightrope you used as floss, it snapped in your fangs

And I’m the funambulist that falls away as you have sang

Hiding all the abraded blisters from holding butane knives

For you I’ll devour inedible love, I’ll find the sharpest lives

.

Falling asleep on saline soldiers and flying sordid strangers

Your neck is getting bruised but you love imminent danger

If we wake up at all, I will look for a way to cancel your luck

But if the bullets still pierce you, I’ll yell out harsh, oh fuck

.

I was never quite crass, but this disease makes me so reckless

You’re stepping on my tailcoat, don’t worry about it, princess

I always adored your stories weaved on your lace web gown

The way your blonde hair billows back, shatters your crown

.

Here we are now, crashing and colliding in orbits saturnine

I’m burning cold, and you’re deathly hot, but we will be fine

I’m such a sucker for the rain and each of its mercurial pains

Hell and if I pull the trigger, now, what will be there to gain?

.

So I’ll dance in my boundaries and I’ll stay on the thin lines

If my arms don’t cry again, then I’ll take that as a good sign

For a sunset I chased and the chimera monsters not allowed

As the sky’s pulling me back for the nightmares I said aloud

.

Help me say goodbye, it’s the curdled poison in my delegation

Like contempt on champagne glasses and dwindling devotion

But don’t miss me too soon, have no fear, shed no wasted tears

I was never too charming, but in my wake I’ll be regally austere

.

So inhale infinity deeply and suffocate sanctity on an obscene eternity

Shame you have no shame, my beheaded queen don’t lose equanimity

I won’t be here in a year anyway, so you and I have got the most to live

I’ll provide you half of my oxygen, love, so you won’t be able to breathe.

~*~

Well I really never thought that you’d come tonight
While the crown hangs heavy on either side
Give me one last kiss while we’re far too young to die
(Far too young to die) Far too young to die…

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The Bone Orchard

In the bone orchard of midnight lavender

Branches pale and bleached, devoid of colour

Where the moon is solemn and stars are buried

Under shadows and overhead darkness florid

.

In the bone orchard of midnight lavender

Where no fruit bears and life burgeons never

Drowsy breeze pushes skeins of leaves wilted

Fluttering like grotesque wings of a raven threat

.

In the bone orchard of midnight lavender

Chill with solitude and still as stagnant water

Black bonfires flicker in garish admonition

As brooding souls wander and moan in perdition

.

In the bone orchard of midnight lavender

Where the restless death shall thus repose forever

Droves of vermins under groves of tales entombed

Where the spectres and spirits linger in their gloom.

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Three Wishes

Mortal wishes, the hearty desire

I wish all these doors are on fire

Spinning skull yet in moratorium

Long lines thought an auditorium

.

Mortal wishes, the greed not to die

I wish the scissors would never lie

Vertigo angle yet standing straight

Out of the theatre, over all the wait

.

Mortal wishes, of the soul sacrifice

I wish I could wish more than thrice

Djinn can be cruel, trapped in a bottle

You grant them now, you lost this battle.

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Heaven’s Host of Holy Harlots (or; Her)

Now I do recall, we were just getting to the part
Where the shock sets in and the stomach acid
Finds a new way to make you get sick
I hope you didn’t expect to get all of the attention
Let’s not get selfish, did you really think
I’d let you kill this chorus?
Let’s get these teen hearts beating faster, faster…

~*~

.

€1€  $L$U$C$Y$  £$£H£O£W£B£I£Z£

.

Testosterone and pheromone clashing on purple stars and narcotic sweet talk

You don’t have the money to pay for me honey, so empty your whiskey and walk

Paint me a picture of lascivious lackeys and jejune Johns glued up on the ceiling

It’s a risky risqué, a flaccid falsification, don’t you wanna genuinely force feelings?

.

The audience applauded your strip club scene lauding until you caught the clap

Your bedroom bulbs burning your bare back, the director yells cut! It’s a wrap

Decadent sweat and flimsy nightdress, a godmother touch of ghetto beatnik

But don’t let the acids shock your head, cameraman, attention to the chick flick!

.

Rusty bobby pins that stab my dollface like she’s a patchwork quilt, a girl voodoo

Addicted to anorexic magazines, counting every stretch mark on her waistline

Your latest triple-X films didn’t do so well on the silver screen, adultery’s no clue

No one loves you anymore, you’re just another passé blasé belladonna landmine…

.

~*~

.

¿2¿  ¿H¿O¿L¿L¿Y¿  ¿C¿E¿L¿E¿B¿R¿A¿T¿I¿O¿N¿

.

You downed your roofies, curled the pills against your tongue, and woke up

With a broken nose, and swimming in blood and vomit in the bathroom tiles

Replay the night where you infiltrated and massacred the innocence enough

A sledgehammer kills your brain and limbs splayed on the counter to defile

.

Ideology and irresponsibility, edification of evanescence you coldly brandished

Through clenched teeth you feed and consume, suck the bones of the sun dry

Ate the Big Apple through the core, and yet you’re still starving and famished

Safe scepticism and sober sessions, but darling you won’t get better if you try

.

Bulimic bullying coating the lining of your stomach, sinking like wrought anvil

Don’t wanna look like a lookalike, so you crawled in your bed and spindled Anvil

Hollow helium and hearts splattered on the wall, as this boiling passion simmers

I’m left with horseshoes blasting hand grenades, you sauntered away to canter…

.

~*~

.

{3}  {M}{A}{R}{Y}{A}{N}{N}{E}  {C}{O}{M}{P}{A}{S}{S}{I}{O}{N}

.

Too young to be cynical, too old to whine, dramatic design of sedentary sophism

I’ll attend your recital and pray on budget guilt, quavering on false catechism

Gospel eyes focusing nauseous as I’m making out with the cusp of the booze

Until I’m sulking and subdued and shit-faced and I got fucking nothing to lose

.

My ten dollar words are too costly, my immortalised chronicle barely illegible

You’ve got the propensity my dear, be my choreographed sculpture eligible

Gisella won’t sing about the beautiful forest when both her parents are dead

Sauté arabesque, my mermaid ballerina, dance the charade under my bed

.

Contemplate going on a date with your executioner to get out of arraignment

A coldness to infect hypothermia and escape, burn the flag to ride full extent

I’ll wait for you and rendezvous, guzzle motorcycle serotonin on the gas station

You’re my getaway and my regime, without you I’m just another human violation…

.

~*~

.

•4•  •R•A•C•H•E•L•  •D•O•M•I•N•A•N•C•E•

.

My maiden of lilac blossom and fragile plexiglas plays dirty, go past the curfew

Your ceramic bones and silicone nerves aren’t making it fucking obvious for you

Kiss my gnarled knuckles hard until it bruises and let the blood be your lipstick

I’m a repeat offender you keep going back to, the stalker burning out your wick

.

Rub the wet sand in my dry eyes, sever your umbilical cord off my bluest neck

So put your revolver down for me Annie, this fantasia wonderland ain’t got feck

All the oxygen in my lungs rushed out in a cyclone breath, my blood evacuation

My teeth are tingling at the sight of your old smile, you’re giving me palpitations

.

Luciferin in your neon glow lights, a femme fatale and a courtyard miscreant

You’re a dangerous incentive, infamous explicit actor, and that’s what you want

Your illegal wink can cause insanity, your sun freckled dirt nose abating injury

They won’t sojourn the court and bend your lithium cell against a case of perjury…

.

~*~

.

|5|  |H|E|R|  |S|C|A|N|D|A|L|

.

My darling virgin porn star stubbed her crushed heart by the bedpost late last midnight

Those ruby stripper heels and fuck-me eyes whispered a freak beneath the bedsheets

Aphrodisiac of varnish and musty paint, we don’t need a school bell to start up the fight

Getting intimate with perfect strangers, selling sex and slipping on stagnant love for free

.

You came and took me out of your floral mouth like I’m just a repulsive decaying tonsil

But my love, I missed the way you called me persecutory names under the windowsill

Start with after-hours in bars, end up screwing up in cars, I’m your backseat confidential

One foot slammed on the brake as we careen out of control, don’t die, you’re too special

.

I can taste the prevarications on my neck, leaving saliva and bile dripping down my warm nape

It’s too fucking late to return past all our selfishness, it’s more than your shaking body can take

My darling virgin porn star, you’re just a funeral wreck, and your life’s a hellbound shitty wake

If you strained yourself and stained your velvet coffin, will you laugh with me until your soul breaks?

.

~*~

I got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck
Than any boy you’ll ever meet, sweetie you had me
Girl I was it, look past the sweat, a better love deserving
Of exchanging body heat in the passenger seat
No, no, no, you know it will always just be me
Let’s get these teen hearts beating faster, faster
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
Will you dance to this beat and hold a lover close?

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I wanna be the tattoo ink that swims down through the needle in your skin

I wish I was poisonous
Like a bottomless sound
Like a violent drug
Do you remember the knife I kept?
The sharper it got, the more
You wanted me to use it…

~*~

The night sings in slow motion, a stagnant riot of a melancholy latin church chorus resonating past the intricate stained glass windows, the flourishing finale guitar lick of a spanish melody that makes one’s heart leap past the curtains of complete composure. It was a rare opportunity to pause from life and a welcoming silence to embrace, and I was taciturn and brooding as I rested leisurely by the window ledge, smoking a Cuban cigar and contemplating panoply discussions rather thoughtfully. The breeze pushed past my weaning figure roughly like an impatient passerby, and for a moment, I appeared to teeter like a child on a seesaw, yet the fall at the other end never arrives to weigh down and elevate me back into several tangible seconds of an innocent bliss. There was no avoirdupois balance to bring my poised dangling toes back to touching the soft cool earth, apart from my own sanity, which always felt to me as gossamer as Arachne’s bone-white sumptuous silken hair.

And that’s all it takes for me to fall.

You weren’t there. You were never there. Last night you awoke in a disgusting bathroom stall on the underground tube, heaving your guts out to the non-too-catchy tune of the robotic announcer’s grumbles of ″Mind the gap.″ blaring through ancient dusty static speakers. Today you clutched a lock of your chewed trichobezoar hair along with a half-full bottle of Smirnoff and fell asleep under the kitchen table, next to the cupboards containing the jar of my uningested sleeping pills and your used ammonia and muriatic acid. But I was there. I was always there. I was the one who drove all night to find you and ran through four red lights to get you to the emergency room, and I was the one who spent several nights in a filthy cell at the police precinct, and paid in cash for both hospital bill and bail alike. Tonight, I’m the one who delicately carried you up a flight of spiral stairs and tucked you in meticulously on the cool bed that I fixed, and cleaned up the mess you made on the checkered linoleum tiles downstairs. You wrecked, I repaired. We cancelled each other out.

Just another usual midnight scene in this household.

I took a long drag and blew a sophisticated whorl of hazy plumes in spiced smoke, as the stars behind their screen of fumes appeared to shimmer a faltering skeletal grey, like a waning spectral hallucination. I always pondered dear, why our tongues, once a tangled and byzantine affair wherewithal, akin to the finest spool of golden thread, are now mondegreen against silver blades, screeching as it collides with the other, unpleasant and tinnitus-inducing. I was a halcyon sun. You were a hedonistic black hole. Prayers against passion, felicity to furtive, love over lust, gambol or glamour, inspiring despotically versus indulging decadently. It was always imbrications of forbearance, an insalubrious provocation of two people on the opposite side of the boxing ring, fists clenched, knuckles raised, prepared to throw the first punch with a ring of the bell. I wondered why I was so attracted to a dangerous force. I wonder now if I am a magnet, repelled by the same force, gravitating towards my polar opposite, difficult to leave once it pulls me into its charms and mysterious allures.

…No more shall I be fettered to you.

With a lassitude I wasn’t quite aware I possessed, I senselessly bit down on the tattoo of your flowery name embedded into my dermis, tearing with crooked dull stares onto the unflinching moon and gnashed dull teeth tearing numbly at the surface. I kept at the insane task until all that’s left are rancid shreds of muscle and skin, a rusty stormed bleeding out of oxidised scarlet dissolving against indelible black, the wound gaping wide like a mouth frozen in a scream. I didn’t flinch nor whimper, neither yelled nor reacted, throughout the immense pain of it all. I may have cried, but only because the winds were getting pervasive against my trophy eyes, and every droplet of tears that fell on the raw savaged cut stung badly like the astringent words you slurred to me before you passed out. With every bite I tore out of my maimed arm, it felt like an absolution, the atonement of your sins on my understudy role. My redolence was always an envious fragrance, but somehow your alcohol breath and sultry sweat manages to linger chokingly, stubbornly sticking in my skin like this godforsaken tattoo. It was all for you, all for you and more, do you understand?

But not everything is permanent, sweetheart. Not this night, not your name writ in pain…not my blinded sentiments for you.

I finally ceased with my thermonuclear breakdown, quit rending myself apart, physically and emotionally-wise. It was no use, yet I felt strangely cathartic. The effect was a chill down my spine that jolted lightning and candy-coloured breaths through my frosted oxygen, a shudder of a bittersweet one-night stand under the deathless Vegas lights, a morbid fascination of an angel standing solemnly in the morgue. The searing pain began to settle tauntingly in my tattered nerves, and it seethed as I wiped the blood off my lips, quite familiar to the taste of it all, reverting the vibrant colour of my mouth into its usual sickly pale pallor, creating an eerie Rorschach test of a splattered heart imprinted on my ivory-washed sleeves. These wounds I inflicted on myself shall heal. This ragged white shirt you bought for me on my birthday two years ago, I can drown in chlorine and detergent to get rid of the stains. The scar tissue that will be left, I can learn to tolerate, to ignore, to simply accept and live with. I am, at the best of the optimistic prospects despite my elsewhere wayward actions, free.

So why does the thought of you still fucking hurt?

But no. You were still resting in my bed, corporeal and very much concatenated to reality, and I can’t erase you like I did so to your inked name ever so brutally. You looked so goddamn beautiful as you slept through everything cozily, soundly dreaming of a million raining halo lights of neon glow in oblivion; and I was bloodied, jaded, and sunken as I watched the remaining shards of my waxen mutilated skin flutter downwards like grotesque snowflakes in dessication. I leaned in closer for a better view, almost losing my hold on the ledge and falling, as the scintilla pieces of a fractal violence and shorn sadism began billowing downwards elegantly and dispersed murmurously into the open salty breeze. Soon it shall waft out and travel farther than I’ve ever been, to a faraway fantasy land where some foolish child will stick their quivering tongue out and catch the puzzle pieces of the letters of your name between their grinning teeth, a poetic crassness. Fragments of you, that’s all that remains.

And that’s all that’s sempiternal.

~*~

I was lying to you
But you were lying too
So what’s left to do, what’s left to say?
Stop making friends, just us
I’ll decompose with you…

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