Tag Archives: thoughts

Love Me Like You Used To

Love me like you used to

When feelings weren’t worth a damn

And romance was just a sham

Peering behind crowded restaurants

And late-night warm musings

When I dared your lips to hurt mine

.

Love me like you used to

As our silver lungs are intertwined

You were more than a concept

A voice I faded out in broad daylight

Someone whose laughs and

Inside jokes I didn’t know the path to

.

Love me like you used to

When I thought I couldn’t ever lose you

But you twist me up in currents

Leaving fingerprints all over frigid skin

Wishing, waiting, and waking up

Drenched in a pool of your self-secrecy

.

So love me like you used to

Shame on me for falling for a faceless stranger

Out of all the souls in the cosmos

You’re the faintest star my bright eyes picked

So I’ll love you like it means a damn

While you still loved me like you never did.

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

adi/s/pose

tightening flesh

willpower on a noose

chunks, spilling out

from folds of cloth

and utter self-shame

repulsiveness—

a circular shadow

fingers shoved down

screaming throats

holding on, and yet still

letting go—insides

curl in disgust

acid burning teeth

unable to fully digest

the ugliest truth

that’s all you will ever be

crushed bones and

muddled-up delusions

and bloated organs showing

all of your secrets;

no one will ever love

a colossal mess

not even yourself

especially not yourself—

swallowing cold hope

will only result in

a violent choke

but isn’t that what you

wanted all along?

skin turns blue, then red

aftertastes blending

in an open mouth…

what are you waiting for?

go on then—

eat your fucking heart out.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

miasmatic

i am an insatiable hurricane; quietly violent and reckless to the touch.

i want to throw up every last drop of blood and ink and poison from my shivering body, until the strange hollowness i constantly feel is fully justified. i want to grab at my chest, wrench my ribs gaping open, and carve out my constricting lungs into prettier passageways so that i could finally breathe right again. i want to drill a hole at the back of my broken head and let all the awful thoughts come flooding out, i’ll let it grow into a sizable puddle and use the vile colours to cover up an empty canvas with pretty shades of hysteria. i want to scream, and scream, and SCREAM until someone listens to me, until someone is disturbed enough to care—i just want to know that i’m not invisible. i want to freely love and be loved without the choking fear of losing myself completely, but no one should ever have to suffer that way.

and me. and me. selfish human being, desiring an impossible life. an impossible life of happiness. of normalcy. of simplicity. of even just being fine for longer than a second. i want to find a soft spot beneath the earth and bury myself alive for a few centuries, hiding forgotten and patiently waiting until everyone and everything i used to know has inevitably gone away with the passing of time, and maybe then…maybe then, there would be a chance for me. maybe then, i wouldn’t have to keep desperately wanting anything for once. because then, i’ll only have what i truly need.

is that too much to ask for?

Leave a comment

Filed under Prose

hey there

i want

to keep

that smile

and burn

the rest

of this

world

to ashes.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

Make It Count, Ilsa Lund

You cut me off, I lost my track
It’s not my fault, I’m a maniac
It’s not funny anymore, no it’s not
My heart is like a stallion
They love it more when it’s broken
Do you wanna feel beautiful?
Do you wanna?

~*~

You taste just like a brittle toothache

Wire me up and around and make me too fake

And I’ll swim inside your favourite shirt

While you’re still wearing it—now, does it hurt?

My esoteric youth’s breaking broken on your gaze

I’m surely unwise but I think I love that face

So let’s stay up early and get into trouble

Writing stupid songs to make weak hearts tremble

But this isn’t a sweet story, just another warning

On the back of a cigarette box, addicts and nicotine

Shove out all my oxygen and make me believe

That the dizziness is only a side effect of your kiss

I’m all fucked-up and high on your lows

But I’ll let you change your mind if you don’t let it go

You’re all fucked up and crashing down fast

But I’ll arrest it by the knifepoint just to make it last

Because you make me too endorphin reckless

And going for turbulence as my adrenaline amazes

The thrill of your tomorrow, slats set up for the kill

You hung me out to dry and held on to my life at will

But I’ll hold you against me like you’re my only crime

‘Cause I have forever to waste but I just don’t have the time

You taste like an existential crisis, you smell like baby stars

And I’d wear that fragrance everyday—do you mind going a bit too far?

~*~

I don’t know where you’re going
But do you got room for one more troubled soul?
I don’t know where I’m going, but
I don’t think I’m coming home
And I said, I’ll check in tomorrow if I don’t wake up dead
This is the road to ruin and we’re starting at the end…

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

ativan

a mouthful of chalk,

mixed with lead and ashes

as the room spins a record

only my dazed eyes could hear

.

a mouthful of chalk,

mixed with your toxic words

my migraine plays me a film

of my self-destructive apathy.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

tasteless skittles

how is your voice so incredibly exquisite?

i wish i could keep it—i wish i could keep it all for myself but i know that’s just a dumb dollar-store daydream now. i swear i’m not senselessly selfish but i couldn’t help all these hysterical feelings, fleeting and fumbled, collapsing and careening, swelling and spilling beyond my exhausted arms but i’m not tired of you yet; though every unsolved puzzle piece i propose to pick out is so pleasantly problematic.

you’re so weird, but i like that.

maybe it’s just blunt deception soon dropping dead to distance. maybe we’re both meant for nothing more than a peck on the cheek and passive-aggressive complacency. maybe i’m the popsicle puddle melting forever in your sweetest summer sadness—but i won’t be watered down. and i won’t hold you back. if you’d just wait a little bit longer, then maybe will turn into…

something else?

and i’ll be the one singing for you, this time. and you could keep it. you could keep it all for yourself. i won’t mind, i promise. it’s always been yours.

because—dearest applebee, you’re just so;

you’re just too incredibly exquisite.

Leave a comment

Filed under Prose

epochs

i’m overthinking

you’re my overthought

hope lost to the seasons

confused sympathy forgot

flavescent streetlights

doubt and paranoia

dimming like bad habits

can’t be more than nostalgia

left cold in the end with

a wicked iridescence

was it all just a mistake?

all falling out of better sense

.

i’m overthinking

you’re my overthought

i promised to escape

unlacing every tangled knot

and embers dying out to

shivering uncertainties

of a fugacious infatuation

your effervescent kiss

so let me be the patience

and the future violence—once

my mind falls with daybreak

resting with our unfazed dalliance.

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

Rogue

A subtle system, breaking melodies
Craving bullets from her gun
So I tripped, stayed, follow every word
Little spirals in their eyes…

~*~

scarlet bliss

worries fainting

seize my heart

cold in bad weather

.

scarlet bliss

worries falling

sedate my heart

cold in grey colours

.

scarlet bliss

worries finding

separate my heart

cold but not better

.

scarlet bliss

worries fading

sleep well, my heart

cold in your aether.

~*~

Catch a lover
Turn an enemy
Just to watch them
Burn alive…

Leave a comment

Filed under Poetry

RE: 05.10.19

It’s a strange battle; how I’m willing to fight for my own defeat.

My eyes are intently locked on the borderline of control and neurosis, glaringly sharp and unforgiving as the keyblade’s edge. It’s been a while. Four months, in fact. I never really thought I’d find myself trapped in this situation again. But that was fool’s gold, plain and deluded.

This is reality. It will always twist into crude inevitability and carefully-worn destructive cycles, and before I even realise it, I’m skinning both of my knees again and lapsing back into the same hellbent path I was struggling to run away from in the first place.

It feels safe. Dementedly inviting. Oddly comfortable, somehow. The old footprints are well-shaped and all I have to do is trace them with my wandering steps without a second thought—never mind that it’s almost knee-deep now. Never mind that I’m still sinking down, and fast.

Open the paper with steady hands. Stare. Stare. Stare. The exhilarating tremble quietly works its way from my terrified nerves right into my anticipating fingers. “Cut it out!” My anxious mind writhes and convulses furiously as it continues to plead for dear life. C u t i t o u t !

I’ll do that. Will I? We’re not quite on the same page here, I know, but skinny metaphors are translucent, my dazed vision’s turning opaque, and I can and will refuse to see through whatever white lie, whatever false reassurance, whatever blanketed bullshit I choose to believe.

Tick tick tick. The impatient seconds wasted on the clock. My chipped nails rapping nervously on the surface of a wooden table. This pen spitting hollow words against the journal I’m attempting to distract myself with momentarily—but what the hell am I still waiting for?

There’s no use prolonging this. Even if I wait, even if I say “fuck it” and let the teeth dig in quickly, the pain will be all the same. And in another day or so, I’ll be doing this again, but further. More resolutely. More…permanent, hopefully. So might as well practice passing over to perfection, lest I fail at this pointless task again. And go over again. And go overboard again.

It’s a strange battle; to win and yet to lose, to start the fight by ending everything, to give my all for giving up.

Leave a comment

Filed under Prose