Tag Archives: thoughts

The Swindler

you’re not

allowed to be

surreptitious

raise all the

stakes, but act

so suspicious
.

this game’s

quite easy, but

you always lose

your words are so

rich, but you’re

not even famous

.

you’re not

allowed to be

sanctimonious

the world turned

away, and now

you’re too callous

.

hang your head

low, the shame

comes in chorus

we see you for what

you are—nothing

but ridiculous.

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Filed under Poetry

Mirage

Alright. Alright.

Let’s keep it simple. Let’s dissolve the convoluted hyperboles with a dose of sedating fentanyl and simply look the problem straight in its eyes.

Blue.

Not just pastel or skylight or marine or brilliant or midnight or cobalt or baby blue, no. But the kind of blue that makes any other shade of blue look lifelessly grey. The kind of blue you left me with watery gazes and sinkholes, when you left your thoughts to fester unstoppably in mine. The very kind of blue I never thought I’d hate to love.

Until now.

Sometimes, it faintly tastes of the tranquil oceanic breeze, and I could rest easy by the lonely bayside as I let my wandering thoughts ponder cautiously. Tiptoes clumsily traipsing against curious hope and lukewarm sand, fallen horizons blushing a pallid sunset orange, caught smiling unaware whenever I chance upon the nuanced way you adored every delicate brushstroke on the canvas I painstakingly laid out for you; an artist cursed to draw the same portrait forever.

Sweet. Bitter. Nothing.

Sometimes, it’s destructive blizzards all at once; mental violence haphazardly spitting ammunition directly into my targeted chest, turning me into a tattered tapestry of miserable fury—barely fit to be called human. My mind wails and shrieks as it rakes its bladed nails down my spine, coming undone at the uncontrollable paranoia that the very same paintings which brought your attention to my existence would now cause you to draw loathing deep into my skin; an artist blessed to despise their own creations forever.

Tantrums. Bloody. Everything.

My convictions are constantly wavering, my tessellated identity shattering into stagnant fractals if I even so much shed a sliver of you off of my armour, and the overgrown thorns that once quietly infected my lungs sting a whole lot worse when I try to pull them out. So I lie between my gritted chemical teeth and pretend it’s for the best, but no amount of feigned reassurance will ever quell the tormented pangs writhing inside of me, wrenching badly-stitched arteries apart again and crushing my fragile bones to silver dust. Irreparable.

Useless. Helpless. Hopeless.

And still, that blue—god, that damned kind of blue—so vividly engraved behind my closed eyelids like a restless epitaph. Keeping me wide awake and screaming silently in the cramped jail cell I call my home as it softly lulls me off into perpetual sleep. Far away from the echoes of the observable universe, and everyone else, and nothing else. Your inimitable shade of blue.

The kind I hate I love.

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(p.s., i think it’s spelled with a c, not a z)

caffeine resurgence

i’ve chewed my lips

.

half to death, and yet

nervousness twists

.

gordian knots down

the line in my body

.

where the blood and

bad ideas connect

.

rushing all the way to

my head, making me

.

feel dizzy, half crazy

extricated motions

.

my consciousness

craves bitter humour

.

barking laughter, but

i’m far from happy

.

just another white lie

of another blurred face

.

you’re making it kind

of awkward to think

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find a way out

and i am ready to lose

so much more than myself

dissociation doesn’t last

thinking takes in bad health

nauseated from existing

mantras of “it doesn’t matter”

another jaded insomniac

tired from drifting underwater

so then tell me i’m wrong

say that life’s just far too pretty

to waste on feeling nothing

it won’t make me any less empty

too weak to keep breathing

but still too spineless to ever die

please grant me the courage

to believe i could end this, if i try.

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Obsessive

I will always love you
But I need pills to sleep
I have always failed you
So throw away my memories…

~*~

I love you, I know

I feel it in my bones

From the top of my head

You make me go red

.

I love you, I know

I swear it’s just crazy

I stutter and swell

At the sight of you, lovely

.

I love you, I know

There’s no one else for me

You’re a gemstone star

You’re so nice and so pretty

.

I love you, I know

Everyday that grows stronger

But my heart grows weak

Won’t you please make it better?

.

I love you, I know

Though it’s kinda distracting

I can’t live anymore

You’re just always attracting

.

I love you, I know

My brain can’t stop thinking

About all the chances

That will never be happening

.

I love you, I know

I swear I’ll do anything

There’s no way back

I find myself constricting

.

I love you, I know

Please, why can’t you see

Am I just a false illusion?

Just what is it about me?

.

I love you, I know

Or maybe I’m just dumb

At this point, I can’t tell

Maybe I’m just too numb

.

I love you, I know

I fear there’s no control

I love you, I think

I should go see a shrink.

~*~

So throw away my memories
Throw them all away.

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Pacific Transit

Spare a few seconds to bring my soul back to life

I’ll take the time to grasp onto your slippery thoughts

Go cry me a river, we’ll save it for next summer

For now, we’ll sleep in hazy hemispheres that skies forgot

.

Will this be more than a yawning afternoon soapbox love?

There’s no reason to believe if the whole world’s watching

I guess there’s something in your face, the way your smiles fall short

Beneath your callused fingertips, no such thing as a happy ending

.

Will a quiet embrace convince you to settle down and breathe?

Facsimiles of youth painted on dewdrops and plastic evergreen

If I really tried, can I find an oasis beneath the muddy puddles?

Should we pick up where we left off, or leave nothing but a dream?

.

Take a moment to set the scene; oh it’s fine, we’ll be here all night

From basement lights to firework flights, time’s shrinking with the tides

That touched our gentle skins and left bruises for strangers to count

For now, we’ll laugh like nothing matters, we have the weather on our side.

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heatseeker

heatseeker

form the flames

with your tongue

ashes to ashes

guns to guns

.

feel the wick

running down

fractured spines

gentle warmth

barely noticeable

.

all before the

final sound

of phosphate

crashing against

rougher edges

.

forms second

thoughts, the thrill

of reckless light

find your waxen lover

and i g n i t e

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Filed under Poetry

Conspire

I wonder what you’re up to

I wonder what you’ll wear

I wonder if today’s your day

I wonder if you’ll be there

.

I wonder what you’re up to

Though I know I shouldn’t care

‘Cause you’ll never ask about me

And I guess that’s just only fair.

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heaven has hazards, too.

I am my own parasite
I don’t need a host to live
We feed off of each other
We can share our endorphins
Doll steak, test meat…

~*~

evocation

the protests

rise like bile

and anarchy

from the back

of a shut throat

shut by rope

shut by force

shut the hell up

angels like you

don’t have wings

but holy tongues

no, it’s not the same

acidic prayers

could only burn

if you believe

and we don’t

believe me, i tried

but i can’t listen

to your whining

curdled preaching

spines unreeling

catching the bait

with faith and

worms, it doesn’t

matter; they all

taste the same

when all you eat

is your own words

spoiled aphorism

colourless lies

promising cheap

doses of paradise

fools betraying fools

the duality of man

bleeding out on

concrete praises

to coat the streets

with a fresh kind

of damnation

to slip on and fall

broken ankles

lead the line back

to recycled agony

playing pretend

that we’re all

something more

than god’s little nothing

blacked-out cursing

never quite trying

mesmerising, again

this enervation.

~*~

Look on the bright side is suicide
Lost eyesight, I’m on your side
Angel left wing, right wing, broken wing
Lack of iron and/or sleeping…

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Æther

I’ll swim through the milky way

Where no one shall dare to find me

Past countless stars and infinities

Into the unknown mirrors of reality

.

Check in on the me that’s doing better

Find the fold and unravel underwater

Peering into a new parallel possibility

Where I’m not drowned in my misery

.

I’ll change my look and taste the colours

Hold my frozen lungs right into the aether

Push my old self away and then kill another

Just to take the place of a familiar stranger

.

And maybe then, I could find new ways

To lose reckless gravity and float to space

They wouldn’t notice the exact same face

Won’t miss the past me that I just replaced

.

In that strange dimension, I’ll live on

With the other fake ones, a different version

I’m starting over in greener pastures

My mistakes abandoned in a forgotten world

.

Until another me swims the milky way

In hapless search of a newer reality

Perhaps I might also be the unlucky one

This time around, I’ll also be chosen.

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Filed under Poetry