Tag Archives: tl;dr

california soul

Stay young and at the top of our lungs
Our hands are free, our lives have just begun!
It’s getting dark, we should go back
But what’s the use if what you love is what you have?
And I could die right now for something beautiful
To take me somewhere else; oh, I try to calm down
As I drag myself along these severed hands…

~*~

stay young

and keep your hands on the gun

don’t move along

and stay for the night

for the dark night that bleeds

in drunken colours

away from everything else

in the picasso paintings we called home

before we calmed down

and stopped severing our songs

so break me down

break down the better parts

that make us scream in the backseat

of crashing red cars

and i won’t run this time

so run me over

i’ll tally up the torques

torture me with tiring promenades

and hand grenades

and alcoholic stories that leave my cheeks numb

and when i pass the fuck out

carry me to my door

like you never promised me before

and i’ll leave you to stare

at the closed windows

throwing brick walls to play fair

just don’t bother with praying

don’t bother me

if the burning sun persists to remind you

don’t listen to the rain

listen to the suffocating hallways

give me what you can take

and if you still think you’ll be sorry

darling, your voice is keeping me awake

so what if i forget regret?

by then i wrote all these apologies

a thousand fucking times now

until i could taste the wounds on my tongue

until my hands are dragged into the ocean

until i don’t know what it means to be alive

what does it mean to breathe?

you lacerated my lungs

and monopolised my oxygen

so i guess i asked the wrong person

and i would do it again

until you love every broken bone in my body

but do you even give a fuck

that it’s cold outside

and all my mutated veins are frozen over

into dismembered accidents

of a lifeless smile?

don’t keep haunting me, darling

texas may be forever but california isn’t

and we could only wish to swim

against inferno summers and dishwater hurricanes

parched throats like a pyromaniac

before we crash on the rocks

and end up losing our bedrooms in the sky

did you fall away?

heaven is yours to plot my demise

when we’re stumbling over west coast clubs

and deadlocked in socal lies

i make the best mistakes to choose

when you’re wearing my lipstick and i’m in your shoes

crying until the lemon groves grow

and turn our memories of encino holidays sour

desecrating sacrilegious in santa cruz

saint anna has nothing left to lose

and los angeles is chanting ooh, la la la

the walk of fame is tipsy

the stars don’t remember their fame

hollywood is getting far too busy

and we’re covered in blood in san francisco

standing by the earthquake’s fault line

trying desperately to find out

which of us pushed the other one

but i’ll remember all the disasters forever

like how we convulsed with laughter

dissecting, exploring our decaying anatomies

relapsing into recovery

dancing circles around the hospital

and never even asking what’s happening to us

as we’re dragged under hispanic dust

dizzying in spin the bottles and betting hack money

ferris wheels and carousels and vomit

confusion reassuring with promises full of shit

the happiest place on earth feels sorry

disneyland’s just a ride away

watching movies at anaheim driveways

falling asleep at the rolling credits

diving into high tide currents of long beach

until one of us drowns deep

and we hid away in sulphur kisses

poignant in mission bay high

crushing red cups in san diego backyards

digging crowns and graves in clairemont for the day we die

so hold your mouth, we’ll be fine

i’ll tell you you’ll be okay, but i would be lying

for romance, for a chance

to entrance the devils pumping blood

for a nonexistent god

for you, for me, for loveless mercy

for love and everything that’s bad in this world

you whisper “baby, i’d kill for you”

oh honey, don’t you see? i’d fucking kill you

i’d count the sugar on your lips

i’d count the stars that collide all over your skin

i’d count all the chemicals that saturate me

when you count the sand on the shore like sweeter sins

soaking me in

breaking me down

until i’m wasted on your voice

until the wine tastes cheap

and until we’re entangled

like grey cobwebs and red tapes

and starving friends preaching eloquence

like our elusive selfish escapes

so please shatter your mirrored soul for me

and i’ll paint them over in stained glass

for the hollow cathedral

we’ll murder our lusted vows in

we both knew this moment would never last

cause i loved your shameless destruction

and that was a fucking mistake

i should’ve loved everything else in your dying eyes, darling

because that was all it would ever take.

~*~

I’m gonna buy a cheap bouquet before it dies on the display
(Gonna break down) Break down the better side of me
(The better side of me) Well I know, I know if I die young
Then we can wake up screaming in your bed
And our lungs are begging us to calm down!

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Oh, She’s a Handsome Melody

Allow me to exaggerate a memory or two
Where summers lasted longer than, longer than we do
When nothing really mattered except for me to be with you
But in time we all forgot and we all grew…

~*~

Oh, she’s a handsome melody

Singing as butterflies

Shimmer down her lips and

Leave traces of soft kisses behind

The wind tastes like summer

When that girl makes up her mind

And oh, she just reminds me

Of the dancing willow tree

In the daffodil garden

That we used to count the stars in

Like the seconds of eternity

As the hazy veil of smoke obscures

The beliefs and milestones we observed

Under a faithless smile

Of neverminds and lost boys awhile

A lemonade serenade

A penny for your thoughts

Your citrus heart may be bitter

But I’m coming back for more

And if the autumn leaves don’t rain

Your firework eyes will remain

Chartreuse grass wilts with a touch

But I don’t think your bloom was too much

So laugh along with me

And with the stubborn weather

We’ll catch a painted reverie

With our open palms and fragile fingers

And find our way back home

And let the world sing our songs

.

Oh, she’s a handsome melody

Imagining new colours as she walks

Leaving lavenders behind her

Spilling sunshine when she talks

As the sunset buries itself in her hair

Clashing scarlet and the darkness

On the tangled ribbons that she wears

We have what-ifs and perhaps

And slow motions in a time lapse

The birds that nest themselves in the clouds

Are halo dreams we don’t say aloud

Oh, if paradise must not be you

I won’t bet my cosmic dust that it’s true

Toss a coin all the way to the moon

To see if evening falters soon

Northern lights explode in pastel stage

Baby blue against ancient beige

Of the sepia films we worn down watching

With butter eyes and late-night flings

The memories and pinkish stains

Of sugar canes and rusty weathervanes

Capturing skeletal affinities

In ochre negatives and perfect peach skins

But if your camera doesn’t wink back

I’ll fetch you a canvas and a paintbrush

Let the fairies light our way home

And let the world sing our songs

.

Oh, she’s a handsome melody

That whistling pirouette of a symphony

At the back of your thoughts

Cotton and silk voices singing reminiscently

Melting the headache with a cough

Simplifying the sea for me

The ocean waves flood my ducky umbrella

And we will sail on a little boat

In a rustic countryside river

As pleasant zephyr makes her shiver

On a sluggish Sunday afternoon

Let’s toast the scenery with our spoon

And hope not to tease the playful downpour

Of a melancholy foreign storm

Patient throes of our drizzling repose

I’ll be her divine capricorn

Let’s look for our cabin in the woods

Careful not to swallow cobwebs

When the rusty door creaks open and before

She tiptoes in her yellow Mary Janes

Around the silence of the wooden floorboards

And we’ll light the chandelier

With pink peppermint-scented candles

And warm the sooty old fireplace together

And if the scarecrows don’t disturb us

Tapping faint on the windowsill

We’ll count calendar days on our way home

And let the world sing our songs

.

Oh, she’s a handsome melody

My dear spinning music box ballerina

Found her missing puzzle piece

Under bronze cogs and silver machines

Hid away a lost golden promise

She’s like accidental poetry

The clandestine sonata under my bed

With her jewelry elegance and pretty mouths

And billowing scarves of vivacious red

As she dances to the march of broken clocks

She’s as memorial and as divine

As an overused book spine

The lilting laugh of the chimes

Her curlicues of static giving you vertigo

On an afternoon station of a radio

We’ll find an obscure carnival

And fly along like entangled kites

Drop our car keys on the berg of the pier

Toast wine and champagne all night

Visit each stall and play silly stuffed toy games

Dizzying in carousels and ferris wheels

Have a repast of friends and pageants

I’ll hail her as the crown princess of the hill

But the galaxies in her ice cream cone

Chilled her to the ivory bone

I’ll tuck a blanket around her shoulders

Perched delicately like mockingbird feathers wise

Dissolving traces of an efflorescent heliotrope of a smile

And smudged ink on her drowsy eyes

We’ll sleep the horizon night

And if the blue coast doesn’t close away

We’ll go back and have our swan song someday

Of our eternal farewells to the summer

That wouldn’t exist, we’ll stay that way forever

And if this love isn’t enough to put your fears at ease

The innocence will be yours to keep

And if we don’t find our way back home

We’ll let the world sing our songs.

~*~

Your melody sounds as sweet as the first time it was sung
With a little bit more character for show
And by the time your father’s heard of all the wrong you’ve done
Then I’m putting out the lantern, find your own way back home…

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I’ll Play to Win, You’ll Pay to Lose

I’ll be the winner, I can take this shallow game by force

The consequences can wait later, let things run their course

The curses I hid at the very back my tongue are threatening to spill

And I’ve got a camera to shoot and a scandal set up for the thrill

It’s contagious and dangerous, but don’t be such a coward

If you keep up the act and smile behind the pain, you’ll get a reward

I swear I need some room to breathe, so stay the hell away

I’m playing dirty, so sob and sue me, it’s a lawsuit for another day

The flavour of the day is anguish with a side of fake issues

In cigarettes smouldering on the ashtray and numbers written on tissues

Forget all common sense, it’s what I need, let’s make this happen

And if I told you another secret for the moment, would you start to listen?

Dearest enemy, I give you my trust and all the blame there is to gain

I’ll check you off my list, I’m done with you, don’t try to explain

Desperate hearts resort to desperate measures, so pick your card and bluff

I’ll be the jack in the deck and cheat with a smile and handcuffs

This should be enough, but you always wanted a little more

Don’t wipe away the dry clean slate when I’m trying to keep score

Hold me down and keep me around, I’ll entertain your sick satisfaction

And when I take my break and pause, I’ll slip you the poison

You’re young and deluded, and every breath is a knife in your chest

Trophy eyes that shine and rust, you think life will simply give you the rest

Hang on to my every words and give me away to the waiting crowd

Have you had your fill? Don’t make me a big thing and say those things aloud

Pose as you hold me closer, guarantee me utmost confidentiality

This one-night stand is controlling, I’m disclosing faith and losing my identity

I’m declaring war and flashing you my dorsal fins and sharp bite tooth

But I’m telling you that it’s the truth, it’s the truth, it’s the truth

You say it was an accident, and I believe you and your best friend

But just go back home and contemplate, this is the beginning of our end

I’m going down but I’m not out for the count, I’m here to please

I know things you don’t know, does that hurt to even question these?

I know you won’t be able to change face to face, so don’t fix what ain’t broken

You’re so wrong when you say I’m right with the words I’ve spoken

I’ll let you have a taste of me but take caution, I’m the thorn in your throat

Is it that hard to swallow? Drink your wine if you don’t wanna choke

Clean up the mess you made, line them up, line them up, and knock them down

These rules were made so you can ignore them and flash your golden crown

Hate loves company but three makes for a crowd, I bet we won’t make it

So don’t advise me about high places, I’ll just about fall for any one of your shit

You’re so selfish, so save your scarlet kisses for the ones in need

The boys are here to take their share, feed, and indulge in their cruel greed

Don’t remind me of the septic way you make amends for yourself

I’ll accept you and your misery, but damn, it’s just fucking bad for my health

Watch your mouth, don’t spit it out, I’ll tighten the gag between your lips

It’s a storm of jealousy, let’s just take the middleman out and skip

We’re running out of time, our lying bodies keep saying we’re just fine

But the crumpled letters on my bedside say I’m paying for another cold crime

I keep my enemies close, but you’re so special, I’ll keep you even closer

I’m on my own and I need you more than ever, but I’ll walk ahead and say never

If this is what it takes to fix another detonated wasteland falling apart

Then beat me, we don’t give and take, we steal and never know how to restart

You go too far, push out the walls, we’ll never heal if we keep reopening the cuts

I’m screaming my apologies to the sky, but your crying eyes stay shut

It’s much safer if there’s a line to be crossed, and it’s much safer if you stay gone

The pages are ripped out of the book again, and the story goes on and on

I didn’t want to find out like this, things could have been much better if I stay

But you knock me down and hang me out, and you’re forcing me to do things your way

I will be the winner, I’ll murder my pride and reputation just to have a bit of fun

And when I emerge triumphant and you’re crawling on the ground, we’ll see who’ll be the better man.

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Heaven’s Host of Holy Harlots (or; Her)

Now I do recall, we were just getting to the part
Where the shock sets in and the stomach acid
Finds a new way to make you get sick
I hope you didn’t expect to get all of the attention
Let’s not get selfish, did you really think
I’d let you kill this chorus?
Let’s get these teen hearts beating faster, faster…

~*~

.

€1€  $L$U$C$Y$  £$£H£O£W£B£I£Z£

.

Testosterone and pheromone clashing on purple stars and narcotic sweet talk

You don’t have the money to pay for me honey, so empty your whiskey and walk

Paint me a picture of lascivious lackeys and jejune Johns glued up on the ceiling

It’s a risky risqué, a flaccid falsification, don’t you wanna genuinely force feelings?

.

The audience applauded your strip club scene lauding until you caught the clap

Your bedroom bulbs burning your bare back, the director yells cut! It’s a wrap

Decadent sweat and flimsy nightdress, a godmother touch of ghetto beatnik

But don’t let the acids shock your head, cameraman, attention to the chick flick!

.

Rusty bobby pins that stab my dollface like she’s a patchwork quilt, a girl voodoo

Addicted to anorexic magazines, counting every stretch mark on her waistline

Your latest triple-X films didn’t do so well on the silver screen, adultery’s no clue

No one loves you anymore, you’re just another passé blasé belladonna landmine…

.

~*~

.

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.

You downed your roofies, curled the pills against your tongue, and woke up

With a broken nose, and swimming in blood and vomit in the bathroom tiles

Replay the night where you infiltrated and massacred the innocence enough

A sledgehammer kills your brain and limbs splayed on the counter to defile

.

Ideology and irresponsibility, edification of evanescence you coldly brandished

Through clenched teeth you feed and consume, suck the bones of the sun dry

Ate the Big Apple through the core, and yet you’re still starving and famished

Safe scepticism and sober sessions, but darling you won’t get better if you try

.

Bulimic bullying coating the lining of your stomach, sinking like wrought anvil

Don’t wanna look like a lookalike, so you crawled in your bed and spindled Advil

Hollow helium and hearts splattered on the wall, as this boiling passion simmers

I’m left with horseshoes blasting hand grenades, you sauntered away to canter…

.

~*~

.

{3}  {M}{A}{R}{Y}{A}{N}{N}{E}  {C}{O}{M}{P}{A}{S}{S}{I}{O}{N}

.

Too young to be cynical, too old to whine, dramatic design of sedentary sophism

I’ll attend your recital and pray on budget guilt, quavering on false catechism

Gospel eyes focusing nauseous as I’m making out with the cusp of the booze

Until I’m sulking and subdued and shit-faced and I got fucking nothing to lose

.

My ten dollar words are too costly, my immortalised chronicle barely illegible

You’ve got the propensity my dear, be my choreographed sculpture eligible

Gisella won’t sing about the beautiful forest when both her parents are dead

Sauté arabesque, my mermaid ballerina, dance the charade under my bed

.

Contemplate going on a date with your executioner to get out of arraignment

A coldness to infect hypothermia and escape, burn the flag to ride full extent

I’ll wait for you and rendezvous, guzzle motorcycle serotonin on the gas station

You’re my getaway and my regime, without you I’m just another human violation…

.

~*~

.

•4•  •R•A•C•H•E•L•  •D•O•M•I•N•A•N•C•E•

.

My maiden of lilac blossom and fragile plexiglas plays dirty, go past the curfew

Your ceramic bones and silicone nerves aren’t making it fucking obvious for you

Kiss my gnarled knuckles hard until it bruises and let the blood be your lipstick

I’m a repeat offender you keep going back to, the stalker burning out your wick

.

Rub the wet sand in my dry eyes, sever your umbilical cord off my bluest neck

So put your revolver down for me Annie, this fantasia wonderland ain’t got feck

All the oxygen in my lungs rushed out in a cyclone breath, my blood evacuation

My teeth are tingling at the sight of your old smile, you’re giving me palpitations

.

Luciferin in your neon glow lights, a femme fatale and a courtyard miscreant

You’re a dangerous incentive, infamous explicit actor, and that’s what you want

Your illegal wink can cause insanity, your sun freckled dirt nose abating injury

They won’t sojourn the court and bend your lithium cell against a case of perjury…

.

~*~

.

|5|  |H|E|R|  |S|C|A|N|D|A|L|

.

My darling virgin porn star stubbed her crushed heart by the bedpost late last midnight

Those ruby stripper heels and fuck-me eyes whispered a freak beneath the bedsheets

Aphrodisiac of varnish and musty paint, we don’t need a school bell to start up the fight

Getting intimate with perfect strangers, selling sex and slipping on stagnant love for free

.

You came and took me out of your floral mouth like I’m just a repulsive decaying tonsil

But my love, I missed the way you called me persecutory names under the windowsill

Start with after-hours in bars, end up screwing up in cars, I’m your backseat confidential

One foot slammed on the brake as we careen out of control, don’t die, you’re too special

.

I can taste the prevarications on my neck, leaving saliva and bile dripping down my warm nape

It’s too fucking late to return past all our selfishness, it’s more than your shaking body can take

My darling virgin porn star, you’re just a funeral wreck, and your life’s a hellbound shitty wake

If you strained yourself and stained your velvet coffin, will you laugh with me until your soul breaks?

.

~*~

I got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck
Than any boy you’ll ever meet, sweetie you had me
Girl I was it, look past the sweat, a better love deserving
Of exchanging body heat in the passenger seat
No, no, no, you know it will always just be me
Let’s get these teen hearts beating faster, faster
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
Will you dance to this beat and hold a lover close?

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cardboard nightmares from san diego

Failing lights amass
One hundred sleepless nights
And I might be holding on too tight
But there’s a beast in my heart
And he won’t let you leave alive…

~*~

i can’t sleep

your narcotic songs

serenading

the darkness

like strong coffee,

like an addicting pill,

like my eternal fix

that keeps

me craving as

it doesn’t

leave me hanging,

are keeping me

up again.

with a blanket

for a noose

and blacktop

curtains lacing

my hazy nightmares,

the bracelets

you tore off your

lungs constricting

tearing at the

glitch in my

stupid beating heart

as sanguine souls

fended them

all away.

the delusional

circus polluting my

mind like

strangers at a

party, and

i feel like i’m

eating cardboard

and liquid nitrogen

through the

hole in my chest,

and it makes

me sophisticated

even though

the tines on my

fork are being

held by the monster

in my head.

i feel like

i’m cheating

as i begin to

see stars

on the ceiling,

in zero gravity

spinning madly

to make the

cracks and paint

peel disappear;

but heaven didn’t

anticipate to

sacrifice halogen

lights just so

i can waste it

on you.

hallucinatory visions;

the stavanger sky

that glowed

with pitch black

and stole my

knives for me,

the colourless eyes

that left their

suicide note on

the underside of

the mattress,

the tattoos that

painted themselves

against but they

pierced the

wrong skin,

the hounding

of the astral voices

screaming my

lullabies for me

like choirs

of a wasteland,

my thoughts

constructed like

a kindergarten artwork

with messy hands

and a vestige

posed irrationality,

everything…

it’s fucking me up.

nightmares;

of you and your

caramel gaze,

honeyed flesh,

and barbed wires

of your tangled hair

and that unique

playful anarchy

of a foreign ethnicity

laughing wild

all this hopelessness

infesting…

you’re fucking me up.

leave my

unconsciousness,

won’t you?

i can’t sleep.

~*~

This is the price you’ll pay
Thoughts in your head
That will never die…

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Strawberry Girls and Cherry-Picked Lies

I met a girl who never looked so alone
Like sugar water in your mouth lukewarm
She tied a cherry stem for me with her tongue
We fell in love and now we’re both alone
‘Cause I don’t need any more friends
And another kiss like fire on a pavement
We’ll burn it down to the end…

~*~

Strawberry girls are performing with shortcake hearts

And I just love the way that they break and tear me apart

I’m drinking poisoned margaritas for my last phone call

Drowned under the covers and on the linen blankets I fall

.

You think it’s high time for me to say goodbye and a lost eulogy

But not yet darling, ’cause I specialise in the art of disasterology

Garlands and wreaths and we sink laughing in softest lavender

Just like the bruises we kissed away and the lines we severed

.

I was always coughing madly under the influence of grey fumes

Drinking out of cholera water, wounding myself on rusted looms

But who will be the grenade that will pull that rusted stubborn pin

I’m tainted, sordid, insalubrious, love, won’t you make me clean?

.

As cold rain is beating down against the rolled-up car windows

We make believe with dulling thorns and hazy roses for hours

Thick blood starts to flow, like passing red buses on morrows

My sweetest strawberry girl, who ever knew that you were so sour?

.

Your shivering cups of coffee scald hotly more than kerosene

You’re so out of style, but you just love being so fucking mean

The boys in the club are youth raged and have new ideas stupid

And the tepid beer, like the summer air, is tasteless and arid

.

Your blossoming skin has always been flushed pink with spite

The chemicals in your brain keep your soul dissolving enough

Sitting high on an ivory pedestal, like flowers woven on a kite

You’re a bubblegum cheerleader, but chewed up and popped

.

Colliding like a suspended heart alongside patient bowling pins

Why did you adore all the mermaids if you can’t even swim?

I’ll pray to the devils and hope that they wouldn’t go and follow

For everyone took a bite out of your leftovers until you were hollow

.

The sunset is missing, hiding under hills and decaying cemeteries

Let’s bury the past under groves of pearl and burn it with gasoline

If only you’ll stop serving yourself impaled on a silver plate, please

Leave that to the cherry girls, blushing burlesque and incarnadine

.

The bullets from your back are yours to keep in bitterest memory

That golden necklace is choking you, won’t you take it off for me

Drunk on saccharine, bloated on pesticide, intoxicated in perfume

I’ll take your hand and hold it tight, strawberry girl, we’ll be home soon

.

Let’s dance a waltz and let the grass brush our ankles in diamond fields

Underwater ballerina, an angel on cloud filaments as you hum and sing

Where’s the misery, all the agony, those vultures we didn’t even need?

You’re a strawberry queen in a castle, and I’ll be your own vineyard king

.

A million heartbeats thumping quickly under the abysmal ocean floor

Making whirlpool tantrums and tidal waves crash against the shore

Lying on picnic blankets, don’t you love the way the moon looks tonight?

Scintillating mischievously as it whispers its secrets to gold starlight

.

Strawberry girl, it’s a withering world, so why don’t you come and disappear with me?

We could be resting, alone in our peaceful hell while that chaotic paradise goes crazy

Let’s fake our own deaths here and let the wolves chase, let the weeping foxes fight

Let’s die under the stars, my strawberry girl, don’t you think they look so beautiful tonight?

~*~

‘Cause this is a wasteland, my only retreat
With heaven above you, there’s hell over me
You said what about us? Well, what about me?
Hang from the gallows, asleep in the rain
‘Cause this is a wasteland, my only retreat…

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Vanishing Point; All That’s Left Are Traces Of You

And without you is how I disappear
And live my life alone forever now
Can you hear me cry out to you
Words I thought I’d choke on
Figure out I’m really not so with
You anymore, I’m just a ghost
So I can’t hurt you anymore…

~This Is How I Disappear; My Chemical Romance

~*~

If you found me gone one day, with nothing but a whirlwind of scattered letters and notebooks and papers, with one parched fountain pen dying of dehydration in the middle, lying forgotten in my dislimned room like an ironic tableau, to indicate the figure, the mass, the emptied space which my once-corporeal missing body once occupied, what would you do?

Would you silently shut the door, lock the house, and leave, leave that damned place that swallowed me whole, and start afresh, burying all memories and preludes of mine, allowing it to be covered in dust and cobwebs along with the crumbling papers, in that lonely dark room in a restless abandoned house, doomed to become another cheap haunted tourist attraction—?

Or would you take a deep breath, gathering all your aplomb and composure in a single oxygen intake, preparing yourself for the worst yet still hoping for the best, grip the knob with sweaty quivering palms, open the door with a prominent creak, and step in cautiously, allowing the darkness of the shadows and the lingering ghosts of what once was to chill your bones and embrace your every being—?

And if you were to choose the latter, if you were to gather all the papers, crumpled, clean, torn-up, every scrap and bit scribbled upon in a fit of either ennui or frustration, and put them together, as if they were the puzzle pieces that will finally solve the complexities and mysteries of my shambled life, and you read them, word for word, letter for letter, line for line and rhyme for rhyme, the mindlessly scratched punctuation and intentionally scratched out words blurring into a singular monstrous emotion that discreetly ravaged and poisoned your child’s system internally, now reforming and threatening to tear at your soul’s throat, as you read the unorganised pastiche of all my regrets, passions, agonies, jubilances, those things that I wanted to say, those things I never said, and those things that I will never get to say, what would you do?

Would you tie those anthologies of pain and paradise altogether in a messy little bundle, and without so much as an apology nor prayer, simply toss them gracelessly into the raging hungry fireplace, letting each scrap of paper curl up like dying butterfly wings and be devoured by the rising flames, starving for memories to destroy, turning my thoughts into bitter ashes, no longer to be sifted and repaired, rather only left to the whim of the wind, to get caught in people’s eyes, leaving my life to be an open case, speculated and falsified upon, leaving the words of the dead to remain dead and only an unspoken echo, a pale blot in the fabric of time—?

Or would you tie those florilegiums of hurt and happiness altogether in a neat little bundle, and with utterances of faith and assurance, share them eloquently with the others wanting in hope, letting each page be turned with eager fingers like flourishing petals of blue forget-me-nots and be devoured by the willing masses, voracious for memories to engrave, turning my ponderings into a spectrum of colours, no longer to be ignored and rotting away in a locked grey vault, rather to be left in the whim of the breeze, to get caught in people’s hearts, leaving my life to be stipulated and validated upon, making the words of the dead come back to life and to gain a voice of their own, a universe itself in the tapestry of time—?

And if you opted for the second decision, and you succeeded, what would you do if you returned to my room one day, and found me, sitting casually on my bed, with an overflowing ink jar dripping murky tears on my desk and a flurry of blank sheets of paper like a hurricane of unconceived literature on the spotless carpet, taciturn as I write out brand new compositions with a faint yet genuine smile on my solid scarlet lips, content with my slowly unfading existence, colliding shades of carnation and pastel tints efflorescing on my pallid cheeks and everywhere else that the bleeding colours chances to touch, revived by your efforts, revived by the memory of my name fresh in everyone’s sentience, unaged and youthful, looking as if I never left, this place, this world, and a void in your mind, in the very first place?

Would you tell yourself that all this, was simply nothing but a tired delusional dream of yours, disintegrating into the aether as soon as you make contact with it—?

Or would you dare step in again, completing a full möbius strip of the vanishing cycle, into my bright phantasmic room, and touch my skin to see if the bubble pops…?

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Monuments of Stone

“The waves of time wash us all clean.”

~*~

Time. Washing its crystalline waves against the quartz sand, lapping at my hesitant curled toes, receding back into the vast inky darkness of the hyperspace sea. Behold the limitless great ocean of time, and the many beasts and creatures that live within its chasmic abyss, hungry for youth, hungry for experiences, always starving and eager to search for a prey, for memories to wither and waste away.

Years, fluttering like a pure white candle in the blustering wind; fragility trembling, luminosity quivering, conflagration dwindling, wanting in faith of its own stability. Its radiating warmth and incandescent brightness giving you a guiding light in soft hues of lambent hope, before a final gust of tempestuous breeze cruelly snuffs it out, leaving only a burnt wick and melted waxen tears of a lost castaway, congealing within the blinding darkness.

Months, thawing like polar ice caps on a desolate mountain, melting sluggishly and painstakingly, falling like liquidated diamonds as they slide down the slippery slope of porphyry, too enticed by the mysterious allure of gravitational forces to stop; drop by drop, shard by shard, tear by tear, little by little, then faster still, until it gets more gargantuan, mass constellating and collapsing downwards into one hollow rumble of a melancholy howl, mourning and bereft.

Weeks, like seven cups of various tea, flavours diverse and varying depending on your mood. Clashing soft seasons in your mouth; minty, citrussy, milky, zesty, sour, bland, diluted, an overall bittersweet affair, oiling rusty old bones and rejuvenating that sanguine blush in one’s cheeks. Yet when the teapot is empty and all the china cups are drained to the very last umber drop, your stomach feels faintly ill, bitter the only aftertaste in your tongue, and you can neither drink nor take no more.

Days, hurtling back and forth expeditiously, whistling past your ears like a frisbee. Thrown with quick reflexes, launched in a directionless manner, tossed around carelessly with none so much an earnest thought but an insouciant laugh, thinking its all in jubilant fun, as it spins and spins, making you feel dizzy, giving your mind vertigo, as you watch and wait patiently for its ineluctable return, just so you can throw it away again.

Hours, jumping and bounding past like frenetic mercurial creatures, never in a singular place, always everywhere, dancing the stars away as though nothing else matters. One moment they might be flitting by your tiring bruised ankles in a taunting tarantella, in a callous attempt to make you trip, yet they might be spiralling into the open Stavanger horizon, in a woeful waltz of dissolving resignation, the next.

Minutes, in a clever coveted Janus-faced deceit, tricking and ticking, masticating and muttering, revolving and relocating, elongating and elevating, faltering and fading, they’re but ruled ramshackle beings trying to stretch those measly seconds into a nuanced artifice of further longevity, eddying such curious naïvetés as you or I to believe that we have all the time in the world.

And the seconds, by god, those measly scintilla of a moment, a speck of a fairy tale caught in a jiffy, those shortest pauses that feel like a lifetime’s worth of disconnected reminisces, as breaths hitch, pulses halt, hairs raise, and the planet ceases it continuous revolution, taut gravity loosening for the briefest moments, allowing souls to soar. A blink of an eye always costs a bereavement of grand eloquences.

Milliseconds. Seconds. Minutes. Hours. Days. Weeks. Years. Decades. Centuries. Aeons. Eternity. Everyone’s wasting time counting time, trying to stop the flow of the inevitable by catching it in an aquarium, and when the pressure is too much, the thin sheet of fragile glass succumbs to the pressing force, and begins to crack and shatter, water pouring out in raging torrents, desperate to escape. We douse ourselves in pneumonic coldness, trying to grasp what’s already slipping from our fingers, trying to save what’s already long gone. But in the end, we get another glass jar and try again and again, much like the innocent hopeful fools we perceive ourselves to be.

A hundred years is what it will take for my living monument to erode away and crumble into clouds of dust and ashes, precipitating pieces of my soul to the weeping planet, yet it will invariably take less than the smallest measure of time to do so, if I stand out into the open salty air and allow myself to be devoured whole by the mistress of the universe.

The waves of time recede in a tranquil stillness, then emerge once again, crashing in a quiet tantrum. The water rises. The tide grows higher. It is up to me whether to bravely swim against the current, or simply drown away in the undertow.

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