Tag Archives: trash

A Tired Incoherent 2 AM Rambling, of Some Sorts

Headphones playing some hell grinding djent, tucked sloppily on my pallid cheeks. Chocolate flavoured coffee, swimming with drowned ants and turning stale on the corner table. Me, splattered with filthy liquid and desperately pulling an all-nighter on an ugly portrait painting, as the initial panic attack-induced mania that once fueled my motivation slowly wanes and quietly saunters away to Apollo’s Neverland, probably carrying along with it the remnants of pencil shavings and biscuit crumbs on the utter devastation I call my desk.

I think might be going insane.

Well, this is what I get for procrastinating too much, I suppose. My personal crippling folly—apart from being tardy without fail no matter the urgency at hand, and being unable to function normally around human society in general—is to stall on accomplishing a crucial task for hours until it turns to days and weeks and heaven forbid months and so on and so forth, while putting all my wasted faith on the completely false hope that I’ll be able to pull through at the very last minute, with the right amounts of heart-stopping caffeine and unbalanced brain cells kicking up a hurricane named anxiety in my thick skull involved. Even though I know it would never really work, and I’ll just inevitably end up with a lot of lowkey physical and emotional trauma and a below-subpar output that’s so far out from my initial expectations that it’s not even fit to be used as a local public loo arsewipe.

Ladies and gents and everyone in between, there is no mystery left to solve in the unbaffling case of the stupid college dropout, is there?

I mean, I swear I actually do want to finish this (if not for myself, then for the damn person I’m breaking my strained neck for because they’re awesome and deserve this much at least, they really do) but hell, why do I even try at all? Fuck’s sake, I’m not an artist. I don’t know how to actually properly draw or do cool mindblowing artsy things for shit. I’m just too fucking unskilled for that jazz. Pretending, that’s what I’m talented at. Pretending to be pretentious. Fake it till you still fake it. And now look where it’s gotten me.

👏 Absolutely! 👏 Nowhere! 👏

God, I honestly wish I could trade places with my cat right now. Or any cat, really. Lazy bastards, doing nothing but eating your chonky hearts out and scratching at things and oversleeping all the time and being a dumb bitch and looking cute and snobbing everyone out and living a luxurious life for it. Career goals right there, let me tell you. Why can’t I just be one of y’all.

But I digress. It’s time for a time check, no phun intended (okay, that second pun was. if you catch my emo drift, ahah). 2:57 AM. It’s been roughly more than three hours since I first embarked on this personal little project, and while I’ve barely made a dent on the soggy watercolour paper resiliently taped down in front of me, I have spent maybe a quarter or so of the aforementioned hours typing this…whatever this is, down on my phone like a sad, lonely sack of slowly-rotting flesh. More than ever, the familiar, almost comforting sensation of self-resentment weighs in heavily again; on my sandpaper tongue, down my badly-crooked and aching spine, on the perpetually unfading dark circles under my exhausted eyes that make me look like a wasted panda and an actual roadkill raccoon fucked around with each other and threw hands (or paws?? idk) in a nearby dumpster and I’m the end result of their bad night. Fun times.

Wait, hold on a second. Idly slacking off, hating myself severely, and quickly losing grasp of my humanity and better sense…all three of them simultaneously? Awesome. Right on schedule. It’s time to get back to work.

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Filed under Prose

So Pretty Handsome

You’re so pleasantly pretty

It’s giving me a headache

My brain just can’t process

Too much of your damn face

.

It’s the masterpiece I imitate

Hanging from the Louvre halls

It’s the violet garden I visit inside

My imagination’s eternal walls

.

It’s a sweetest kind of mistake

Your most imperfect erudition

A puzzle piece of all the things

Complex in its own sensation

.

It’s all the overblown metaphors

No one could ever comprehend

You’re just so pretty, can’t you see

That even you can’t understand?

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Filed under Poetry

#StayWoke


Alright, my cat Artemis is taking a nap in the other room and the walls of this house are paper-thin so I probably shouldn’t be kicking up some insane noise like this in the bedroom—but then againnn, Artemis is finally fuckin asleep and this is probably one of the rare chances I’ll get to record anything today, so screw it. Sorry for disturbing you a lot, furball.

Anyway, yeah. Here’s a kinda lazy cover of Redbone by Childish Gambino. I’ve been really obsessed with the song ever since I stumbled upon a damn good acoustic version of it somewhere online, and I decided to go ahead and put my own little spin on it while the hype in my brain is still wildly burning even though I haven’t even fully memorised it yet ffs. So if you could just kindly ignore all of the tiny mistakes and earth-shaking voice cracks, since this was like my third take and the entirety of my untrained, untalented, compromised vocal folds were giving up on me. It’s just not built for this kind of fuckery, lemme tell you. Also I spent literally an entire afternoon hunkered down in front of my broken laptop, messing around on Audacity and trying to salvage the shitty audio for what it’s worth, so does that earn me brownie points? Ah, whatever.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a tired cheeto baby to pet back from her rousing slumber, ja.


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Filed under Other stuff

Are You Nasty?

…because this is what a deadbeat emo burnout’s Friday mornings are wasted on, apparently.

Is the audio quality crackly and absolutely shitty??? Do I invariably fuck up a lot??? Does my awful voice sound like I just came out of a raging three-day flu that nearly sent me back to my deathbed again??? (that part is true, at least.) Is there a constant background noise of crowing roosters and crashing plates and crying children outside??? Do I look like I’m still even sentient enough to give a damn??? Well, yes, yes, yes, yes, and no. This is a one-take thing I pretty much sped through just to pretend that I’m still a human thing that isn’t uselessly floating through in an endless void, so. Lesson of the story: never leave me all alone in the house before breakfast ever again, please. For my own sake and yours. And also the neighbour’s. Especially the neighbours.

Alright cool, I’m probably gonna get some unwanted but inevitable clout for this. Gotta go hate myself now, ja.

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Filed under Other stuff

animus

i implore

myself

to turn the

other cheek

and ignore

.

but there’s

just too

much of you

to take in

and adore.

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Filed under Poetry

Obsessive

I will always love you
But I need pills to sleep
I have always failed you
So throw away my memories…

~*~

I love you, I know

I feel it in my bones

From the top of my head

You make me go red

.

I love you, I know

I swear it’s just crazy

I stutter and swell

At the sight of you, lovely

.

I love you, I know

There’s no one else for me

You’re a gemstone star

You’re so nice and so pretty

.

I love you, I know

Everyday that grows stronger

But my heart grows weak

Won’t you please make it better?

.

I love you, I know

Though it’s kinda distracting

I can’t live anymore

You’re just always attracting

.

I love you, I know

My brain can’t stop thinking

About all the chances

That will never be happening

.

I love you, I know

I swear I’ll do anything

There’s no way back

I find myself constricting

.

I love you, I know

Please, why can’t you see

Am I just a false illusion?

Just what is it about me?

.

I love you, I know

Or maybe I’m just dumb

At this point, I can’t tell

Maybe I’m just too numb

.

I love you, I know

I fear there’s no control

I love you, I think

I should go see a shrink.

~*~

So throw away my memories
Throw them all away.

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Filed under Poetry

Call me an ionian g-clef ’cause yo, I’m in major treble (oh wow sorry i’ll show myself out now)

slightly unrelated, but hey here’s a dumb music band art thing i did a while back—mostly just throwing this in so that this entire cursed post wouldn’t be a total eyesore 👀

Alright, it’s three in the morning and I’m mostly delirious, you all know what that means…it’s time for another stupid rant thing that literally no one cares about!!! I have absolutely no idea as to what demographic this entire post will make sense to, but I have been staring at nothing but notes and more notes and surprise! even more fuckin notes!!! for actual hours now and I just needed a break to set my head back on straight. So here’s a bit of a weird lengthy personal music-related talk about, well, music and all that jazz. No pun intended. For this instance, anyway. Okay, no more bad music puns, I promise.

So far, my current progress has been going immensely slow but okay overall, I suppose. Apart from your usual classic starter pack of making-basic-covers-of-simple-four-chord-songs-from-UG, I’ve also been trying to experiment with creating chord progressions and composing tiny snippets of punk and djent-esque riffs which might sound nice overlayed with some power chords (my scale/mode game isn’t quite sweep-picking dmitry demyanenko-level god-mode yet but I can make do for now) and just a little bit of a filthier guitar tone and a hell-lot of distortion. But yeah, it’s kinda difficult to envision how this shit will actually sound when I’m playing on an acoustic instrument (stg once i get one of those gorgeous seven-string music man monarchy majesty bois and an axe-fx it’s over for all you fuckers jk). Improvising solos are fun as well but I think I’m abusing the dissonance slash bending power just a little bit too much??? Idk it just sounds cool to me. Probably sounds worse live though hahaha jk

On the other hand, I’ve been a bit stuck on studying intervals and tritones for goddamn hours at an end now and it’s so confusing snsjsj it’s highkey driving me insane. Notations and rhythms and metres and key signatures and scales were fun and games and bloody candyland, but god call me Patrick ’cause I am stumped here. There’s just so much to take in, augmented and diminished and perfect and double accidentals and both and none and inversions and everything is just a complete ancient hieroglyphic mess to my eyes right now (and no, not the cool phrygian dominant kind either, if you catch my drift). It’s still a highly mindblowing concept though, and the more I read about it, the easier it gets for me so,, win-win!!! I should also probably do a lot more ear-training and sight-reading because I still can’t identify notes proficiently enough to even save my life. Just trying to distinguish between each major and minor scale alone is making my head hurt so much, I’m probably gonna have severe haunting auditory hallucinations for weeks after this. I’ve honestly never been more jealous towards human beings with perfect pitch as I have this very moment ahahah ;-;

And sort of digressing here, but tabbing and polyrhythms and fingerpicking and tapping and harmonics, oh my! Gotta learn that stuff as well. Need to make me some of those smooth groovy crunchy funky math rock riffs, my guy. I obviously won’t be pulling off an Ichika Nito or anything even remotely close to that kind of heavenly genius anytime soon but hey, might as well have some fun and run with it. One thing at a time though. I should really set a legitimate practice routine that doesn’t involve 95% of said session with me liberally pouring sugary caffeine down my throat as I idly waste my precious time mucking about online in the dead of the night (but knowing me, i’ll probably just go “fuck it”, as i do, and wing everything to hell until something in my system inevitably breaks). Lastly, I’m trying to find a good song that should be relatively easy enough for me to learn and transcribe by ear, but I’ve been admittedly procrastinating on that task because ngl, it’s pretty intimidating as all fuck. Seriously, I’m virtually having nightmares even just thinking about it. But I know I’m gonna have to face it at some point or another, so might as well be sooner than never. I reckon I’ll just use a song that I won’t mind listening to over and over again and excruciatingly poring over until I start to hate it forever. : /

Anyway. At this point, I’m practically eating hefty mouthfuls of music theory for breakfast lunch dinner and the occasional midnight snack, and yet my mind is sometimes just a bit too thick to fully comprehend these things as quickly as I’m feeding them to it. And this is barely even scratching the surface, I have so much more to uncover and unpack and it’s scary enough to almost make me wanna poke out my eardrums with an ice pick out of sheer despair. But nah, let’s not do that yet, ’cause I might be getting there though. Soon enough, hopefully. At the very end of it, I think it’s just so crazy how much learning these things drastically changes the way I listen to music. It really helps me pay attention with my ears some more and it opens up a whole new avenue, nay, universe of subtler nuances and finer details and technical know-how that I never would’ve noticed in songs otherwise, had I not known all this information beforehand. I mean, some people may see it as overthinking and overanalysing everything which may ruin the whole listening experience for them quite considerably, but personally I don’t mind it. On the contrary, I see it as a fun little brain exercise which could be an essential tool for improvement, and it doesn’t necessarily have to take away the sentimental and emotional value and the overall enjoyment I attach to the music in itself. And of course, I ultimately get to actually create my own music which for me is just???? excitingly insane??!!?!? Like how do I even??!? I’m sorry I’m going off on a tangent here and dorking out too much about music when this is not really the place for it and I should be getting back to the grind, but I’ve just never been more passionate for anything else in my dull existence than this. It’s been tough so far, but I just need to focus a little more. Okay, a lot more. Tbh I spent way too long writing this post when I should’ve been learning about seventh chords and triad inversions, damn it!!

Alright that’s it for now (or y’know, probably ever),, I’ve had too much coffee and I want more and it’s already four and I still gotta spend more hours torturing my brain cells so brb watching more hilarious metal meme videos oops uhhh I mean five-hour online courses on YouTube bye

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Filed under Other stuff

stranglehold

go on then,

crucify me

pick the scabs

out of your lips

and crash—

teeth on teeth

flesh on paper

steel against vein

and purify me

candelabras in

your eyes don’t

make you any

more sophisticated

extinguished soul

.

caught between

the corners of

an odd judgmental

glance, periphery

lost to medicine

and last-minute

pity fucks, when

you promised

the rounds were

fast and blank

enigmatic body

corrupted fire—

have you ever seen

such darkness?

.

entering and

dismembering

five seconds of

euphoria to last

a lifetime and

then some; the

way you settle

into the victim’s

pain and fight it

off with sulphur

petrifying, falling

over…go ahead,

sinner. cast the

first fatal stone.

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Filed under Poetry

?????

((It’s 3:51 AM and everything hurts and my entire brain is on fire and screaming at me profusely but I can’t for the life of me drop off to sleep, so here’s a stupid thing that I made which I’ll probably highly regret and delete in fit of utter shame later on when some semblance of rationality returns to my last two brain cells okay g’bye))

I can’t work around my mind this time
The silence chokes like stitches
Suffocating and unmending
Did I hurt you
The way you dug your nails into my chest
Every night, I thought it was for the best

You were always for the best
And you never knew
No, you’ll never know
And I was too slow
Didn’t think it would go

I’m losing grasp, you left to fade
I fucked it up, the mess I made
Please don’t be mad, I beg the stars
But you can’t hear me, you’re too far

Gone to save
Please save me

I guess I’ll overthink again
I guess I’ll overthink again
I guess I’ll overthink again
I guess I’ll just…

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wake-up call

it’s 6 a.m.

i’m nursing

a three-day

migraine as

i clutch onto

my half-empty

coffee mug

afraid that i may

completely slip

out of sanity,

lest i keep hold;

on the messy

unfinished sketch

of the face i’ll

never get to

hold close to

mine, except for

these subtler

moments of

mourning—

when my

creased-up

forehead

lightly touches

against the

paper, beneath

the shaky table;

catatonically tired

from carrying

along the weight

of the world

that wasn’t mine

to ever exist in.

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Filed under Poetry