Tag Archives: trash

Neurotoxicity

this tiredness

melts into everything

and burns into your

mercurial core

until it turns into lead

and circulates into

your system;

weighing you down

paralysing you,

poisoning your veins

until you’re stupid,

sluggish,

stuporic,

lethargic and cold,

and every hue of

your senses

dulled down into

pencil graphite grey,

and it’s all you

can do to push before

the point breaks;

you run out of

words to say, you

run out of excuses to

give, you run out of

your willingness

to continue the story…

so you stop caring

and become

this lazy,

complacent,

apathetic,

hedonistic man

with a disregard for

his own sake

as well as others.

yes, you are working

hard, but only

to avoid interaction,

going outside,

listening to others,

possible conflicts,

social contact;

to avoid everything

that you once

enjoyed and loved,

and to keep

your intents behind

deprecating assurances

and passive acts.

you don’t know what went wrong.

you have everything

and everyone waiting for

you out there,

waiting for you to

hold on, keep up, go on

but the lead is

detaching your tongue,

replacing your blood,

constricting your diaphragm,

shriveling your organs

from decaying and necrosis,

clouding your neurons,

it’s already killing you inside

but no one ever notices

it’s a perfect slow suicide;

the masochistic cure.

and you’re too tired

to even give a shit anymore,

and you’re just tired

to do any of those things;

to stand up,

walk it off,

set to the future,

and change your ways—

it’s cliché, but hell,

you know that you’re

already fucked

and you’re just too tired

to fucking care.

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wingless

the fall

was just another

excuse for me

to attempt to fly

and if that

doesn’t work, then

i won’t lose

anything when i die.

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it’s singing to me

for the songs

that you sing

that get stuck

badly within

to your voice

that’s higher

painting each

pastel colour

i’m scared of

such changes

of cliché and

lower ranges

but this soul

can’t ever lie

and a feeling

refuses to die

for the songs

that you sing

i find myself

soft humming

to your voice

striking deep

is the heart i

cannot keep.

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Filed under Poetry

Lemonade, Licorice

Lemonade, licorice

Make me a promise

Of stars and sunlight

And neverland night

.

Lemonade, licorice

Make me a promise

Of candy and kisses

And maiden misses

.

Lemonade, licorice

Make me a promise

In daisies and decay

And cloud-floss clay

.

Lemonade, licorice

Make me a promise

For twists and tears

And floral-blue fear

.

Lemonade, licorice

Make me a promise

In bittersweet taste

May we never fade.

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Ephemera

Like violets stranded in eternity

I lay dying in here for centuries

Like snow and dandelion white

Melting on my paintings tonight

Like the incandescent butterflies

I’ll never crash, and I’ll never lie

Like taste of stars and lemonade

I’ll never be gone, I’ll simply fade

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Withdrawals

I’m suffering

From lost actions

And drowning in

Failed distractions

.

In cold drip sweat

And lethargy

With painful lust

Tongue quavery

.

It’s like a drug

Placebo pills

And life’s a drag

Too close to kill

.

Even worse than

Cigarettes on

Alcohol and

Medications

.

Unsettled nerves

Sinking feelings

Rising up bile

Tastes sickening

.

Incoherence

Mumbles of black

I can’t do it

Let me go back

.

I’m fucking great

Just losing sense

Trapped withdrawals

From your absence.

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She Sings Nightmares to the Ocean Waves

Someday I’ll drive, close both my eyes
We’ll swim in circles in the blue lights
And I just want to fade away into the sky under the sea
A million kisses underwater as we walk into the ocean…

~*~

Drive me to the edge

You know I’ll let myself fall

Without any ado or fail

I’m caught up in your gale

Choking on the crumbled stars

Reaching for your guitar

As you paint musical notes

Pastel on my bleached wishbones

To keep my stiff blue nerves

From aching for home

.

This rain won’t stop anytime

A deadly deluge of blood

My lacerated lungs aren’t fine

And my cut wrists are handcuffed

To the screaming moon

I’m sorry I can’t dream for you

The sunset’s far too soon

I have to pay for my wasted crimes

I can’t gnaw on diamond bars

But I swear, I swear I’ll try

.

You say you’re just an animal

With an abyss for eyes

But you look goddamn beautiful

Hiding under my bed tonight

I’m just a pretty monster

Hell, why would I let you go?

I need your beauty to breathe

If you wanted to sink, just say so

I won’t let the air bubbles

Escape my lavender tinged mouth

I’ll twist my knotted fingers

And drift in your undertow south

.

Those ocean flesh tone lips

Look liquid against the lightning

Cold heats aquatic reveries

As we find ourselves ironic smiling

About an eternity of nothing

But somehow under the waves

I’m dying of dehydration

Parched, thirsting only for your

Most frigid of serotonin

I know water will only burn me

Like concoctions of sulphur and sin

.

I’m drowning in my nightmares

Singing of your sweet victory

And splashing your starry sunflowers

From lost days of poignant isolation

In a neverland where I’m happy

So dear, when you shift under the

Blankets and begin to slow

Your breathing, please save it

All for the whispering feather pillow

And bury your quiet laugh

In the silver locks of my tangled hair

Shhhhhhhh…don’t wake me up.

~*~

Do you see me at all under the tall waves?
Do you see me at all?

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Wild One

It’s been a year, kid.

I don’t have to constantly check up on you anymore, and be paranoid whether you are still breathing as you slumber, unknowing, naive, innocence in its most delicate form. I can only count your heartbeats, slow and steadily warm, whispering reassurances to me, making me believe still in a transient hope on a world so lost and pitifully dark. All the nights I’ve had to give up, interrupted sleep I’ve had to bide my tired mind by, the erstwhile activities and further indulgences I’ve had to forego to help in taking care of you, the stress, the weeping, the spewed bodily fluids, the horrid diapers, the sacrifices ventured and risks undertaken, everything and nothing all at once…I suppose it was all worth it in the end.

You’re still here, after all, breathing, laughing, crying. Living. One year in. It’s crazy to think just how much has changed, how everything has been elicited by insignificance, how everything slows down yet speeds up at the same time, nerves racing clockwork ticks, how much has changed, how far you have grown. It only feels like a trembling fingertip away when you were a newborn infant delivered from the hospital, and, lying there, ensconced in white silken sheets and resting with umber eyes wide shut, I saw a part of the universe that was apt with the stars in the sky. I basked in the warmth of someone who doesn’t have to be arrogant and jaded like the rest of the heartless horizons, a soul, that was a diamond moon, uncarved, pristine, an enigma. An incandescent light that catches the sparkle in every worthwhile heart. I left the room dazed that day, with ink all over my hands, holding a crumpled piece of paper, unsure of my own senses, pensive and ocean-deep.

Admittedly, I’m not the best babysitter. Sometimes I’m clumsy and end up panicking amid bloodstains and scarlet bumps. Sometimes I get vexed and irritated by your inability to act and your constant incessant shrieking, for heaven knows what reason. Sometimes I snap at you for your tantrums and for the things I know are not under your control. Most of the time I don’t know what the hell I’m even doing when I hold you. I know I’m a child-hating misanthrope that doesn’t take any shit from any other snot-nosed bratty brat that dare crosses my path, and I should be a choking hazard, kept fifty miles away from any person under 5 years old. But you are the exception.

Your shrieking laughter trumps all the crying and wailing I’ve endured from you. Your adorable cooing and chubby tottering alike, the fact that I was there for your initial steps, your first word (“Wa-ta.”), the numerous milestones that can’t be replaced by a million million-dollar paintings. The jubilance and uplift your cloudy childish curiosity banishes my demons temporarily and ties my emotions to a raspberry red balloon, sends me shimmering against your diamond moon, providing me an ephemeral glow, enough to get me though the day. You make me this incredibly maudlin and histrionic, hell, not everyone has the ability to do such a thing. And yes, I may have lost my room when you arrived, true enough, but I found a home in you.

To my sister’s chubby little child, stay wild and have fun, not only in your jungle themed party (which somehow has a clown?), but in this jungle of a life as well. True enough that your untainted whims may not last forever, but the memories remain like butterflies in my tongue, fluttering, tinting my lips with chromatic stained glass artworks, tasting of fairy dust and sweet sugary candy and an indistinguishable distinct bitter undertone, a hueful transfer with every cuddle and pinch and peck. You’ve got no reason to be sad, you need no reason to be happy, which is why you’re smiling all the time. You’ve got many people who love you unconditionally, so beat your chest and swing on the vines, you’ve got a lot to roar about. Don’t grow up too soon now. You deserve that much, at least.

Happy birthday, Gianni-ya.

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Filed under Prose

Ring the Bell Referee, and Let the Fight Begin

Such a shame you had to go and run your mouth
Your mouth is what you make it but at least I’ve got real friends—
Can you hear me now?! Now that I’m a big star!
Fuck you and your new love for yourself! (It don’t mean shit…)

~*~

Life is a kickass enemy, and the rage is a motivation

Let the judges slit my throat over my unorthodox declaration

It’s hard punches and cold lunches packed with action

Move closer to me now, and step into my own creations

Say my sullied name again, I’m stronger than before

I left my shoes under the bridge so when I fly, I feel lighter

Honestly it’s not that easy to have half of my fun

But this crimson ink bleeds so I won’t have to use a gun

My fingers they splinter from frenetic movements

If I’m still alive right now, I’m only breathing in segments

Ideas run wild and I stumble, I gotta pace to keep up

And I have to learn more about gravity to get the last laugh

Hear the sound of my voice among a stentorian million

Fuck the stars and dollar bills that sing against my emotion

I’ll whisper in silver undertones and break my voice on needles

Roll the dice but you can’t solve all my cryptic riddles

Don’t take my jealous life of matches and propane lights

Kill it fast, don’t let it die, I’m on a hurricane tonight

Spit and masticate the contract written on skin and paper

Throw the shreds in the seafloor bed under the polluted waters

But oh my god, I’ve been looking in the wrong direction

Running away in pilchard pastels over twisting intersections

This turnpike velocity won’t be my ultimate weakness

I’ll try not to splinter my soul, I’ll try never to second guess

So stop staring at me now, your glare is nitrogen seething

I promise I’ll be even later for our preliminary meeting

I’ll praise the chicken scratches I’m proud to call my home

Cursed again, this foolish confidence just won’t leave me alone

I’m exhausted, I’m burnt-out, and everything quavers spasmodically

But shit I’ll use my own words, I’m not gonna borrow from the dictionary

I know this adrenaline high will wear out soon, I’ll collapse from temporary exhilaration

But goddamnit I’ll drag my broken legs to hell if I have to, and I’ll abuse this rare motivation.

~*~

And I’ve got so much to give
But I would kill just to feel less invisible!
And you’ve got so much to learn about gravity
So live it up baby don’t look down
(Live it up baby, don’t look down…)

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Filed under Poetry

battery low

i’m always a

fully charged

battery,

but after

you use me,

i feel so

drained and

empty.

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Filed under Poetry