Tag Archives: trouble

Let’s Talk About Not Talking About It

Well I’m sick of it, over it, however you want it said
I’m telling it straight ’cause it might be the only chance I get
Just shut up, just shut up, would you stop telling me who I am?
I’m sick of it, over it, however you want it said…

~*~

Some people find it really easy to write about themselves.

I respect them for that. For being able to express innermost thoughts and more private sentiments in articulate ways, and for having that certain imbued capability in their writings where other people could read their catharsis and be able to feel all their emotions, sympathise with their plights, and look at the world in another perspective, in their own personal perspective. Of course, even if they can’t exactly relate to whatever situation that person is caught up in, they could still nod their head understandingly, dole out some hopeful dime-a-dozen platitudes, and perhaps even offer some needed advice to them, just as normal human beings should.

Whenever I attempt to write about myself, my life, or my current feelings, I tend to drown it in cryptic nuances and fuck-all metaphors that are so incredibly twisted to the point where even I don’t find any sense in it anymore. That’s why I’m more adept with poetry than prose, and why I find music to be the most therapeutic outlet for myself, above anything else. And also why I hate the shit out of essays and formal writing so much. But in the rarest blue-moon times when I try to abandon that sort of familiar style and write something that’s concise and straight to the point, in simple words that are the closest to the truth, it always makes me so disgusted with myself because I always sound like I’m whining too much and making such a big deal out of nothing. And even then, I couldn’t help but add way too much labyrinthine sentences and complicated head-scratching quips to sugarcoat the naked ugliness of it all. Case in point, this very write-up itself. Sweet irony to further press the point.

I’ve always found it difficult to talk about myself. I don’t know exactly what what happened to me that made me turn out to be this way, but whenever I try to open up, a million desperate hands pull me back inside as a thousand alarm bells seem to scream and flash red lights inside my head, all of these, all at once, giving me a major dose of anxiety that takes a long while to wear off. I never know how to be completely honest without feeling awkwardly uncomfortable, and vice versa, it’s a great struggle for me when people start getting too real and personal with me. I tend to be a very secretive person, and I’m not a great support to come running to when you got problems and need to talk it out, because I’ll probably just intensify the headache that you already have and turn it into a full-blown migraine. Trust me, some of what-unsurprisingly-scant friends I have can testify for that fact in front of a court jury with both their hands on the bible.

(But on the plus side, being a secretive person also means that I’m basically Fort Knox when it comes to keeping the secrets of other people, so…redemption??)

I try my very best to be comforting and truthful when times call for it, but somehow, I could never completely shake off that vague feeling of uncertainty, that constant nagging voice at the very back of my mind that tells me that I’m doing something wrong, or tells me that I’m not doing enough, or tells me that I’m fucking overcompensating, or whatever stupid made-up issues it has with my attempt to act like a decent human being. I’ve always just found it easier to repress everything, every difficulty and emotion that’s going on in my overwhelmed mind, to simply keep it all to myself no matter how dire it is, rather than to bother anyone else with it, and I’ve always found it easier to keep people at a ten-foot pole’s length with acerbic witticism and sarcastic dismissals, because when they get too close, someone would always get hurt, and it always ends in a devastating fallout.

To put it shortly, I don’t know how to be empathetic. And I don’t know how to make people empathise with me. Up to now, I’ve always convinced myself that it was my biggest strength.

But perhaps…it just might be my greatest weakness.

~*~

I know I have issues
But I don’t need to hear it coming from you
It’s something that I’ll work through
The beating of my heart’s not stopping anytime soon
It’s not stopping anytime soon…

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Filed under Prose

Of Despair and Last Resorts

So on to the ocean and into the sea
So balanced and calm now, that’s where I will be
So on to the ocean and into the sea
Wash away all my problems, wash away memories
Back then, always through the shattered glass
I stared at my life, and oh, I wished I would die…

~*~

Desperation, desperation, desperation.

A mother so desperate to pay back the unwanted debts she’s accumulated under a harrowing time pressure of “sooner than later”, that she’s tearfully begging her long-deceased husband’s portrait for help and verbally contemplating suicide in front of her children, splashed with witty acerbic remarks to conceal her true intentions.

“If I don’t go home tomorrow, just watch the news and you know what you’ll see.”

A woman so desperate to make amends with her best friend that she personally owes, not just money, but also so much of herself for, and attempting to save face from any further unnecessary embarrassment, that she takes out her unbridled anger on everyone else, including her family, herself, and even her very own infant son.

“You’re all fucking useless. Why don’t you just die if you can’t do anything to help?”

A person desperate for redemption, desperate for change, so fucking desperate to take away any further troubles and problems that they might cause to their family; so much so that they’re prepared to do anything to achieve such a goal, even if it means abandoning their education and their future ambitions just to find an easier route to support them. Or perhaps—a darker and easier solution that’s earnestly contemplated—just to completely remove themselves out of the equation.

“There’s less money to be spent and wasted if I’m not here, right?”

Desperation, it clings to the bruised necks of the needless like curved brier thorns, entangling itself inside fragile throats and lodging itself deeper and deeper with the softest cough, choking the sparest breath out of hope until all that’s left is a heartless fear—a fear of everything and nothing all at once, a fear for everyone else and yourself, a fear of the future, the present, and the past—until all that’s left is irrationality and logical foolishness; until all that’s left is reckless death wish.

Yet, even then, desperation still feeds ravenously. And it never starves.

~*~

Take a deep breath now
Pass the shallows

Stay steady and hold on
Through the darkness we all know…

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Problem Child

I’m hot, and when I’m not, I’m cold as ice
Get out of my way, just step aside
Or pay the price; what I want, I take
What I don’t I break, and I don’t want you…

~*~

Oh, problem child

You’ll never be worth

The trouble of anything

You cause your ma shame

And your pa’s in his grave

Still truculently screaming

.

Oh, problem child

You’re just another one

Of those wasted offspring

Ma’s beginning to cry again

And pa tells you you’re nothing

But misery and disappointing

.

Oh, problem child

Why do you have to be so

Rebellious and problematic?

Ma tries to teach you manners

As pa rudely hits you with his

Belt for talking back to him

.

Oh, problem child

We ask endlessly, just where

Did we ever go wrong with you?

Ma’s praying for your black soul

As pa tosses your bags scattering

And he’s sending you a’ packing

.

Oh, problem child

“Grow up; your life’s but a sorry mistake

And you will never amount to anything.”

That’s what your ma and pa and all your

Sneering siblings keep saying, and it’s the

Only advice you’re obediently following.

~*~

I’m a problem child
I’m a problem child, yes I am
I’m a problem child
And I’m wild…

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Filed under Poetry

shallow

sure, just keep

on digging 

my own

fucking grave

after all,

just how any

more lower

can i even

fucking get?

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Filed under Poetry

The Best of You (is the Worst of Me)

In time you’ll find that we can sober up
Clean up any dirt so we can open up
These wounds have been open for forever now
Come on, be strong, your mind has gotten the best of you
You’ve done enough and you are enough
Let’s fall asleep tonight
I’ll hold you close and show you you’re not broken…

~*~

We’re in the middle of nowhere

Trying to find the end of the road

I can’t deny that eternity’s a wreck

It proves that I’m stuck in your hold

.

I’ll limit myself to break down the sun

Let’s divide by three, my cheating friend

Your beautiful face is a drink of regret

I’ll fail falling in love, then I’ll do it again

.

The right side of nothing called out to me

Turn back now while there’s still a chance

And when you run away from my memory

Shut up and decay in a mythical romance

.

Cast a spell on me and take back the war

I’ve got a secret, promise you won’t keep it

Put a curse on me and tonight we’ll go far

I’ve got a secret, swear don’t give me bullshit

.

Forever’s a lie, but together we will die

I said I was sorry, but you don’t believe me

Sometimes you have to fall just to fly

My angel is broken but she’s still so pretty

.

I’m in trouble, devil got a hold on my soul

Let’s settle the score, let’s do some more

My heart has been waiting for an apology

But it keeps coming out all wrong, baby

.

All the reasons we’ve made just not to break

Trying to set things right was another mistake

The decisions and encounters that collapsed

And friends, a forgotten night in a time lapse

.

I don’t think I’ll carry through all this alone

Open up to me, and I will come back home

I think it’s all a bad waste, vague and petty

So tell me honestly, what is it going to be?

.

Maybe we were far too young and foolish to ever feel this much

Attracted to the pains of infatuation, and senseless to the touch

I’ll be leaving soon, but I’ll leave all my things, it’s all you can have

But I’m still here tonight so one more time, teach me how to love.

~*~

You said it, you said it, I’ll take you at your word
These promises that you can’t keep
It’s getting harder to hold on
You said it, you said it, don’t ever let me fall
Don’t give up because you’re losing…

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Let Go Of My Heart And We’ll Call It Quits

But you’re always out to get me…
You’re the snake hidden in my
Daffodils when I’m picking flowers
That’s just my luck these days
Why can’t you just be happy for me?

~*~

You’ve got the shallow nerve

To give me the cold shoulder

And just shake me off your spine

But I will be back when it’s all over

And love, you won’t be fine

‘Cause all the boys told me

That you were nothing but trouble

But I drank all my parting shots

And ordered a martini, double

So consider the headache a warning

A bad souvenir for the morning

Accidents will happen on ice

Your chest heaves from the lies

Your guilty thoughts come and go

But the mess you made says no

It’s a shame, what a damn shame

If everything was just in vain

You’re cute when you get protective

So arrogant and manipulative

Kill me on the inside, gold bar, flatline

Lovesick, cheap trick, swear you’ll be mine

Play it safe and join the fight

The carpet won’t shed out hate tonight

I’m smiling with insincere teeth

But baby, baby, you’re such a cheat

Maybe I’m just the bad guy

But can you say you’re a reason I die?

There used to be a finer devotion

But I lost you when I lost my emotion

If only you’d stop fucking around, honey

But I’m too numb to feel sorry

This game ain’t too bad, having fun yet?

It’ll end up being our death

So give me the permission to dig some dirt

Draw a line between to avoid hurt

So keep my brakes from working again

Count me in, and we’ll both be crashin’

Rejection’s such a bitch, trust can’t be trusted

An involvement of two hearts that lusted

You can’t survive the game if you play love bad

But resent me for trying, it’s all I ever had.

~*~

You’re the brake lights failing as
My car swerves off the freeway
It kind of feels like sabotage
Why can’t you just be happy for
Why can’t you just be happy for me?

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No One Does It Better

I woke up this morning with a grudge the size of a short story
Oh, I feel, I feel so low
Let me start at the end, the part I haven’t figured out yet
Yes, I am, I’m moving slow
You are playing the lead
The headache that my actions feed
Oh, I’ve only got myself to blame…

~*~

If these whispered words don’t make sense

Because all the things you say are in past tense

I’ve never seen a frown quite like yours, dear

We’re moving too quick, I can barely see past the tears

.

Things won’t change with the blink of a blue eye

There’s a crash in the system, and a sun that won’t die

Leave it all behind when your feet is barely touching the ground

Searching for a secret place where you could never be found

.

Let’s stay out late and laugh about the childish lies that could never be

If I chain myself to your bleeding wrists, would I be set free?

But somehow there’s a moral somewhere in this addicting vice

I’ll simply smile behind your back and I’ll play nice, I can play nice

.

This was nothing but trouble, but it was all worth it to me

We’re going down, I told you about how it’s gonna go wrong badly

The alarm is sounding, red lights flashing, and we’re dancing under fire

Can you still hear me as you drown under the depths of desire?

.

The bitter taste was my saving grace, my only reason to live

I’m too tired to find my problems now, I’m too tired to know what I can give

I don’t know what I was thinking when I pulled the curtains shut

The rope around my neck is keeping me hanging on, please understand that

.

I would be out of line to say how damn beautiful you look tonight

But even if I’m not allowed to speak, that doesn’t mean that I’m not right

I was hoping to take a hold of the lost future we saved for the last

It wasn’t the best we had, but it’s better compared to the past

.

The headache is beginning to grow, I think it’s highly contagious

The room is spinning and my vision’s blurring, and I’m going delirious

Your honesty is something to be jealous about, and your vanity’s not your sin

Your virtues burn faster than your cigarettes, inhale the smoke within

.

I woke up with all your bags packed and gone, and the cab you hailed was denying

This is just another difficult test, and it’s one that I seem to be failing

The grudges I held onto left faster than your memories, I’m not losing sleep over you, it’s true

And if there’s any reason to move past, dear, no one does it better than you.

~*~

This is another test
Which I would fail when at my best
Oh, always ending the same
If I were an honest guy
I’d give this role another try…

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Ponderings and Preludes VI

Here I lie forever, sorrow still remains
Will the water pull me down and wash it all away?
Come and take me over, welcome to the game
Will the current drag me down and carry me away?
Suddenly the light begins to fade…

~*~

ON FRAGILITY

I was severely fragile

And I let you drop me

Maybe if I was more agile

I won’t be broken, maybe.

~*~

ON TROUBLE

The water is scalding hot

Their tempers are boiling

Hate spilling over the pot

It’s time for me to jump in.

~*~

ON RADIANCE

Your sunshine is quite radiating

Smile lambent, aureole, sincere

But your heat got overwhelming

And tore holes in my atmosphere.

~*~

ON INSANITY

Delusional, schizo, a crazy mess

Insults as I indulge in my fantasy

If I can swim through happiness

Why drown myself in cold reality?

~*~

ON PRIDE

I wouldn’t swallow my own pride

For once, I said I’d rather be dead

Thus I stood my ground foolishly

And ended up choking on it instead.

~*~

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