Tag Archives: trust

27 – musings on gil puyat station

oh, she’s like this cardboard city, with the subtle way she’s barely holding herself together.

she’s an anachronism, of late-night guilt and freshly-brewed coffee; no sugar, no cream, barely sipped. she intertwines her deepest confessions inside my vulnerable chest cavity and suddenly constricts without warning, completely sucking me dry of resentful consciences and clever second thoughts.

though i talk with corroded shackles beneath my tongue, i care not for the sharp tang of rust. while she solemnly weeps for fictional infinities on the other side of the country, i impatiently await that impending reply as i absently gaze outside the window of a clattering train, basking at this city, built upon centuries of dusty grey smog and busy promises—of fragile bodies barely touching, barely stopping to breathe, barely existing.

she has an irrational need, that insensible girl, to save what can no longer be saved, to control what is far beyond her means, to create as it destroys her. the pleading words on the dull glow of my screen are a tangible whisper, tasting of colliding tears and bitter shame. “i want to help you, like they always did for me, but—i fear…i fear i cannot.”

can you not, indeed? my ulterior rejection is swift and bordering on impolite; but i still listen, and descry for mutual understanding. for though i shall never admit it out loud, your blithe persistence undoubtedly plagues me; to the very throes of my lavender dreams—resting beneath the stars as i turn my back upon that flimsy conversation and that paper metropolis, and allow myself to think clearly again.

to her, i am the eternal glue that holds her together. to me, i am the stranger who mercilessly ripped her apart in an attempt to reconstruct her to my own selfish beliefs.

who is right? what is the relative concept; of wrongness, of forgiveness, of sudden change and reconciliation, of the flismy trust that you broke, and the tested faith that broke you?

and who am i to tell?

the verdant landscape of laguna finally greets my wandering eyes and thankfully pulls me away from the echoing cries of that city, that poster past of a coalescing city that fills up my thoughts with a charcoal haze and renders everything else an unfamiliar slate of grey. my sighs are comforting once again, and she no longer appears to be just another one of the million impostors i came across today.

she means well. she meant well.

though—call it nihilism if you may—at the very least, she should be tolerable to her qualms and fear not the fortunate reality of losing me; arms unfolding, heart reaching, mind forgetting.

and fade away, i will. a plastic boy like me has no place in a cardboard world like this.

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Filed under Prose

the house of sinners

You’ve fallen captive to what you thought would
Save you, what you thought would clean your slate
You’re in the thick of it now and you have swallowed the hook
What’s done is done, we’ll continue on with or without you
Pain must exist in order for healing to survive
Neither one will ever serve their purpose alone…

~*~

underhanded whispers

rotting foundations to the very core

flesh devoured by the ego

and cold blood sold to murder slaves—

black eye gouged for black eye

in this parasitic wasteland;

of a home built on crossbones

and mangled hearsay

swallowing teeth and anger

boiling harsh on explosive veins

devouring the starving bruised hearts

until all that’s left is arcane vitriol.

so tear my body apart to pathetic shreds,

expose the lies in my backbone

and make me believe fervently in

your hypocritical preambles,

distorted tales of abuse,

vile corrupted, asinine whining,

and the conjured-up apparitions at the

tip of your foul leather tongue…

i’ll pass it on to another fool;

taking them as you have taken me for.

because oh, i just adore

your stories of foolhardy orphans

and the secret adoptions that

you slipped in our coffee like poison

and now you have the nerve to grit

the dirty money between

your running mouth and say that

we don’t fucking deserve any of your trust

as you shamelessly go crawling back to your mistress

and weep behind red war paint.

a personal sadistic leverage,

that pathetic carnage of a temper of yours.

watch yourself before you accuse us

and don’t speak with the smoking gun

permanently lodged between your

pointing fingers like a quickly-burning cigarette,

because you’re gonna set yourself on fire.

and we’ll stand back and watch

the hostile flames convict you of arson—

among all of the other crimes

you’ve shamelessly committed against us,

because it’s the most merciful thing

we could ever do to you.

~*~

This is my goodbye, don’t worry
We saw through your trickery
And we’re coming out alive, see you at the end
What was once your life is now lifeless
What was once your life is now your jail cell.

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Filed under Poetry

Nervous Wreck

You’ve got a lot of nerve

At the tip of your tongue

When you were the one

Who made me feel sorry

I was still even breathing,

The one who made all my

Dreams feel secondhand

And just a cheap thrill drug,

The one who made it seem

Like underground reposing

Was the only option for you.

.

You’ve got a lot of nerve

On your mouth, and none

On the organ past your ribs—

But that’s alright, because I

Lost mine when you twisted

It into a noose and made my

Cold throat feel numbed-out.

That’s alright if you want to

Murder trust and then act like

You’re the fucking victim here

Just don’t drag me down again—

You could do that for yourself.

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Filed under Poetry

Star[tled]

If I can’t talk, then I’ll cry!
“Well this is what you get for holding on”
The haunting noise from lonely sung
And buried this in me because
“It’s eye for eye”…

~*~

I’m never one for chasing

Starry words on a starless night

I’m never one for soothing

Balms and reassurances of right

But I will not let your trust

Fade into ashes, descending dust

For what it’s worth, I’m curt

I will not let your bionic heart rust.

~*~

I broke out words, knocked on your heart
This feeling’s new, don’t know where to start…

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Filed under Poetry

Credence Revival

I gots a lot to learn
But I learn a lot, I’m not concerned
You’ve got a lot of burns
From all this pessimism you said
Miscommunication…

~*~

Regrets adamant, remorseful shame sternly pressing at the back of my throat

If I’ve held on to my beliefs tighter, would that make it harder for faith to let go?

I’m attempting to beat down the monstrous odds with a bantam plastic sword

And disregarding the tongues they have cut away so that I can get the last word

.

I took their plans, drawn and carefully-laid out, and I spilled my blood all over

Until my moral compass and the road to vices are practically indistinguishable

This is a cosmic sitcom, not blatant sanctity that can be written on plain paper

I’m fucked for simply thinking I have a motivation that is never extinguishable

.

Hope for the best and prepare for the worst, ask for blessings but receive a curse

Desperate for a reckoning, delirious over second chances, drinking against thirst

In the atrocity of life’s reliquary, I’m only wishing to find any smidgen of cohesion

But all the platitudes of confidence and trust were nothing but blank superstitions.

~*~

Fake apologies (Fake apologies)
Can I just call it quits, I can’t take all of this
Fighting all of me (Fighting all of me)
I want a second chance, but I’m so broken…

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Relapse, Recover

Who am I to think I’m one with this
To devise a life and run with it
Well, I’m running away
Then hear my ties to burden
And this is where I’m from
So when my body fails me
And all my beliefs, taking flight
This is how you’ll remember me…

~*~

These cicatrices are verboten, swear to hell that you will keep them

Crashing the pnuematic mistakes I fall away in again and yet again

Clinical neuropathy and an ugly intruder that never seems to yield

Scavenging my liquor breath and leaving my collapsed lungs killed

.

Drink in the chasms of ocean trust and lose a gold fountain of youth

Impervious to the suffering I averted, prismatic saved stars uncouth

If these knives are a circus show, my veins are the devil’s fairground

I never thought I even had it in my dragged carcass to still be around

.

As you spoke in tongues of sequined runes and automatic hieroglyphs

Of laconic hope, disembodied willow phantoms trailing from your lips

The acolytes ambush in resistant strain and infested in forlorn fervour

You won’t dare let this algae drown, alleged not to be a mere spectator

.

So bury the scars under fading promises and writ oaths in ink-noir blood

Privacy’s always my abraded fallacy, occluded to playing games with God

I swallowed the dynamite and lit a cigarette, let the ashes dance delirious

You altered the fuse inside my burning abdomen, knowing it was insidious

.

I never hoped for a full recovery, but I’m hitching a ride at the next ambulance

If the ritalin ceases to perplex my vertiginous peripheral, I will find my chance

I’m starving for friends and absent sense, the ones I’d die in a lost heartbeat for

And if I ever finish tallying all my infinite debts, I’ll let you know the final score.

~*~

Build me a foundation, not one of perfection
But one of structure and word
My eyes are upright, in constant search
Perfection, a shout unconquerable
Aren’t we all human! Aren’t we all human?

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Filed under Poetry

Let Go Of My Heart And We’ll Call It Quits

But you’re always out to get me…
You’re the snake hidden in my
Daffodils when I’m picking flowers
That’s just my luck these days
Why can’t you just be happy for me?

~*~

You’ve got the shallow nerve

To give me the cold shoulder

And just shake me off your spine

But I will be back when it’s all over

And love, you won’t be fine

‘Cause all the boys told me

That you were nothing but trouble

But I drank all my parting shots

And ordered a martini, double

So consider the headache a warning

A bad souvenir for the morning

Accidents will happen on ice

Your chest heaves from the lies

Your guilty thoughts come and go

But the mess you made says no

It’s a shame, what a damn shame

If everything was just in vain

You’re cute when you get protective

So arrogant and manipulative

Kill me on the inside, gold bar, flatline

Lovesick, cheap trick, swear you’ll be mine

Play it safe and join the fight

The carpet won’t shed out hate tonight

I’m smiling with insincere teeth

But baby, baby, you’re such a cheat

Maybe I’m just the bad guy

But can you say you’re a reason I die?

There used to be a finer devotion

But I lost you when I lost my emotion

If only you’d stop fucking around, honey

But I’m too numb to feel sorry

This game ain’t too bad, having fun yet?

It’ll end up being our death

So give me the permission to dig some dirt

Draw a line between to avoid hurt

So keep my brakes from working again

Count me in, and we’ll both be crashin’

Rejection’s such a bitch, trust can’t be trusted

An involvement of two hearts that lusted

You can’t survive the game if you play love bad

But resent me for trying, it’s all I ever had.

~*~

You’re the brake lights failing as
My car swerves off the freeway
It kind of feels like sabotage
Why can’t you just be happy for
Why can’t you just be happy for me?

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Filed under Poetry

The Ba[sta]rd

What do I have to do

To prove to you

That these songs don’t

Bleed for your ego?

I understand you’re not

Paper thin, I think

But I never knew you can

Be this absurdly thick

I know you reckon

I’m all rose and posies

But I smash my mirror daily

And rip off the rosaries

For the only way I’ll

Ever know how to feel

Is with the metal blades

As a numbing thrill

But don’t get me wrong

Love’s as good as it gets

It’s like a dying dog

Flea infested and wet

Oh, how I fucking wish

There’s just so much more

But that’s the finale

Of my transparent score

So catch the obvious

With your obscured eyes

So you’d refrain from

Obsessing with asinine lies

I have just gone through

A truckload of shit

And you don’t even fucking

Know the half of it

I can’t be loquacious so

I write it all in ink and blood

There’s no one else I

Could dare trust to nod

And I don’t need your burden

To add to my heavy load

So just bait another sucker

Crashing on the road

But don’t sympathise now

With my hypodermic needles

I’m just a first class prick

But when I’m feeling deep

Am I ever glad to have

A buddy that’s a total git.

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Filed under Poetry

Ladies and Gentlemen, Please Welcome Anxiety

Never learn to trust your own betraying tongue

When it leads with the weight of your bruised shoulders

What is there to surmise from the situation? None.

But somehow the summer airs get colder and colder

So do not introduce me yet to that impatient crowd

You know that I hate it when I have to speak aloud

There’s a chemical reaction to mind nuclear division

And it stifles my system short and delays my emotion

The reaction is too consequential and almost allergic

The microphone toppling with a dissonant hysteric

And the ears they lent seem to be made of plasticine

Sobering up a sold silken sonata like bad medicine

But still I won’t hide away with the stars just to rue

And fugacious flowery fade with my thoughts unsung

And if I really want the audience to either clap and boo

Then I will really have to learn to trust my own tongue.

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Filed under Poetry

Betrayal

I put my purest of trust in you

But you broke that faith in two

For you took something I love

And made it hatred hell above

It was this clandestinely secret

Constructed to be held by pair

Hell, apparently I chose wrong

When you begged me to share

And now everyone is watching

Aren’t you proud you’re whole?

And here I sit in regret thinking

You are such a fucking asshole

Oh how I’d love to let you know

That I’m done with this bullshit

Now I’m letting all that I love go

Just so you would go away with it.

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Filed under Poetry