Tag Archives: try

The Emptiness

I feel at home with shadows from ghosts of the living
I dance along to melodies as silent choirs sing
I’m sick of always giving when there’s nothing left to lose
That place we’re in is breaking, it’s trying to break me too…

~*~

Another day, another death.

I wake up, empty. Tired to the very bone, despite the fact that I slept for more than ten hours. The bed feels so cosy and comfortable, as rain serenades the windowsill and cold morning air nips at my feet, luring me back into a dull oblivion. As usual, I don’t want to live. I don’t want to get out of my bed and function mechanically, feeling nothing but nothing. But I have obligations. Responsibilities. Projects and procrastinated homework. So I get up sullenly and do what I can. Do what I should. Brace myself through the freezing shower. Dress up, scarf down breakfast, flag down a vehicle, go to school, socialise, do things, and try to make it through another day.

I started the day feeling shitty as usual, but halfway throughout it, things were looking up. I finished my crammed essays. I made some write-ups and started a story that I’ve been raring to write for ages. I got to catch up with my bands. I helped classmates out, actually recited, accomplished my quizzes and seatworks, actively participated in class. I finally got the thing I’ve been excited to receive the entire weekend. I ate great food and hung out and laughed with fine friends. For once, this was an honest to god day where I acted like a proficient human being, where I didn’t act up and was not my usual dysfunctional self. I did everything right.

So why does everything feel so fucking wrong?

I ended the day running halfway to my house, after having a complete breakdown in the middle of the public city and making people have to put up with the wreck that I am, and unnecessarily infecting them with whatever sad fucking irrational bullshit I was going through. I ended up nearly getting ran over by a bus, nearly missing my bus stop, fucking crying on a goddamn bus as guilt and goddamn pain internally ran me over. I ended up lusting for my vices for the millionth time, for a razor and a pill to infest my system, dying to relapse, living to die. I ended up empty, tired, and unfulfilled, the same way I wake up everyday, and the same way I am as I go to sleep.

I thought all this was supposed to make you feel stronger and make you desire for a greater life, not feeling vulnerable and washed out by the sun, sitting in your dark bedroom, anxious and wallowing, curled up in your own contrition and regretting everything, heaving emptily as everything drains the energy out of your existence. In the end, everything, all of it, writing, reading, songs, bands, fandoms, obsessions, friends, love, emotions, momentary bouts of faux happiness and vigilant but futile hope, it’s just mere distractions in the end. All just stupid petty little distractions to make it seem like there’s actually a chance to change. A chance for something better. A fighting chance for me.

But when all those distractions falter and fade away, I’m always left feeling ten, twenty, fifty times more miserable and pathetic than before; flooding at the gaps in my memory, making the permanent patches in my skin ache, intensifying the taste of the fucking bitter sick on my tongue. And I’m sorry. I want to be optimistic. I want to accept those butterfly pastel mantras and keep the faith. I want to keep on keeping on. I want to fight back and achieve something for myself. I want to make people proud, and make those who were thought I’d never be alter their perception. I want to see the glass-half full, not shatter it because I’m disgusted of my own reflection. I want to change. I want to believe.

I never wanted this. But somehow I can’t do jack shit about it. The only change I can see in myself now is that I’ve become more shameless, more degraded, and more screwed up than before. Anxiety, harder-hitting depression, cutting, drugs, invalid pain, panic attacks, mental breakdowns, bad decisions, I am a picture-perfect smorgasbord of everything that should never be put together. And now I don’t even bother hiding it anymore. I’ve given up trying to counter it. I’ve given up. I’ll always be cynical, and I’m screwed in the head and all fucked-up. Life feels like a constantly looming death sentence, and I want to be my own executioner. Nothing changes. Everything stays the same.

And if things went the way they were supposed to be, and I acted properly, did things right, played by the rules for once, and lived a normal, happy, fulfilling day, and the ultimate end of it all is feeling exactly the same as when I do the exact opposite, feeling that same crappy screw-all depression running through my failing system and ruining everything for me, then fuck it, what’s the point of even trying?

Why should I bother looking for something that isn’t even there?

~*~

I built these walls to keep the outside world from me
And I’ll fight to stay in the hell of my own mind
It’s safer on the inside, underneath where
You can’t ever get to me…

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Filed under Prose

beyond help

if there’s

anything i

learned

from you,

it’s that

some things

just can’t

be saved.

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Filed under Poetry

writings on wrists

“Oh, what a waste of a perfectly good clean wrist…”

~*~

you can make me laugh

then fucking cry

i’m so riddled with guilt

but you made me fly

your words are lyrical

every note a butterfly kiss

assuring me again

of what i might miss

oh, i can only wish

that i kept my promise

and i turned to you

instead of doing damage

your names collide

with the filthy red scars

black ink against purple veins

soon, they’ll win the war

what’s done is done

and blood falls forever

but while you’re still singing with me

i’ll do my best to be stronger.

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Filed under Poetry

Infidelity in Fast Lanes

I’ve got a question
Did you think that we would ever believe you?
And on the note of rejection
The line you walk is getting thin, so thin
Your green eyes are potent
But last night I know who you were with…

~*~

Forgive me for the blatant jealousy

I crashed under in high speed velocity

Veering wildly on a falseless hope

This is more than I could have coped

I guess I didn’t expect more than one

To shove down my throat the gun

That would cheat my arrogant death

As you’ll hold away my last breath

Splinters divine like a crimson rose

And I can’t chase your peripheral ghost

So listen up and you won’t speculate

Love the hate and fucking hate the hate

Keep nice thoughts under your pillow

We can reach the distance by tomorrow

If the western train doesn’t take a shortcut

Then I’ll lose you with all that I’ve got

My darling Texas girl, please wait for me

You’ll leave so soon enough regularly

So forgive me for the implicit infidelity

Let’s try this again more slowly, and maybe I’ll be sorry.

~*~

Go back home now and go back to sleep
And we say, go back with someone else who
Who wants you more than me…

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Filed under Poetry

disinterested

i’m losing interest

but i convince

myself to lie

give my feet the

chance to think

and i let them try

i’m losing interest

in the rays of the sun

i don’t know why

but i always end up

exhausted as it

sucks my bones dry.

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Filed under Poetry

the taint

don’t let me be the martyr

who shall break your skin

to be the glimmering teeth

baptising you your first sin

.

don’t let me be responsible

staining the gabardine silk

sully not such chaste ivory

this is not sheer selfish will

.

i do give a damn about you

hell, don’t you fucking see?

and i’m just trying my best

so you don’t end up like me.

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Filed under Poetry

letters to s.d.: fragment #6 {promise}

darling, you[REDACTED] be [REDACTED]ay

.

i’m sorry.

i didn’t mean to.

what have i done.

i won’t think about it.

i won’t do it again.

for you, i’ll try.

not to die.

.

fuck fuck fuck fuck i’m d[REDACTED].

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Filed under Poetry

Castigations

Talk candy in my ear, come on, come on
I want your toxic, talk sick baby
I know those gospel lips can change me
Look to the right of my okay?
We got exhibit “A″, she, she ain’t okay today…

~*~

Coronary seductions are tart, let’s play a fun fucking game

As you mess up the combinations, I’ll hook up on my brain

Stalactites of sinner spit and cold sick stains on the carpet

Tortured strains of dinner hits, but don’t blame the peeved pet

Incendiary souls sparking and dancing on a shower of alcohol

Gaslight and butane wars, that’s all it’ll mandate for you to fall

Avuncular terrorisation, but you’re getting a little too touchy

That’s enough from the queen of hearts and the king of babies

I understand this is against a chilling breeze, a carnival ride wrought for two

Only I get motion sickness too easily to please, and I’m already sick of you

Nasty, I know, just enough to make candid heavens whip their backs and cry

Still, if this story didn’t have a laughable tragic ending, then I wouldn’t even try.

~*~

The last contendent
Bad for us, bad for you
This capillary root could root up
All the little puzzle pieces
Of what you’ve been through…

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Filed under Poetry

★ without ☆

♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪

i am wanting

in faith and hope

or so you say

my prayers and

paeans don’t make

it through a day

what’s left of the

ribbons i tie in my

withered hair

and gaze at the

sunset without

any unawares

i’m lacking in joy

and bloat with

sheer despair

and i see all the

world as just one

big daycare

wallowing with

small children

waiting to be fed

spoiled and brute

and discontent

until they’re dead

a cynic, a cyanide

a crass coldhearted

curdled milkmaid

who smashes the

glasses, and steps

on the carnage

i am scarce of love

and emotions, they

say it’s quite unfair

but i’m willing to try

all this silliness, only

if someone will share.

♫•*¨*•.¸¸♪

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Filed under Poetry, Southern Constellations

Vous êtes mon étoile.

You are my star

In a city of fog and smoke

Pushing stubborn past the haze

And you fill me up with sweet hope

.

You are my star

Ever radiant and gleaming

Your twinkle softly singing

Yellow diamond scintillating

.

You are my star

In a valley of sheer darkness

Mind not the silver cold moon

You call attention amidst the gloom

.

You are my star

Beauty, splendour never rivalled

Your blazing warmth set just right

Kissing me sweet dreams every night

.

You are my star

Raison d’être, my cause for existence

Without you in this vast universe

There’ll be chaos and dissidence

.

You are my star

Glorious, yet futilely too distant

Though I try and wage my luck often

My chances are empty-handedly scant

.

You are my star,

And I jump so high to reach you

Try to fly high above to meet you

But I know that I’ll never catch you

And I will forever be beneath you.

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Filed under Poetry