Tag Archives: valentines

Dies Irae

“And in the end, the love you take

Is equal to the love you make.”

Quite frankly, I’m a bit jealous of people who have the casual nerve to fall in and out of love all the time—as if it was simply as bothersome as changing the frayed shoelaces on their trainers on their wornout trainers, or replacing old guitar strings because their sound has long gone dead from overuse. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course, but just;

How ever do they manage it?

I also desperately vie for that graceless, apathetic minuet—for your jaded body to queue into those monotonous cycles of halfhearted flirtations and shamefaced unspeakable nights, for your eyes to linger and your skin to prickle whenever some form of a chance draws near, to have your mind so far detached from my own overbearing sentimentality that when you crave, you simply act upon it. No love letters. No second thoughts. You don’t even have to know their name. Back into a I-V ostinato, humdrum and most time repetitive, but callously familiar all the same.

Meanwhile, I could barely make sense of all these dissonant polychords before another stray minor third or suspended ninth is forcefully thrown into the chaos, stacking up with clashing sharps and muddled tritones and making a colossal mess—and all of this coming from a singular source, no less? No consideration for modes or solfeggio? The absolute heartless anarchy.

Why must I be cursed to be a cynical romantic? A rational poet? A corrupted lullaby? I have discovered where my affections fully lay and have viciously fought tooth and nail for it; but only within myself, for myself, against myself. They need not know. They need not care. They need not suffer the awful way I have, only for nothing to come into fruition at the bittersour end, mainly because my terrified demons have their lacerating claws wrapped around every struggling limb, holding me back, screaming don’t you dare!

Aha, but what if? I hear another resolute little voice at the very back of my head interject, their rather coy tone heavily slurred with infatuated chemicals and heaven knows what else kind of drugged illogicalities. Mayn’t you take an actual chance first and maybe haphazard throwing a rose to your preluded hope, before you hang up your coat in defeat and throw it at your pre-dug grave instead? What if such an unexpected act of courage takes you where you needed to be and…more perhaps? What? If?

Courage, sugarcoated tongues call it. I call it blind and utter foolishness. Yes, I know that I willingly write about fate and destiny and the skinny scarlet threads potentially intertwining our two-syllable names at the A; but beyond that, I dare not stake my chances for a temporary happily-ever-after, nor do I refer to the gathering dust on my windowsill as fairy glitter. I know fully well what is beyond my means, and my means, in turn, know better than to continuously contradict me.

My palpitating heart and tremulous breaths, however, do not. For I have tried my untrained hand at a foreign chord inversion, and now all the blood has rushed into my skull and poured out of my gaping orifices. Everything feels so exhilaratingly t h i c k . . .

Well, curse me and my one-track mind, then. And hex/jinx/potion/burn-at-the-stake combo my asinine brain with its obsessions and hyperfixations and aspirations that focus solely on overblown proportions, it finds a shiny object that it likes and, akin to a stubborn, rabid magpie, it harshly grits its beak until one or the other shatters and even then, it does. Not. Let. Go.

Sooner or later, the hardheaded magpie will starve to death.

Honestly, I would sorely like to believe in cosmic mysticism. In soulmates and “the ones” and in pure, innocent, whimsical luck. I want to believe that if I close my eyes and daydream vividly enough, some of the pieces will slowly melt and start trickling right into the infinitesimal cracks of reality, and when I gasp awake, there shall be more shades of colour beyond my imagining—like the quaintly iridescent hue of their iris—waiting patiently in front of me. To live and to dream and yet to do neither

But in the end, no matter what I choose to believe in, I am still unfortunately a victim to reality. In reality I rightfully reside, and so in its rules I must abide—no matter how demanding, or unfair, or just plain disappointing. C’est la vie. So I must do my very best to stifle my raging adoration and love in secret—otherwise, must they think me so childishly petty?

Long ago have I ceased caring for physical intimacy, anyhow. For satiating a strange hunger that was never actually within me to begin with, like a rather curious augmentation dot in a measure that has long since ended. And I personally find it much easier to think without such fantastical denouements further clouding already-confused judgment. I simply seek another life to hold out to. Another arrangement to harmonise with mine in more pleasant overtones, and create a completely new melody once unheard of. I simply seek someone to understand with.

But even that, particularly during these trying times and ages, is already far too much to ask for. Even more unfortunately so than the former. I have found mine allure and yet lost it in the same clumsy risk. It’s affected me so much that even as I write this down, I can’t help but speak in constant musical metaphors. For I love in the same concentrated frequency as I devote my life to music. In unexpected eleven by eights and stiffer four by four cadences, in novelistic sonatas that dance around in dizzying triptychs and roaring otherworldly symphonies without a conductor present to keep it at bay; music and love and [?????], so tightly intertwined together, practically stitched at the smallest seams, inseparable, infinite, molto allargando. A trifecta of syncopated synergy tethered directly to my pulse. No wonder it is absolute agony whenever I attempt to pull one away from the other.

But music, just like everyone and everything else, desperately desires resolution. Life rarely ever offers one.

So, where do I go from here? I am hopelessly stuck tapping my fingers along to a singular timbre, and since I know all too well that there is no other exact same (or even similar) intensity nor perfect pitch that will ever come close to matching this one, I chose to deafen my entire hearing instead. There shall be no more lighthearted serenading melodies or serendipitous harmonies playing in bloom after this cantabile. I have completely given up trying. I am simply far too tired of it all to even bother anymore. I just want to get over this reckless charade and move on with my life. Better to have nothing than too much, one supposes.

Ah, to be young and in love. I quite feel as though I barely even fit in one category anymore, and yet I still vicariously persist in the other; like an octogenarian layman nearly drowning in the same river many times over the course of their entire four decades of living, whilst somehow vainly hoping to catch a pretty feathered dove. Existence is admittedly rarely too dull—but it is, however, messy and pointless and full of cacophonous noises and obnoxious plot holes. That’s what makes it exciting. I’d very much rather be bored to death.

So tell me, how does one love if they do not know how to—and do not ever want to? How does one get rid of love when this exhausted cliché has nothing left to give, but invisibly clings on to them like an unpleasant earworm just to suck them dry and make their stomach feel relentlessly sick? And how does one ridiculously fall prey to love over and over again and still keep crawling back for just one more bruise—when I myself have already stretched out every aching muscle, squeezed out every drop of vital liquid, and fractured every bone in my abused and protesting body just to get rid of one person, like a frenetic rondo without decrescendo???

Perhaps it’s an acquired taste. Perhaps the primal survival of our specie deems it necessary. Perhaps I am simply fucking weak.

Truly, I am not jealous of most people’s normal ability to let themselves loose and dive headfirst into everything at an uncharted whim. I am only ever jealous over my own lack of self-control with my incessant, irrational, one-sided reverence; though the mercurial world’s unpredictable rhythm pushes past like a steady heartbeat as it constantly heeds me to move on. Move on. Move on.

If only I were more human than that.

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Filed under Prose, Valentines Poetry

pink and gold

I knew she was lying
When she said, “You’re okay.”
You’re not okay, no
You’re not okay, are you?

~*~

sweetest surprises

wrapped in ribbons

and in sing-alongs

and broken wrongs

twisting my lungs

twisting like snakes

twisted apart, i am

like plaited braids

.

but it’s not about

the silver wrappers

or the pastel anchor

to see who’s better

tasting saccharine

tasting like venom

tasted it all, i did

like glitter in honey.

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Side-A: Ballad (Greatest Hit)

Now this boy’s addicted ’cause
Your kiss is the drug, woah
Your love is like bad medicine
Bad medicine is what I need, oh
Shake it up just like bad medicine
There ain’t no doctor that can cure my disease…

~*~

Verse 1:

You’re the kind of innocence

That I’ll wholeheartedly love

Your breath of mint and sugar

Tastes sweeter than life, dove

.

Verse 2:

You remind me of summertime

A radio on, a cooled coffee cup

Sensations surrender to decline

A languid peace that never stops

.

Bridge:

Nevermind your mascara runs

If your wrists cry, not your eyes

I’ll kiss away your revolver gun

I won’t pepper you with silly lies

.

Chorus:

But why can’t you just love me?

Dear, I’ll be your eternal valentine

You fill my heart with jubilance

Promise me that you will be mine

.

Verse 3:

First time our eyes met, I shivered

Your sky blue eyes bloomed colour

You smiled, and my feeling soared

I knew that day it was my true love

.

Verse 4:

Because of you, my soul, it flutters

I’m swimming on turbulent waters

Life is in glorious full technicolour

You’re my angel, purity and velour

.

Elision:

My affections beat my affectations

I’m a man efflorescent compassion

It’s spiralling, my galaxy of emotions

So won’t you be my nostrum potion?

.

Hook:

Don’t you understand how I feel?

I am chasing for you, this is real

Go ahead, tease me being sappy

I won’t care, at least I’ll be happy

.

Refrain:

But oh, why can’t you just love me?

I’m so blinded by your light, so see

I’m your fool, you got me way high

I will do what it takes for you to try

.

Outro:

It was do or die babe, the deed is done

One final word to enliven me with sun

Now I will ask you, just one more time

Will you accept it and be my valentine?

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Filed under Poetry, Valentines Poetry

Dolorous Decadentia

Is your heart singing out of tune?
Are your eyes just singing the blues?
Dirty records from another time
Some bloodstains on your shoes…

~*~

LOVE

Lonely, some are, looking desperately for a lifetime companion

Others may care not for their contagious desolation

Voices of sound reason becomes whispers of absolute treason

Everyone seems to fall on their knees, limerent to a faux ecstasy of a season.

~*~

ROSE

Rampaging against these tidal waves of cruel thorns

Over and under, on my rough skin the crisscrossing wounds are newly-born

Some blood may be shed, some injuries may never come to a complete close

Every pain matters not when I finally reach the single, beautiful red rose.

~*~

FORM

For this waltz of desecration and dignity, hold your chosen lover tight

Odalisque charm or sincere soul, harbinger of darkness or provider of light

Rays of heartless romance that pierce your flickering, faltering health

May your one last dance with life be graceful as you get pulled away by death.

~*~

STAR

Sharpened double blades of luminary constellation

Truculent tempers in a supernova, anger that causes exhilaration

Arrivals and fluxing of colour and chrome, radiant from afar

Relieve the moments when I felt dim and yet you still made me a star.

~*~

JINX

Je ne sais quoi, that’s how my doubtful, errant feelings felt at first

In times whenever I catch your sight, my heart seems to achingly thirst

Now I know the cold truth though, that I was poisoned with a with a diluted love liquid

Xenophilia was nothing but a desensitised lie that you set up for my emotions so insipid.

~*~

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Filed under Poetry, Valentines Poetry

Amor, Corda, Sanguis III: BLOOD

(Part three.)

Honey…wake up…dear…darling?…

I  woke up, and my dear wife was dead

Shotgun, a bullet put through her head

The bed, the sheets, the floor, they flood

With endless amounts of warm, sticky blood

I blinked my eyes, and cried in vain

When I realized that this was not a dream

Who did this!? Which sick bastard killed my wife!?

Which psychotic bitch broke her pretty face, ended her life!?

How the hell am I supposed to live without her?

She was my life, my core, my soul, my lover!

No…why, just why have they done this to me!?

My dearest angel, my love, please don’t leave me, can’t you see!?

God, why have you done this to me, to her!?

She didn’t do anything wrong! She was so innocent, so much better!

No…just wait…wait, I still hear her voice so loud!

My wife! She’s still awake and alive! Clear and proud!

Darling, are you here? Are you forever trapped in that mirror?

Is that just my ghastly reflection? What is happening? What’s this horror?

Please, no, my love, come down here, come back to my life!

Don’t come with those Seraphs, my soul will be filled with endless strife!

…I hear them coming…the persistent voices…the are near

The requiems are getting louder, soon…they’ll be arriving here

I cannot live like this anymore, so I guess I’ll beat them to the race

Just wait for me, my darling…soon, just once more, again, I’ll see your face

Honey…please…no…I…I…love…you…..

Goodbye.

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Filed under Poetry, Valentines Poetry

Amor, Corda, Sanguis I: LOVE

(Part one of my late valentines post.)

I love you…

The moon shall rise, and the planets falter

But my love for you will never alter

The sun shall burn on, and the universe corrode

The unknown found and the mysteries get decode

The wind’ll stop breathing, the world will cease to spin

But I’ll take you away, you’re my regretless sin

I don’t care if they chain me, fill my head with lies

I’ll still hold your hands tight as we fly into paradise

To your darkest days, I’ll be your light

I’ll be the guide to the tunnel, I’ll be the sword in your fight

We’ll fight the demons together, break free from the chains

I’ll take the crippling depression away, all the hurt and the pain

I don’t mind the chaos ensuing, the bedlam that will arise

I’ll pull heaven and hell together, just to see your eyes

And even though I’ll have to travel far, have to walk a million miles

I’ll drag these shackles day and night just to see that smile

I’ll save you from those scorching flames, though the demons claim my soul

I do not care if the universe rips apart, I’ll still do my role

And as the world ends, I’ll pull you close into my heart

And together we’ll watch as the world plunges into the dark

.

.

.

Even though you pulled the trigger that cost me my life

And your crimson-stained hands now wield a sharp glinting knife

And even if I sit in Heaven while you burn in eternal flames in Hell

I still love you so much, that I could tell.

Darling, can you hear me? Goodbye…

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Love and Hate : Valentines Post #3

L-est you want to be cold corpse, or forever gone

O-r a slave, damned eternally, a tortured bloody pet

V-iew me as your world, your only one

E-asy as that, so do not fret

.

A-ll your love and adoration goes straight to me

N-o other person, animal, or any living thing

D-edicate your whole life to me, I’m the only one you should see

.

H-ell is what you’ll feel if you break your promise

A-ll of my rage and fury will be unleashed

T-treat me well and you won’t regret

E-ntertain me, my love, my cute little pet.

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Filed under Poetry, Valentines Poetry

Valentines: Valentines Post #2

V-aliantly I stride forward, holding a sharp glinting knife

A-nd begin to hack away at the useless people, beaming with pride

L-ove, murder, and blood are the only things on my mind

E-xterminate and remove, those who interfere

N-o one can stop me now, everyone cowers in fear

T-ruly, this must show my love for you

I-t also shows how much I’ll do just for you too

N-evertheless, I shed some pretty crimson blood

E-xecute some worthless people, let the corpses flood

S-laying, killing, murdering, just to say happy valentines, my love.

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Filed under Poetry, Valentines Poetry

Inseparable : Valentines Post #1

(Quick note: A yandere is a person that will kill for love. Literally. She will kill anyone, or anything, just to get her love. Sometimes she even kills the very person she loves.)

~*~

I-t’s only me and you in here

N-ow we’re finally alone, so do not fear

S-uffering, the people who tried to separate us

E-radicated, those who got in our way

P-lay along, don’t worry, don’t cause such a fuss

A- knife in hand, I’ll protect you forever, starting today

R-est now, ignore the cold unmoving bodies all around

A-nd the screams and whimpers and crying that resound

B-e happy, for we two are inseparable now and forever

L-ove, murder, and revenge is stronger than anyone

E-njoy, have fun, good luck, love, your little yandere-chan.

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Filed under Poetry, Valentines Poetry

A useless announcement

So it’s valentines. Huh. 

Since it is the month of love (God, that sounds so mushy), I’ll be posting a couple of poems and shiz that may or may not be love…linked?

But don’t expect anything really mushy of full of love or other disgusting stuff like that from me. Well, you probably won’t, based on my previous posts. But if you’re new here, then…No. Just…don’t expect that. I don’t roll like that.

I’ll give out a forewarning, just to make things clear.

WARNING: Some (or most…or all…) of the stuff I am going to post are mostly bloody and really psychopathic, since it comes from a psychopathic, vivid mind. I also described some stuff in here a little too…descriptive? So if you cannot take that kind of stuff, or you have some sort of heart disease or whatnot, then please, I suggest that you close this page, throw your laptop or PC or phone into a blazing fire, and just carry on with your life. Also, this warning is getting too long. And I suck at professionalism. But, I digress. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!

Got all that? Good.

That’s all I really had to say. Oh, wait. Sorry for being inactive as well. But fear not, dear readers, I am returning!

Okay, that’s all I really had to say. 

~LostPaintingOut~

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