Tag Archives: wreck

Collide in Contagion

Bury me in the bedroom where I, I can sing you to sleep all night
Put me next to the open window, promise me a second time
‘Cause I don’t want to leave without you buried by my side
I’d rather kill the one responsible for falling stars at night
Cause they fall all around me, the night can be deadly….

~*~

You’re the honorary

Disease of my cardiovascular

Eradication, love

The million spider bites

Injecting toxin in my system

Until my nerves seize

Like the abrupt hitch of my

Asthmatic breath when

Your fangs sank into soft flesh

And painted my skin red

Red as the cerise vows you made

That gave me scarlet fever

.

But where would we end up

If it weren’t for your pellucid palate

And bloodlust for melodrama

Rictus interlocked against rictus

Disgustingly quivering as

Both mouths whispered bullshit

That intensifies the acrid taste

Of our executed demise

I’ll carve profanities in your

Fractured ribcage, and pierce this

Needle past your deflated lungs

Serrated viciously until you gasp for air

.

I buried this disgusting romance

Under a reckless murder scene

And if you think you can dig it back up

I’ll hit your head with the shovel

Your eyes are protanopic machines

My lips feel like corroded metal

So rust away the scar tissues

And mangle in the alkaline fear

Pernicious hysteria and controversies

Realining my taut fasciculus

Sealed surgery with parallax thorns

Festering in my paralytic accident again

.

So tell me if my parasitic mind

Is as right as your moral ambiguity

I’m inhaling your reputation

Like crushed cocaine and car smoke

But the crash test of my dopamine

Is beginning to rapidly decline

And the agony of your bruises are

Already starting to fucking set in again

My encephalon is incapacitated

You took advantage of the ill

But love, if this is what it takes to

Collide me with your wrecked body

Then I don’t ever want to heal.

~*~

And I don’t care if you’re sick
I don’t care if you’re contagious
I would kiss you even if you were dead
Would somebody make me go blind for the rest of my life?
‘Cause I’d do anything to hold your hand!

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open season

i have never told you a single thing

because i do not want you involved

i do not want you to get in the way

of such trainwreck i have devolved

if it was better for me, i would bite

they all say it’s what’s fucking right

but i know there’s not a damn point

there’s only cliche bullshit to anoint

of medication and invasive therapy

that leaves no personal room for me

and i do not want paid-for sympathy

nor will i waste my time for insanity

six years i’ve been dealing out alone

and i’m still alive right now, aren’t i?

i’ve done everything to keep it all in

fucked in the head with fucking lies

but i’m fighting back, broke apology

i cut my wrists, but never too deeply

i repress depression, relapse, release

i’ve people to pull me out of the seas

i still hope, i still dream, and i’ll love

i’m still disgustingly human by blood

i am damaged, but that does not mean

that i’m not trying to change anything

so please just stay away from this mess

and honestly, this is just all for the best

say it’s help my mind need endures, but

you just might end up making me worse.

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Disasterology 305: Dial D-E-A-T-H For Disaster

Can we create something beautiful
And destroy it?
Nobody knows I dream about it
This is my imagination…
If every living thing dies alone
What am I doing here?

~*~

If I taught you to dream, would you finally learn to sleep?

I’ll amaze you with the million stars I hide under my bed

Build me a wreck from a beauty I created but I can’t keep

You’re bad for my health, I’ll take one aspirin for my head

.

Catatonic hearts scream, from the energy keeping us awake

And shafts of sunlight beat down harsh on beautiful victims

Another unwritten telegram on the ceiling is all that it takes

For our getaways to run away, as your provenance is sinking

.

Will you pick me up if my mirror starts bleeding phantoms?

It hurts less if I pick up my pieces and drink my own venom

The words are running away from me, should I try to chase?

Clockwork temper with your contagious distractions in place

.

Will you be there when I die? Are you too caught with fame?

Are you just a nightmare? Do you even remember my name?

The acid answer would be the reason that my wineglass falls

I’m tired of waking up to a reality of answering machine calls

.

Buried close together in a shallow grave which was built for only one

These flower wreaths are choking me, cliché roses left for cliché suns

Wounds and bandages tangling, unraveled in farewell of a handshake

For dial tone sessions with your dying voice, I don’t mind staying up late.

~*~

If every living thing dies alone
What am I doing here…?
(Fuck it!) If it’s the end of the world!
If it’s the end of the world!
You and me should spend
The rest of it in love!

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The Emptiness

I feel at home with shadows from ghosts of the living
I dance along to melodies as silent choirs sing
I’m sick of always giving when there’s nothing left to lose
That place we’re in is breaking, it’s trying to break me too…

~*~

Another day, another death.

I wake up, empty. Tired to the very bone, despite the fact that I slept for more than ten hours. The bed feels so cosy and comfortable, as rain serenades the windowsill and cold morning air nips at my feet, luring me back into a dull oblivion. As usual, I don’t want to live. I don’t want to get out of my bed and function mechanically, feeling nothing but nothing. But I have obligations. Responsibilities. Projects and procrastinated homework. So I get up sullenly and do what I can. Do what I should. Brace myself through the freezing shower. Dress up, scarf down breakfast, flag down a vehicle, go to school, socialise, do things, and try to make it through another day.

I started the day feeling shitty as usual, but halfway throughout it, things were looking up. I finished my crammed essays. I made some write-ups and started a story that I’ve been raring to write for ages. I got to catch up with my bands. I helped classmates out, actually recited, accomplished my quizzes and seatworks, actively participated in class. I finally got the thing I’ve been excited to receive the entire weekend. I ate great food and hung out and laughed with fine friends. For once, this was an honest to god day where I acted like a proficient human being, where I didn’t act up and was not my usual dysfunctional self. I did everything right.

So why does everything feel so fucking wrong?

I ended the day running halfway to my house, after having a complete breakdown in the middle of the public city and making people have to put up with the wreck that I am, and unnecessarily infecting them with whatever sad fucking irrational bullshit I was going through. I ended up nearly getting ran over by a bus, nearly missing my bus stop, fucking crying on a goddamn bus as guilt and goddamn pain internally ran me over. I ended up lusting for my vices for the millionth time, for a razor and a pill to infest my system, dying to relapse, living to die. I ended up empty, tired, and unfulfilled, the same way I wake up everyday, and the same way I am as I go to sleep.

I thought all this was supposed to make you feel stronger and make you desire for a greater life, not feeling vulnerable and washed out by the sun, sitting in your dark bedroom, anxious and wallowing, curled up in your own contrition and regretting everything, heaving emptily as everything drains the energy out of your existence. In the end, everything, all of it, writing, reading, songs, bands, fandoms, obsessions, friends, love, emotions, momentary bouts of faux happiness and vigilant but futile hope, it’s just mere distractions in the end. All just stupid petty little distractions to make it seem like there’s actually a chance to change. A chance for something better. A fighting chance for me.

But when all those distractions falter and fade away, I’m always left feeling ten, twenty, fifty times more miserable and pathetic than before; flooding at the gaps in my memory, making the permanent patches in my skin ache, intensifying the taste of the fucking bitter sick on my tongue. And I’m sorry. I want to be optimistic. I want to accept those butterfly pastel mantras and keep the faith. I want to keep on keeping on. I want to fight back and achieve something for myself. I want to make people proud, and make those who were thought I’d never be alter their perception. I want to see the glass-half full, not shatter it because I’m disgusted of my own reflection. I want to change. I want to believe.

I never wanted this. But somehow I can’t do jack shit about it. The only change I can see in myself now is that I’ve become more shameless, more degraded, and more screwed up than before. Anxiety, harder-hitting depression, cutting, drugs, invalid pain, panic attacks, mental breakdowns, bad decisions, I am a picture-perfect smorgasbord of everything that should never be put together. And now I don’t even bother hiding it anymore. I’ve given up trying to counter it. I’ve given up. I’ll always be cynical, and I’m screwed in the head and all fucked-up. Life feels like a constantly looming death sentence, and I want to be my own executioner. Nothing changes. Everything stays the same.

And if things went the way they were supposed to be, and I acted properly, did things right, played by the rules for once, and lived a normal, happy, fulfilling day, and the ultimate end of it all is feeling exactly the same as when I do the exact opposite, feeling that same crappy screw-all depression running through my failing system and ruining everything for me, then fuck it, what’s the point of even trying?

Why should I bother looking for something that isn’t even there?

~*~

I built these walls to keep the outside world from me
And I’ll fight to stay in the hell of my own mind
It’s safer on the inside, underneath where
You can’t ever get to me…

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shattered

you didn’t

have to be

there to pick

up the pieces

of this mess

you didn’t

have to cut

your unstained

fingers on the

lethal shards

you didn’t

have to be

the witness to

my unmitigated

self-wreckage

you didn’t

have to do

a damn thing,

you didn’t

really have to…

but fuck, you

did it anyways

i’m glad…i’m glad.

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aftershocks

last night

was just a

total fucking

trainwreck

and tonight

is just the

collateral

damage.

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Truancy

i’m relapsing

back to the old habits

that got me rife,

kicked out and

expelled gracelessly

out of a good life.

old habits die

hard, but i’ll die

even fucking harder

so please push the

air out of my lungs

and fill it with water.

it’s truancy and blades

and blood-red ink,

it’s guilt over music

screaming internally

so i won’t have to think.

it’s brooding in bookshelves

scribbling on paper

and drowning in books,

falling out of reality and

hiding under the tables like

a broken broke crook.

it’s beating and seething

and semantically cheating

in the classless class,

it’s skipping on responsibility

and regretting, and my

conscience now tastes crass.

i attempt to assure, and

i say it’ll be fine, it’s only

for half of a wasted day,

screw it, i’ll be fucking okay

even though i know i

won’t be anyhow anyway.

i’m relapsing, i’m collapsing

i’m the suspect confessing

my criminal records curt,

so don’t try to pull me out

of the wreckage, you know

in the debris, you’ll just get hurt.

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Doses of Quintessence: Verseuchen

~*~

WELTSCHMERZ

There’s a constricting tug-of-war within my heart

Arteries painfully pulling veins against my blood

Desperate to gain the upper hand for my emotions

But both end up losing, falling, and covered in mud.

~*~

SCHADENFREUDE

That’s a goddamn stripclub travesty

Dear, not my suicide bedroom scene

So don’t break in a fucked soliloquy

That’ll break this automatic machine.

~*~

SEHNSUCHT

Nothing but demarcation on magnanimous affairs

The indisposition scurrilous of a conniption share

If I commiserate my pretense for synaptic humans

Will they hold my head under to inject tryptophan?

~*~

MUTTERSEELENALLEIN

I repudiated my own self-blames

I’ll shut the closet, elucidate this game

If I emancipate my bastard whim

Shall it be considered a cavalcade sin?

~*~

ANSTÜRMEN

Calamity, that’s my designated appellation’s lacklustre

I’m a raging typhoon tantrum, an unmitigated disaster

I wreck lives, dishevel memories, or command discord

So stay away from me, I can ruin you with mere words.

~*~

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Heaven’s Host of Holy Harlots (or; Her)

Now I do recall, we were just getting to the part
Where the shock sets in and the stomach acid
Finds a new way to make you get sick
I hope you didn’t expect to get all of the attention
Let’s not get selfish, did you really think
I’d let you kill this chorus?
Let’s get these teen hearts beating faster, faster…

~*~

.

€1€  $L$U$C$Y$  £$£H£O£W£B£I£Z£

.

Testosterone and pheromone clashing on purple stars and narcotic sweet talk

You don’t have the money to pay for me honey, so empty your whiskey and walk

Paint me a picture of lascivious lackeys and jejune Johns glued up on the ceiling

It’s a risky risqué, a flaccid falsification, don’t you wanna genuinely force feelings?

.

The audience applauded your strip club scene lauding until you caught the clap

Your bedroom bulbs burning your bare back, the director yells cut! It’s a wrap

Decadent sweat and flimsy nightdress, a godmother touch of ghetto beatnik

But don’t let the acids shock your head, cameraman, attention to the chick flick!

.

Rusty bobby pins that stab my dollface like she’s a patchwork quilt, a girl voodoo

Addicted to anorexic magazines, counting every stretch mark on her waistline

Your latest triple-X films didn’t do so well on the silver screen, adultery’s no clue

No one loves you anymore, you’re just another passé blasé belladonna landmine…

.

~*~

.

¿2¿  ¿H¿O¿L¿L¿Y¿  ¿C¿E¿L¿E¿B¿R¿A¿T¿I¿O¿N¿

.

You downed your roofies, curled the pills against your tongue, and woke up

With a broken nose, and swimming in blood and vomit in the bathroom tiles

Replay the night where you infiltrated and massacred the innocence enough

A sledgehammer kills your brain and limbs splayed on the counter to defile

.

Ideology and irresponsibility, edification of evanescence you coldly brandished

Through clenched teeth you feed and consume, suck the bones of the sun dry

Ate the Big Apple through the core, and yet you’re still starving and famished

Safe scepticism and sober sessions, but darling you won’t get better if you try

.

Bulimic bullying coating the lining of your stomach, sinking like wrought anvil

Don’t wanna look like a lookalike, so you crawled in your bed and spindled Advil

Hollow helium and hearts splattered on the wall, as this boiling passion simmers

I’m left with horseshoes blasting hand grenades, you sauntered away to canter…

.

~*~

.

{3}  {M}{A}{R}{Y}{A}{N}{N}{E}  {C}{O}{M}{P}{A}{S}{S}{I}{O}{N}

.

Too young to be cynical, too old to whine, dramatic design of sedentary sophism

I’ll attend your recital and pray on budget guilt, quavering on false catechism

Gospel eyes focusing nauseous as I’m making out with the cusp of the booze

Until I’m sulking and subdued and shit-faced and I got fucking nothing to lose

.

My ten dollar words are too costly, my immortalised chronicle barely illegible

You’ve got the propensity my dear, be my choreographed sculpture eligible

Gisella won’t sing about the beautiful forest when both her parents are dead

Sauté arabesque, my mermaid ballerina, dance the charade under my bed

.

Contemplate going on a date with your executioner to get out of arraignment

A coldness to infect hypothermia and escape, burn the flag to ride full extent

I’ll wait for you and rendezvous, guzzle motorcycle serotonin on the gas station

You’re my getaway and my regime, without you I’m just another human violation…

.

~*~

.

•4•  •R•A•C•H•E•L•  •D•O•M•I•N•A•N•C•E•

.

My maiden of lilac blossom and fragile plexiglas plays dirty, go past the curfew

Your ceramic bones and silicone nerves aren’t making it fucking obvious for you

Kiss my gnarled knuckles hard until it bruises and let the blood be your lipstick

I’m a repeat offender you keep going back to, the stalker burning out your wick

.

Rub the wet sand in my dry eyes, sever your umbilical cord off my bluest neck

So put your revolver down for me Annie, this fantasia wonderland ain’t got feck

All the oxygen in my lungs rushed out in a cyclone breath, my blood evacuation

My teeth are tingling at the sight of your old smile, you’re giving me palpitations

.

Luciferin in your neon glow lights, a femme fatale and a courtyard miscreant

You’re a dangerous incentive, infamous explicit actor, and that’s what you want

Your illegal wink can cause insanity, your sun freckled dirt nose abating injury

They won’t sojourn the court and bend your lithium cell against a case of perjury…

.

~*~

.

|5|  |H|E|R|  |S|C|A|N|D|A|L|

.

My darling virgin porn star stubbed her crushed heart by the bedpost late last midnight

Those ruby stripper heels and fuck-me eyes whispered a freak beneath the bedsheets

Aphrodisiac of varnish and musty paint, we don’t need a school bell to start up the fight

Getting intimate with perfect strangers, selling sex and slipping on stagnant love for free

.

You came and took me out of your floral mouth like I’m just a repulsive decaying tonsil

But my love, I missed the way you called me persecutory names under the windowsill

Start with after-hours in bars, end up screwing up in cars, I’m your backseat confidential

One foot slammed on the brake as we careen out of control, don’t die, you’re too special

.

I can taste the prevarications on my neck, leaving saliva and bile dripping down my warm nape

It’s too fucking late to return past all our selfishness, it’s more than your shaking body can take

My darling virgin porn star, you’re just a funeral wreck, and your life’s a hellbound shitty wake

If you strained yourself and stained your velvet coffin, will you laugh with me until your soul breaks?

.

~*~

I got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better fuck
Than any boy you’ll ever meet, sweetie you had me
Girl I was it, look past the sweat, a better love deserving
Of exchanging body heat in the passenger seat
No, no, no, you know it will always just be me
Let’s get these teen hearts beating faster, faster
So testosterone boys and harlequin girls
Will you dance to this beat and hold a lover close?

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Conversing With A Mirror

…I can hear the children talking , screaming you’re a wreck 

If you think you’re so convincing, where’s your self-respect?

 ~*~

Hello, my old friend 

It’s been a while since we last met 

I know that may have shattered you into a million pieces

But I’m sorry for that, that won’t happen again, I promise

.

I forgive you. So how is your life? 

Still overflowing with endless torture and strife? 

How are your friends? How is your family? 

Are they still stabbing your back? Treating you as an enemy? 

.

Oh yes, absolutely, they haven’t changed a bit 

They still trod over me and make me feel like shit 

Um, that promise I made? Yeah, you can tell 

I still haven’t fought back, and surprise! They still give me hell 

.

I see you still have those scars, and some new ones too 

And your eyes are still bloodshot and lifeless

Your hair looks like it hasn’t touched a brush, it’s a mess 

Or is your life even messier than that, true? 

.

I know, I know, I look like a big train wreck 

What can I do? It’s even worse than before 

My mind’s in shambles, I’m a walking accident 

If I can’t rearrange myself, d’you think to my life I could do so much more? 

.

Ah, I meant no offence at all, so sorry 

Maybe I started out a little too heavy 

Sorry once again, but pray tell go on with your story 

Perhaps maybe you’ve got good news to tell me? 

.

Well…I’d be lying to you if I try to be positive 

Just look at me, talking to you, barely trying to exist 

Well, good news, I stopped eating colorful pills for breakfast 

But I replaced it with bullets instead; the taste of death lasts 

.

That’s barely good news, but I really couldn’t blame you 

I know what you feel, I know what you’re going through 

I know I’ve said this a million times, but you won’t listen 

Please try to survive, please live, don’t get dragged down by them

.

God, are you seriously listening to yourself right now? 

You’ve said the same fucking thing over when we last talked! 

Have I changed? Have I gone for the better? Hell no! 

Stop preaching to me, you hypocrite, you know that ain’t how I walk! 

.

Calm down, please, I’m not the villain here 

Stop banging your fists against the glass, you’ll only hurt yourself 

I’m your only ally, you and me against the world, remember? 

If you refuse my gospel, then who are you gonna cry for help? 

.

Sorry, no, I didn’t mean to be so angry 

It’s just that…just that no one cares anymore about me 

Sure you’re the only one, and you couldn’t even dry my tears 

I’m turning schizophrenic, it’s just as I feared 

.

There you go again, stop planting doubt in your mind 

I’m as real as imagination can get, as you could easily find 

Let the idiots think whatever, let them spread their slanderous lies 

Just as long as you know it isn’t true, because humans do little otherwise 

.

Ah, I think I hear my mother screaming from downstairs 

Yelling something about my blood on the wall, or some mistake I made

I’d hate to leave you now and cut this off shortly 

But I still have to return to my own wonderfully shitty reality 

.

Oh shame you have to go, well, goodbye then 

It was so nice to have a proper chat once again 

But please, one last thing, for me, for you, just try your best to live 

Because I tell you, dear girl, the other side of the mirror ain’t as good as you think.

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