Tag Archives: wrong

Burying Nevus

It was a few steps forward, twice removed, seconds away from pulmonary distress. The rough patches of ocher blisters felt like frozen ice lodged in his windpipe, a cowardly conviction that he wouldn’t dare speak. His fault. His mistake. His responsibility. Him, a filthy traitor. The constricting bracelets felt like bleeding handcuffs, prosecuting him for his blithe misunderstanding. This was never my intention, yet why am I riddled with disorienting guilt? One voice asked in attrition. It’s not you to blame if you didn’t know. Awareness is key. Another reasoned out calmly. Ignorance is the enemy of reason. A third entity argued in hostility. Every choice made sense, thus, he told them all to shut up so he could think. He bit down on his raw cheek until bile flooded his throat and metastasised as an abrasive lump. The bloodied bruise tasted like a salty alibi in his mouth. He submerged his soberness in liquid regret until it drowned, and sunk in inebriation. After he could think no longer, he made his final decision. He carried through. He knew it was unfathomably wrong, fatally so. But it was warranted.

It was just another scar tissue he had to permanently hide.

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assumptive apologies thrown out at the walkway

Isn’t it obvious I’m a wreck
I set these fires just for you
Isn’t it obvious I’ve calmed down
I saved my breakdowns just for you…

~*~

i’m sorry that

i was never there.

that i was just

one trivial moment

in all of life’s

sordid complexities,

the benzedrine

you impulsively take

at three in the morning,

effects shooting up

your severed veins

but always subsiding.

i just wish i didn’t

have to feel like

a counterfeit dollar,

washed up and torn apart

because i look far

too factitious to be

of any use for anyone;

or that final cigarette

you take under the midnight

streetlamps to experience

thrill one last time

before you stop forever.

my conscience feels

strangely disembodied.

i don’t know if

this guilt is justified

or simply being irrational

i don’t know if my

attachment is paramount

or just another necessity

like sleep, or food,

that you can easily replace

i don’t know if i’m

overused, or misunderstood

or i’m simply being

a complete presumptuous,

one-sided, narcissistic

fool about all of this…

i don’t know my function.

i’m confused by your confusion,

and i’m sorry if i’m wrong

but i’ll be even more

sorry if i turn out to be

right.

~*~

I want what I need, I need what I want
And I’m not what you wanted
I felt you slowly slip away, those cemetery eyes
These seven deadly sins, these forty days of night
Have severed all our ties…

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Broken Record

It called me, I shoulda known
As the fever sweat through the dream
Told mamma that I couldn’t go
So I could stay home just to watch him dancing
And you could not tell me then
Like you could never ever tell me now
That this is not who I am…

~*~

I lost my way when I told everyone I’m keeping my resolve

I changed directions but hit the brakes when I started to swerve

Blood on the carpet, cracked car window and I don’t regret it

Perhaps it’s just too late, and call me cliché but I just might make it

.

The fever haunts my sleep like a ghost, it keeps me up at night

I’m sweating tears, way past the years of choosing wrong or right

But the final decision won’t be under your static voice’s call

It’s collapsing in weekends and dead ends, need some damage control

.

Reluctance only absolves the manifested consequences it amasses

A separation in the direct degree, as the unread side effects harasses

Querulous impostors screaming diplomatic shrill notes of protests

Drenched to the sin with self-repugnance, scandalising second guesses

.

Those platinum eyes reflect the man submerged in visceral frequency

Staggering the nightmares rushing in my veins, taunting habitual tendency

Show me the alternative to bloodletting and crumpled prescription pills

Embarking to the mistress of a bottle just so time would stand still

.

The blackout makes it easier, ’cause that way I don’t have to look at myself

When the déjà vu is drowning me under familiar sandpits of its miserable help

The taste of being sober, the bitten tongue and the scent of absinthe forsaken

Until I’m too sick and second to none, falling out over and over and over again…

~*~

Showed me that carrot on a string
But just a little too late
The bite from the taste and the smell
Of the sick somehow reminds me to be myself
Over and over again…

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Damned If I Do

And you’re the galantine
Cold and alone, it suits you well
Won’t find me perching here again
May your feet serve you well
And the rest be sent to Hell…

~*~

Curdled hearts

Taste like bitter blood

And faith in abandonment

Of a fantasia god

Celebrating cemeteries

Clutching wooden rosaries

Rose petals falling

Pews nearly splintering

Hymns of an invisible choir

A communion for liars

Cross the sacred threshold

Waters holy and gold

Under smoky haze of incense

Possessed of clear sense

The clergies light the fires

Ancient bells ring deep and dire

As impostors and martyrs

Write denials of vows

Announce the wedding march

The torment begins now

Damned if I don’t, damned if I do

Stained-glass cathedral virtue

Touch the ash on my skin

Atoning for my vices and sins

As the sermon thus decrees

All brought to their knees

Tight knots tied around our necks

Whisper amen to this wreck

Save me now, say that I’m wrong

That this is unforgivable desecration

Reviled under a lethal hilt

Speak now or forever hold guilt

Rings are buried, audience applauds

This matrimonial anarchy

Desperate for serpentine flood

Adam’s final attempt to flee

Preachers hiding the sacristans

Under glimpses of pure veil and rectories

To the altar I shall drag you away

For a fractured devil’s kiss.

~*~

Cold hearts brew colder songs
Fate will play us out
With a song of pure romance
Stomp your feet and clap your hands…

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letters to s.d.: final fragment #8 {postscript}

Sent: June 28, 2017
Received: August 19, 2017

.

[REDACTED]c, p[REDACTED]re fucking for[REDACTED]le m[REDACTED]e.

.

i failed you.

i thought i could win

but i just let override me

i let it bite my skin

i let it numb and desensitise me

i can’t look you in the eye

as you tell me i’m at my best

but i look at your scars

and it feels like a stab in the chest

if you can, then i can too

but fuck, guess we’re both wrong

despite all my attempts

despite all your painless songs

save the time, as i’m falling

so goddamn stop me

but you can’t help anymore

it’s not like the way it used to be

this was…all for you

all for you alone, all this time

and aren’t i so selfless

to pay you with my crimes?

i remember that you always say

“darlin’, you’ll okay”

and i want so badly to believe

but i have a short breaking point

and this is all i can give

the choice is mine for the taking

what’s another funeral wake?

i’ve gone in far too deep in

and  i’m left with vanished stars

so i can only pick the best

and if i die, i can finally awaken

i’m a coward, i know

but you don’t have to be

struck with contrition for a

guileless naïve stranger

hell, i’m never strong enough

to overpower my own foolish self

that much, at least, is true

no, i’m just not fucking strong enough

f     o     r        y     o     u.

i’m so sorry, s.d.

.

but before i say goodbye permanently, i would like to confess that you’r[CONTENT MISSING]

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fallacy

i have been

looking the

wrong way

my eyes are

spinning as

my legs fray

i have been

searching a

wrong place

if i was just

infallible, it

would be a

m.i.s.t.a.k.e.

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Rücksicht

you never act like a

decent human being

i did not know what

i should even expect

but i thought wrongly

that someone as sensible

as you will have the grace

to show a little respect.

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I’ll Play to Win, You’ll Pay to Lose

I’ll be the winner, I can take this shallow game by force

The consequences can wait later, let things run their course

The curses I hid at the very back my tongue are threatening to spill

And I’ve got a camera to shoot and a scandal set up for the thrill

It’s contagious and dangerous, but don’t be such a coward

If you keep up the act and smile behind the pain, you’ll get a reward

I swear I need some room to breathe, so stay the hell away

I’m playing dirty, so sob and sue me, it’s a lawsuit for another day

The flavour of the day is anguish with a side of fake issues

In cigarettes smouldering on the ashtray and numbers written on tissues

Forget all common sense, it’s what I need, let’s make this happen

And if I told you another secret for the moment, would you start to listen?

Dearest enemy, I give you my trust and all the blame there is to gain

I’ll check you off my list, I’m done with you, don’t try to explain

Desperate hearts resort to desperate measures, so pick your card and bluff

I’ll be the jack in the deck and cheat with a smile and handcuffs

This should be enough, but you always wanted a little more

Don’t wipe away the dry clean slate when I’m trying to keep score

Hold me down and keep me around, I’ll entertain your sick satisfaction

And when I take my break and pause, I’ll slip you the poison

You’re young and deluded, and every breath is a knife in your chest

Trophy eyes that shine and rust, you think life will simply give you the rest

Hang on to my every words and give me away to the waiting crowd

Have you had your fill? Don’t make me a big thing and say those things aloud

Pose as you hold me closer, guarantee me utmost confidentiality

This one-night stand is controlling, I’m disclosing faith and losing my identity

I’m declaring war and flashing you my dorsal fins and sharp bite tooth

But I’m telling you that it’s the truth, it’s the truth, it’s the truth

You say it was an accident, and I believe you and your best friend

But just go back home and contemplate, this is the beginning of our end

I’m going down but I’m not out for the count, I’m here to please

I know things you don’t know, does that hurt to even question these?

I know you won’t be able to change face to face, so don’t fix what ain’t broken

You’re so wrong when you say I’m right with the words I’ve spoken

I’ll let you have a taste of me but take caution, I’m the thorn in your throat

Is it that hard to swallow? Drink your wine if you don’t wanna choke

Clean up the mess you made, line them up, line them up, and knock them down

These rules were made so you can ignore them and flash your golden crown

Hate loves company but three makes for a crowd, I bet we won’t make it

So don’t advise me about high places, I’ll just about fall for any one of your shit

You’re so selfish, so save your scarlet kisses for the ones in need

The boys are here to take their share, feed, and indulge in their cruel greed

Don’t remind me of the septic way you make amends for yourself

I’ll accept you and your misery, but damn, it’s just fucking bad for my health

Watch your mouth, don’t spit it out, I’ll tighten the gag between your lips

It’s a storm of jealousy, let’s just take the middleman out and skip

We’re running out of time, our lying bodies keep saying we’re just fine

But the crumpled letters on my bedside say I’m paying for another cold crime

I keep my enemies close, but you’re so special, I’ll keep you even closer

I’m on my own and I need you more than ever, but I’ll walk ahead and say never

If this is what it takes to fix another detonated wasteland falling apart

Then beat me, we don’t give and take, we steal and never know how to restart

You go too far, push out the walls, we’ll never heal if we keep reopening the cuts

I’m screaming my apologies to the sky, but your crying eyes stay shut

It’s much safer if there’s a line to be crossed, and it’s much safer if you stay gone

The pages are ripped out of the book again, and the story goes on and on

I didn’t want to find out like this, things could have been much better if I stay

But you knock me down and hang me out, and you’re forcing me to do things your way

I will be the winner, I’ll murder my pride and reputation just to have a bit of fun

And when I emerge triumphant and you’re crawling on the ground, we’ll see who’ll be the better man.

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Kiss and Tell

A hundred boys and girls

On my fucking list

From the start of A to zed

I’ll tell before I kiss

Every visage a motivation

Blue eyes don’t lie

So judge me for doing shit

I take so I don’t die

I’m proud of these people

Ain’t nothing wrong

And I’ll just block you out

With calming songs

A hundred girls and boys

I adore and respect

But I’m the whore, right?

Fucking deal with it.

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write wrong

we’re lunatics

trying to make

sense out of a

world that does

not offer us any,

so the answer

is yes—of course

we writers are

absolutely crazy.

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Filed under Poetry