Monthly Archives: February 2019

March Miracles

This March, I wish for miracles

For muted sunsets with more meaning

For smudged sunscreen and summer sweetness

For neon melodies and sparklers exploding

.

In a myriad riot of excited celebrations

From late night kisses and senseless stars

And another birthday without a haze of blues

Feeling the warmth of home from afar

.

When I no longer chase for sprained daydreams

Because you were right there all along

To be my cause, my cure, my counterpart

To be my reason to write better songs

.

So I’ll rest in idyllic afternoons of yellow

Under the shade of softly-swaying palm trees

Wind rustling my hair, smile in my teeth

As all of my worries momentarily cease

.

For every catastrophe, for every cosmic lie

For every sugarcoated scheme, sweeter than a sigh

For every clever credence, for every convalescence

For every severed space where nothing else makes sense

.

This March, I wish for miracles

For messes and madness with more meaning

This March, I wish, I hope, I miss, I will go

Follow everything I love and know, and maybe I’ll keep my soul singing.

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who falls in love with a poet?

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Silvern

It’s alright if I’m all alone, because listening to your heart softly embraces me in pastel lullabies;

While I’ll be here, waiting for cold cosmos to lead wandering footsteps back home…is it home?

Or is it just another half-faded daydream, and I will never truly be able to sink into your ribs?

The universe is ours, my melancholy darling. Yours and mine. Don’t blink your ocean eyes and forget.

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if i’m being honest

you make my heart leap in fathoms;

dazed with love and imperfections, i’m

utterly smitten by you

.

you’re my slip of the tongue,

my careless laugh out of nowhere,

the pursuit of scarlet lipstick and radical change;

you make me hope for impossibilities and singularity

.

wishing there’s a dream where i appear—do i

wake you up in butterfly palpitations

the same way you leave me unready, completely

unsteady in the dead of the

wandering night?

.

(it’s a fickle thought that keeps me going

despite all my misfortunes and the

arrogant reality of our transatlantic million miles away)

.

i’ve found another “one”

but i don’t want to count higher, this time.

.

my ribs ache for your missing

puzzle piece, the final fractal of fire that

will keep me warm against apophenic shadows and

keeps me breathing on for infinities…

.

you make my heart leap in fathoms;

dazed with love and reckless notions, i’m

utterly smitten by you.

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Baby Overdose;

One too many opened blister packets.

Chalky blue tablets swallowed down; bitter, choking, dry,

Words bleed out of my brain and morph into seven-headed visions, and

My heavy tongue feels like grating metal and frigid sandpaper as

I carefully utter the slurred words that would reach no one—

I hope you’re fucking better now.

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i.)

there’s chemicals

on your lips, a toxic

shade of purple—

blood and oxytocin

acrid aftertastes

burning a hole in

my tongue, but i

still thusly refuse to

d-i-s-c-o-n-n-e-c-t

ii.)

claws unsheathed

fingernails dragged

down shivering flesh;

you starve me far too

much dear, and yet i

still crave for so little…

iii.)

you’re the enticing mystery

i desperately deign to solve

and when i finally do, i’ll keep

all the answers for myself

iv.)

¡ scream louder now

rupture my lungs

and send my head

reeling, from migraines

and ringing ears and

the bitterest irony of

my fucking addictions

(sing louder now) !

v.)

you are pure perfection

with dimpled mistakes

myriad colours festering,

of butterflies and cosmos,

limerence and transience,

infatuation and repression…

you’re so goddamn beautiful.

vi.)

[if only i knew

that i’ll never be

your pale luna,]

[only a forgotten

freckle in no one’s

lavender skyline]

vii.)

dear lost lover,

if only i knew

b e t t e r.

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Mailap (Elusive)

Filipino:

Nagpipilit, gumigiit

Ang huwad na karamdaman

Lasa ng iyong mga ngiti

Hindi maiwasan, nakasanayan

Saluhin, kantiin

Nalulunod sa pag-ulan

Parinig, pakinggan

Ang kantang ‘di mapigilan

Nasaktan nanaman

Kaluluwang hindi matagpuan

At sino nga ba naman ako

Para sa iyo ay magpabisto?

.

Pumpilit, humihirit

Nasisiraan na ng bait

Mga bulaklak na tinahak

Tamis na napariwara ulit

Ang kasiyahang mapusyaw

Ng iyong sinag ng araw

Mapagpanggap na kapalaran

Ako kaya’y iyong mapagbigyan

Sa reklamo ng aking sining?

Sa makasariling hiling sa bituin?

Para ang kanyang kamay ay aking masagip

Sa sariling sakim na panaginip?

~*~

English Translation:

Forcing and scolding

All these false emotions

The taste of your smiles

I can’t help but get used to

Catching and hurting

Drowned out by the rain

To hear and to listen

To the song that never ceases

Hurt, yet again

A soul that cannot be found

And really, who am I

To let myself be known by you?

.

Forcing and hinting

Slowly going insane

For the flowers I have sent

Sweetness, lost once again

A jubilance most vibrant

From the rays of your sun

A fate most deceitful

Can I be given a chance

For the protests of my art?

For these selfish wishes on a star?

So that their hands, I could save

From my own avaricious dreams?

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Protected: Happy Valentine’s Day, here’s something to completely ruin the rest of your February oof

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31 – thirty-one.

so. i somehow made it through january. big surprise.

i’ve never really been one for counting off days, but times like these, i couldn’t help it. after all the bullshit i’ve put my head through, it comes so naturally by now that it’s basically instinctual. and life to me is like a giant neon billboard sign falling straight on my head that proclaims “welcome to adulthood, loser. prepare to die soon and be thankful for it.”

anyway, the weather’s finely cold today. football practice was strangely interesting and motivating, and this one other coach (who wasn’t really my coach but was just there practicing) struck up a conversation with me for some reason. it was mostly him asking me about trivial things before completely launching into a discussion about his 33-year journey into said sport, and the man was so passionate about it, bless his soul. i also found the place to get my science 10 papers (fuckin’ finally) and bought a trench-coloured (*cries in josh dun*) dartboard for some “this-is-gonna-make-my-dorm-room-look-aesthetic-asf” reason. so, this day has been an okay day…i think. i don’t have many of those so fast and often, so it’s quite nice to end the month on this relatively lighter note, at least.

looking back on it, i can barely believe that only the first month has passed so far—a lot has happened since and it already feels like such a long year for me. i honestly don’t even know why i signed up for this, because going through college is basically like trying to wade past thick molasses. it doesn’t make any sense, takes up a hell of a long time, i’m most likely gonna get all messed up, and was it worth the damn trouble in the end? nope. not at all. not even a little.

truth be told, i’m just doing this so that my family could ultimately have a lame degree and a graduation photo to proudly plaster on the wall, which would claim me as not totally a complete waste of money and effort and oxygen. but besides that, i’ve already long accepted my fate of becoming a future college dropout way before i even entered said phase of my life, and so far i’m still waiting out on it, knowing my tendency to fuck things up badly. any second now…

i just also realised that at least 97% of the things i’ve written (well, the ones on this personal daily series that i’m about to burn out on—whatever the hell this is, anyway) and posted are basically just about my sad, moping, miserable existence, which i didn’t even realise but i’m not all too entirely surprised about. i mean, that’s just my usual content anyway. but man, this year is pretty much peak bleakness for me. stick around and tune in next time to see just how worse this sad dumbarse could get before they finally give up, promptly walk out into oncoming traffic, and throw themselves under a giant red bus heading to calamba!!! *joyful game show music plays*

well. here’s to you, january 2019, you problematic old bastard. may i never go through you or ever see you again for as long (or as short?) as i live. it’s also currently 3:02 a.m. as i write this and i have an 8 a.m. class, and several more that takes up literally my entire afternoon, without any pauses or intervals in between. my, my, aren’t i off to a great start.

february, here we go.

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30 – alma mater

this day is turning into ten years

and as i mill around from class to class,

all i ever excel at is the art of invisibility

and how to walk out of my own body

carrying a weight around, everywhere i go

and nodding until my head feels like

it’s no longer mine to move at will

but i endure, and keep my gaze down,

and stay out of trouble; out of sight,

out of mind, out of time—and wasting

away for four more dreadful years,

until ten years turn into a day.

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