RE: anxiety’s a bitch but I don’t want to be whinging too much about it because it could be so much worse off, so here’s a dumb thing I did instead

The current state of the world getting worse and worse with every passing minute + some personal comedowns and lingering paranoid afterthoughts + just the usual unreasonable brain dysfunction fuckery have really got my anxiety spiking up to unbearable extents lately, so here are some random practice gouache animals I painted last night in an attempt to zone out of reality and keep myself distracted for a couple hours.

Well I mean, they’re supposed to be animals but I don’t really know how to properly draw any sort of creature outside of Pokémon species and Animal Crossing villagers, so they’re more really closer to vague, blobby, bastardised approximations of what may or may not be IRL animals or just completely made-up ones at this point, soz who knows. I obviously couldn’t be arsed halfway through making some of these and that’s why they look like they crave the sweetest release of death but oh well :^) 20 internet points if y’all could tell which ones those were (surprise!! t’was actually all of them!! jk but not really). I think the bee looks the best though, I did love making those fuzzy textures and translucent wings and ah heck maybe I just like bees a lot anyhow, bzz bzz. Also, slightly off-topic but my poor sketchbook is falling apart so much that it’s basically only held together by crude bits of washi tape at this point and I only have less than ten pages before I finally fill it all up and wow I reeeeaaally need to purchase a new one at the earliest possible convenience. Hopefully a better quality one that won’t buckle too much if at all under my constant art supply abuse???

Anyway, I digress. I’ve also found that listening to instrumental piano music greatly helps to calm me down—as much as I do adore electric guitars beating me up with crunchy distorted djent riffs, extreme nonstop drum snares and blast beats, and spaghetti bass strings tuned lower than hell itself whilst the vocalist with a voice of fifty tortured lovecraftian monsters shrieking in unison beckons me on to get the fuck up and disrespect my surroundings, bless that heavenly beautiful-sounding instrument as well—and I listened to the 0124 album by Hiroko Murakami while making these (along with some soul-cleansing classical pieces by Debussy and Ravel, can’t go wrong with those ofc). And if all else fails, I pretty much just make a nice fresh mug of lemon green tea and nick some biscuits off the grocery bags and then afterwards proceed to curl up and bury my face in my sleeping cat’s soft warm tummy for a couple minutes and quietly yell about uninteresting trivialities until I either start to feel better or simply pass out from severe exhaustion. As a matter of fact, I think that may hit the spot, so ta and goodbye for now :>

caffè e latte

there’s a galaxy

in my coffee

and it’s making it

taste funny

maybe if i stir a

bit and cool it down

then it will taste

more sugary

.

there’s a galaxy

in my coffee

i take mine rather

black, usually

but i might just

go on ahead and

give it a chance to see

if i like it milky.

Expulsion, Repulsion

I bow before the

Ivory cistern

It is my deity

It shall accept my

Grotesque offering

Lights dimmed

And the ritual

Thus begins

Slowly, hands poised

Carefully, mouth

Gaping wide open

Trickling waterfall to

Hide all the

inhuman prayers

Passing through my

Throat, along with

Whatever else

One try, two tries, three

Rigid flesh heaving

Body shaking

Knees buckling

Trying to keep myself

Together enough

To tear myself apart

Undecipherable chunks

Fluids falling

A constant stream of

Involuntary tears

But—begat me

It’s too little, too little

For too much

Poor performance

Unsatisfactory

Pathetic—

Yet why, oh why does

Everything just

Fucking hurt all the

Very same?

Losing track of life

Almost half an hour has

Since passed

And my lungs could

Take no more

Begging for some repose

But it needs more

More more more more

So little so less

So full of shit

So full of me

It wasn’t enough but

Maybe it has

To suffice for now

Please, I hope

Slow down

Troubled breaths

Catching up

Though not quite the

First attempt

It never does get

Easy with every usual try

Metallic water drips

To wash away

The transgression

The evidence

The guilt

Leaving me with

A happy daze and

Messy shirts

And stomachaches

To last for days

But that’s okay

The ivory god is forgiving

And welcoming as

It is cold, and

I’ll always be fighting

Against temptation

And failing

And slipping

And cracking under

Pressure, and

When I’ll do

Rest assured I’ll

Be atoning

Pleading within this

Porcelain temple

Waiting for

Another unholy dying

Making amends

Saving my shrinking spine

And trying to be fine

Until the next time.

selling out

“hell to pay”

is a threat

to you, but it’s

not for me

.

it’s just

another debt

to take, another

lesson to keep.

Cardiomyopathy

you maniac heart, you

catatonia

throbbing enamel and

philophobia

bleeding uranium, you

arrogant soul

you destitute malady

skinless goal

now lie in hospice, you

anosognosia

autonomy wanting and

open hematoma

.

you maniac heart, you

cryptophasia

nerve damage done and

agliophilia

transmitting a fever, you

capricious role

you diabolic attraction

apoplectic hole

now die in humours, you

necromancer

cryptic temperament and

heuristic answer

Sunstroke

There is no proper distracting from this arid weather

The senseless numb uncomfortably prickling against itchy skin

Rendering all feelings invaluable, and dull, moth wings without shine

All powder and allergic reactions, a vivid death head out of sight

.

There is no distracting, just constant tossing and turning

Just blackened eyes glazing over and peeling plaster casts

And tossed bedsheets matted with cat fur and old sweat stains

From the impenetrable lassitude of a vengeful heat that’s all bite.

Rise and shine, sleepyhead

Good morning, sunshine.

You are a slow sip of icy coffee on a sweltering summer day, sweet and bitter and decadent and satisfying all at the same time. The yawning sun is barely peeking out of the horizon, still playful and forgiving; bathing you in childish glows and warm reverie. Life is nothing more than a bite of honey-dipped pastry and freshly-made ham and cheese sandwich, a shared table with an aged stranger, a silly dream full of friendship and fast times and flirtation—life is nothing more than fleeting polaroid snapshots of blurry smiles and quiet contemplation. Now melt the ice between your teeth, let the chill run down your lungs, and let the wandering words on your pen speak for themselves.

It is only morning, after all, and the universe is still quite hazy. Breathe it in. Make it last.

Actus Reus

There’s snakes among us
That I never bothered to find
Starry eyed and tongue tied
Blurting out and rambling
On and on and on, just hit repeat
On and on and on, one more time…

~*~

You’re the nervous jury awaiting

And their guiltiest defender

Sucking on another infected scar

For an extra opinion to infer

.

So hang your pity party in a closet

Because nobody ever wants to see it

So let all of your hateful hang-ups rest

Because literally no one gives a shit

.

Let your empathy be sharpened

When your arguments are far too dull

Victimise your own worst assets

So nod your head and crack your skull

.

And bully us into carrying your bullying

How the fuck do you think you’re so scot-free?

Kiss ass to your baby, obvious pretending

How the fuck do you think anyone’s gonna believe?

.

Because you’re both the jury and the defender

And we’re just the prisoners lining up on your death row

Blame us for bullshit with damning evidence on your shoulders

And we can’t save ourselves, ’cause isn’t that just how your justice goes?

~*~

Once again, I’ve burned
And borrowed one and two
Turned black and blue
Poisoned before but found the cure
And been exhausted again…

echolocation

i found a blister

on the underside of

my tongue, just

trying to talk to you

today—it’s better

left alone but sometimes

my teeth click against

it and it emits a little

hissing echo, like a

cloud of incensed bats

flying out of their damp cave

to finally face the sun

and burn their flesh

dwellings and night vision

impaired for another

sleight of sudden death

i wonder if this blister

will ever heal, even after all

the times i rubbed it raw

and when it does, and

when daylight no longer stings—

what else will be left

in me to h u r t ?

Some More Bits and Bobs of Blithering About

Hullo hullo, haven’t been here on a while. Just checking in for a bit. It’s not that I haven’t been writing or anything (although I admittedly haven’t been writing as much), it’s just that I’ve honestly gotten a bit too lazy to take on the general upkeep of this blog—as well as being quite busy with getting into a few self-indulgent and overly-ambitious projects, relentless video game marathons (Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap, Earthbound, and Animal Crossing, I’m looking at y’all), other asinine social platforms, and even some occasional babysitting and food-making side quests (just yesterday I got begrudgingly roped into making some pastillas by my younger sister -.-) whenever my family do so fancies.

this is why she’s one of my favourite villagers nsjsksk

But hey, let’s talk a bit shop for now while I’m at it anyway, starting with boring art stuff. Apart from the usual ugly sketches and random fanart, there’s this one watercolour painting I’m currently working that’s on a 9×12 paper (which is staggering for me, as I’ve previously only ever worked on paintings a quarter of that size and it’s intimidating as hell) and is fully illustrated and fully coloured; five characters, two animals, and an entire-ass detailed forestry background completely included. I’ve never done anything of this scale before so I a lot of this is quite new and rather scary to me, but the idea and designs have been quietly brewing in my head for well over a year now and I reckoned that now I’ve got enough time and skill in me to finally push through with it. This is, for the most part, a personal passion project dedicated to some people that I really love and admire—I just hope they’ll like it whenever they get the chance to see it. I’ve been a little over four days since I started this artwork, and so far I’ve done the sketch, drawn the lineart, and put down the initial flat colours. I’m trying to work on it as much as I can, but my poor backside and spine could only take so much sitting and man, these summer afternoons are just absolutely fucking merciless. I simply cannot function with my entire body feeling like it’s a dead pig on a spit being slowly spun above some roaring flames, no matter how many litres of iced coffee I chug down. :c But hey, here’s the very sketchy version of said artwork, just as a tiny sneak peek:

The other project I’m working on is filling up a whole journal, which sounds like nothing particularly new, but this one is a bit different because it’s going to be more or less thematic, and every write-up will come with its own super sketchy, probably angsty illustration on the other page. Nothing too fancy really, just whatever I could draw without having to toil over multiple detailed sketches and my worst enemy Mr. Obsessive Perfectionism. Perhaps I’ll post some finished pages of it later on. I’ll also be using one of my older brother’s hella expensive fountain pens (think,, 4k+, man’s got some minted ink let me tell you) that I nicked—eherm, “borrowed”—for it, because certain reasons. To further explain, I pretty much only embarked on this project because my mother bought me a new journal after my previous one finally ran out, and well, I think I’ll let these images speak for themselves:

Music learning has been a bit same-old painful frustrating slowness, still just trying to figure out how the fuck modes work and familiarise my muscle memory with the fretboard and learn a whole buncha basic alt. songs while I’m at it. But I think my relative pitch is maybe getting a little better, like I could hum out a particular note and have it be mostly correct when I actually play it, if that makes any sense??? That doesn’t sound very impressive but it’s as insane of a breakthrough for my stupid unskilled self as anything else. And I can’t practice my uncleans with everyone locked up in the same tiny house unfortunately, but I sure as hell will wail along to every song I jam with until my family goes deaf and I get fifty thousand noise complaints!!! Would love to post some dumb covers but this is a writing blog first and foremost and I don’t really wanna oversaturate it with all of my other untalented bullshit, so I guess that’s on the backburner for the time being.

wanted to put a photo here but i don’t have anything related so here’s a quiz result on tumblr i got instead, which is pretty fucking accurate

update: i’m attempting to learn this one beautiful song rn but hot damn all these weird chords are making my stubby sausage fingers cry from the pain ;-;

Oh, and I’m also currently reading War of the Worlds by H.G. Wells again. I say again because I once attempted to read this book probably somewhere around 2016 (deadass the bookmark I found on it are movie tickets from X-Men Apocalypse) and the most I could remember is that I kept falling asleep while reading it, so. Well I’ve gotten to the nasty gory heat ray ugly alien invading and lots of dying people bits now so I’m surely guaranteed to not go narcoleptic on it now. But yeah, that’s really mostly what I’ve been up to, nothing really interesting or whatnot but y’know, it’s just fun for me. I’ll probably start posting some actual content after this (“content” pffft sod off allen), so hope everyone’s doing well and not going a bit mental like I am right now. Well, the current world’s quite mental anyway so I reckon we’re allowed, right? Peace out and stay safe. ✌️