i’m up against
a pen that
thinks too much
and an imagination
that refuses to
function.
i’m up against
a pen that
thinks too much
and an imagination
that refuses to
function.
Filed under Poetry
I swear you complete me
Pink and blue on the skyline
Don’t the demons take this time
So raise me up, never say you’ve had enough
And you know it’s love when it’s bottled up…
~*~
Spent ten days counting dandelions in a field
Like time was miserable and needed camera thrills
Painting a scene that wasn’t quite as wayward
As a night filled with stars in some cheap postcard
Distance is effervescent when I close my eyes
Lips pulled into an idyllic smile, trying to play nice
.
Waking up when the collapse is felt in earthquake faults
Visions stifled with thorazine, my art is charcoal cold
I’ll dance like it’s the apocalypse, I’ll sing loud like I mean it
Spin a tornado with the air I have left in my lungs sweet
I’m just a mess trapped in sunflower swirls and pastel dreams
Tinderbox between my teeth, aldehyde ignites my screams
.
I don’t mind that it’s mindless, I don’t make any sense
The windows show my only escape from pyrexia bleakness
I’ll cast a spell and make the golden in the sunshine die
Plucked violets intricately lacing, like delinquent butterflies
Traipse by coastlines ’til the shore is nowhere to be found
Staring at the hypnotic horizon until I cannot feel the ground
.
Heavy, heavy, heavy dahlias; transient mysteries I’ll never solve
The morning’s further past over, and the mourning’s getting old
I’m a melancholy melody, I’m a symptom of severing snowdrops
A feverish heart cured by faux rhinestones from a psychic’s shop
Contrary crazy, I only miss the rain when the weather’s at it’s best
Drown in myself, I’ll keep looking for an exit out of this baby’s breath.
~*~
I had a dream that
I drove my car off a mountain
I fell back into your baby’s breath
Wish I didn’t miss you
Kiss me like it’s the apocalypse
I fell back into your baby’s breath…
Filed under Poetry
You’re too kind to me, you know that?
I don’t deserve absolution, or warm comfort, or reassuring words, or a steady shoulder to lean on when I cry. I deserve atonement, a punch in the face, a cold scream to strengthen up, I need tough love and tougher hate, because I’m far too spineless for my own good and I shouldn’t be stagnantly melting and caving in to that unwieldy trait anyway.
Do you like hearing about my problems? I don’t honestly believe that. Even I’m so sick of listening to the same old shit that I speak over and over again. Whining about problems so trite and unreasonable, even the purest of angels will certainly hate me for it. Oh, I’m sad again. Big fucking deal, so are a million other people out there, but do you see them complaining? No, so I should just suck it up and shut up about it already.
But I can’t, and I don’t. And you unknowingly get caught up in the middle of this ugly mess.
Just like any other rational person out there, you must think I’m rather obnoxious. Petty. Disgustingly needy. I know that’s not your nature, but still, I understand that, though. On the contrary, I understand it more than anyone else ever will. I know I push everyone’s patience to their breaking limits. I hurt and I hurt, and I’ve hurt other people, and I’ve hurt you, and I’m not worth my time or space, and neither should I be yours.
I’m sorry, but the truth is the truth, no matter how much it makes all the repressing lies in my fucked-up brain seethe indignantly. I’m always so pathetically selfish, but I sincerely never wanted this for you. You’re a decent soul with the best intentions and better people to spend your life on. I’m a bad person. I’m a bad friend. I’m always going bad. So why, just why are you being so good to me?
You’re too kind to me, you know that?
That’s being too cruel to yourself.
Filed under Prose
i’m stuck
all alone
with my mind
to torture me
to prod needles
behind my eyelids
and call me a
worthless failure
a fucking loser
and every other
insult that i’ve
heard a million times
before already.
i want to jump off
the window of
this speeding bus
and run away
from my friends,
from my family,
from everything
and everyone
that i ever failed—
including myself…
but i just can’t.
so instead of that,
i’m stuck here
with my cruel mind
playing tricks on
my worthless self,
gritting my teeth and
telling me lies
as i’m just silently
screaming and
hating myself because
i believe it’s all
fucking true.
Filed under Poetry
it comes and goes
i never know
when it dares to strike
.
it doesn’t know
what can hurt me
but it knows
just what i like
.
so that hurt
intensifies—
and takes the
form of love
.
it breaks me down
and tears away all the
things i couldn’t have.
Filed under Poetry
“Feeling so alone now, funny how you wish
Some way that you’ll die at the hospital…”
~*~
hospital red
violet tears crying
the lights are too bright
they say that i’m dying
.
transfusion red
violet bruises sighing
darkness overtakes me
i don’t want to keep on waking.
Filed under Poetry
A withheld stare, innocent amusement building up in the corners of his lungs.
“What’s he doing?”
That grin, so boyishly charming, a flustered cherub could strike an arrow straight between his teeth.
His fingers slightly shivered. A deceptive thought bubbled in his afflicted chest.
He didn’t pop it. He wouldn’t dare.
Cobalt eyes quietly blinking with mirth. Delicate figures dancing solipsistic circles over gloomy minds. A feeling so delightful, yet unsustainable and fleeting.
He was alone. And yet he laughed like he wasn’t.
“Being an idiot, that’s what.”
He was.
And for that feeling of happiness, he would do it all over again.
Filed under Prose
i am clothed
in nightmares
subliminal—
sympathy;
cruel, mocking
resilience inching
in the undertows
of a fervent
disguise
their smiles fall
into chipped sneers
as violet eyes
flash with
covetous envy
but the crimson lips
on my thighs do
nothing but gape
without teeth.
bleeding petals
slip away to
reveal the ugly
creature underneath,
melancholy human
weeping for their
own insolence
grieving what they
do not have, and
asking for ire faith
in blind places,
and yet again
i find myself dear
in the company
of the strangers
in my head,
and the demons
in my bed, clawing
with terror, writhing
with pleasure, altogether
tearing me apart.
i am clothed in
my own
nightmares–
and yet my soul:
fully bared and
torn open
apart for everyone,
exposed and
insulted and reviled…
it still feels rather
n a k e d .
Filed under Poetry
I don’t know how to love
Without looking superficial
I feel in the wrong places
And no one’s ever too special
I don’t know how to love
In the way that they call “real”
I set my soul in right times
And no one would ever be mine.
Filed under Poetry