31 – thirty-one.

so. i somehow made it through january. big surprise.

i’ve never really been one for counting off days, but times like these, i couldn’t help it. after all the bullshit i’ve put my head through, it comes so naturally by now that it’s basically instinctual. and life to me is like a giant neon billboard sign falling straight on my head that proclaims “welcome to adulthood, loser. prepare to die soon and be thankful for it.”

anyway, the weather’s finely cold today. football practice was strangely interesting and motivating, and this one other coach (who wasn’t really my coach but was just there practicing) struck up a conversation with me for some reason. it was mostly him asking me about trivial things before completely launching into a discussion about his 33-year journey into said sport, and the man was so passionate about it, bless his soul. i also found the place to get my science 10 papers (fuckin’ finally) and bought a trench-coloured (*cries in josh dun*) dartboard for some “this-is-gonna-make-my-dorm-room-look-aesthetic-asf” reason. so, this day has been an okay day…i think. i don’t have many of those so fast and often, so it’s quite nice to end the month on this relatively lighter note, at least.

looking back on it, i can barely believe that only the first month has passed so far—a lot has happened since and it already feels like such a long year for me. i honestly don’t even know why i signed up for this, because going through college is basically like trying to wade past thick molasses. it doesn’t make any sense, takes up a hell of a long time, i’m most likely gonna get all messed up, and was it worth the damn trouble in the end? nope. not at all. not even a little.

truth be told, i’m just doing this so that my family could ultimately have a lame degree and a graduation photo to proudly plaster on the wall, which would claim me as not totally a complete waste of money and effort and oxygen. but besides that, i’ve already long accepted my fate of becoming a future college dropout way before i even entered said phase of my life, and so far i’m still waiting out on it, knowing my tendency to fuck things up badly. any second now…

i just also realised that at least 97% of the things i’ve written (well, the ones on this personal daily series that i’m about to burn out on—whatever the hell this is, anyway) and posted are basically just about my sad, moping, miserable existence, which i didn’t even realise but i’m not all too entirely surprised about. i mean, that’s just my usual content anyway. but man, this year is pretty much peak bleakness for me. stick around and tune in next time to see just how worse this sad dumbarse could get before they finally give up, promptly walk out into oncoming traffic, and throw themselves under a giant red bus heading to calamba!!! *joyful game show music plays*

well. here’s to you, january 2019, you problematic old bastard. may i never go through you or ever see you again for as long (or as short?) as i live. it’s also currently 3:02 a.m. as i write this and i have an 8 a.m. class, and several more that takes up literally my entire afternoon, without any pauses or intervals in between. my, my, aren’t i off to a great start.

february, here we go.

wraithed

i love how

you think that

you’re okay

because of a

few struggles

against tidal waves

i love how you

feel that you are

what matters most

when all you are

is just another

self-centered ghost.

“Patience Is A Virtue”

Don’t break yourself now

Keep your temper in

And bleed your mouth dry

Trying not to scream

They won’t hear you anyway

And they’ll never listen

Not until they find evidence

Then they’ll lock you up

Sabotaging the hate they all

Once told you to ask for

Crashing the arrogance until

Everything’s fucking stale

So don’t break yourself now

Because even if you do

It’s not like it will even matter

To anyone but yourself.

split-second thoughts in a night that never seems to end

I float there, transcend time, I wanna capture it accurately
I wanna know what the color of the blood was
Spilling out from the tarp onto the concrete
I wanna write it all down so I can always remember
If you could see it up close how could you ever forget?
How senseless death, how precious life
I wanna be there when the bullet hit…

~*~

the room seems to get colder. is it just me or am i dying?

fingers locked on empty biro, waiting for something bad to happen

“what are you so scared of?” the bones in my body scream

like i wasn’t simply bleeding, like it wasn’t just a dream

well, i’m scared that i’m useless and i’m fragile and i’m weak

and i can’t ever justify myself for everything that i feel

i’m scared that i don’t know what my brain is telling me

that i need some medication just to feel a little more sorry

and i don’t want to submerge and i don’t want to stay up

they tell me to cut it out but instead all i hear is cut

and i’ve had enough of scars and i’ve had enough of crying

but the windows are all dark and i’m still alone not trying

to change what i can conceal at the tip of my tongue

and the words that i’m struggling, still struggling to understand

and i create these bold distractions and pretend for a while

that hell isn’t a few steps over, ready to greet me with a smile

but when the truth comes crashing down, it’s all i can do not to crack

not to break myself overthinking and bend until it hurts my back

because there comes a point where enough is not enough

and the walls start closing in and the ceiling starts to laugh

so i step outside and wish for rain, but just like everything else

i ever wished for and wanted, it doesn’t come true to end this hell

and so i gaze at the stars to comfort me and simply calm me

and so i gaze at the stars to keep my mind off suicide

and remind me of the times when i didn’t have to wonder

why i look at the distant lights in those times when i remember

that the dark is nothing to be scared of except when i’m inside

waiting for the final answer that turns out to be a lie

as my coffee’s getting cold and my skin is getting tighter

i’m suffocating with each breath and each burn on the cigarette lighter

my twitches getting frantic and my pulse is a heart attack

beating to rhythms of “when will someone come to take me back?”

no, i can’t sing to save my life; i can’t even save my life

‘cause i’ve spent it all on daily lessons about wasting out the fight

and i’m still standing outside losing, when the sun overtakes the horizon

with the only force left in the world and the energy to go on

but i’ll wait for the end, even if that takes more than a million years

until i’ve turned into a monument and crumbled but the ending isn’t near

because i’ve contemplated and i’ve meditated and i’ve prayed to every god

but my eyes are a little blurrier and my palms impaled on metal rods

striking lightning, never raining, an automatic impulse sleeping in my bed

everything sounds a little too schizophrenic when they’re all talking in my head

so when i finally find the strength to step back into that empty room so cold

i found that the temperature was the same deadly dull, and i still do as i’m told

and i’m still tired of everything even if everything’s just a fictional retelling

in my head, in my sleep, as i dream, as i wake, as i live…is it just me or am i dying?

~*~

I felt the burden of murder
It shook the earth to the core
Felt like the world was collapsing
Then we heard him speak
“Can I still get into heaven if I kill myself?
Can I still get into heaven if I kill myself?”

the house of sinners

You’ve fallen captive to what you thought would
Save you, what you thought would clean your slate
You’re in the thick of it now and you have swallowed the hook
What’s done is done, we’ll continue on with or without you
Pain must exist in order for healing to survive
Neither one will ever serve their purpose alone…

~*~

underhanded whispers

rotting foundations to the very core

flesh devoured by the ego

and cold blood sold to murder slaves—

black eye gouged for black eye

in this parasitic wasteland;

of a home built on crossbones

and mangled hearsay

swallowing teeth and anger

boiling harsh on explosive veins

devouring the starving bruised hearts

until all that’s left is arcane vitriol.

so tear my body apart to pathetic shreds,

expose the lies in my backbone

and make me believe fervently in

your hypocritical preambles,

distorted tales of abuse,

vile corrupted, asinine whining,

and the conjured-up apparitions at the

tip of your foul leather tongue…

i’ll pass it on to another fool;

taking them as you have taken me for.

because oh, i just adore

your stories of foolhardy orphans

and the secret adoptions that

you slipped in our coffee like poison

and now you have the nerve to grit

the dirty money between

your running mouth and say that

we don’t fucking deserve any of your trust

as you shamelessly go crawling back to your mistress

and weep behind red war paint.

a personal sadistic leverage,

that pathetic carnage of a temper of yours.

watch yourself before you accuse us

and don’t speak with the smoking gun

permanently lodged between your

pointing fingers like a quickly-burning cigarette,

because you’re gonna set yourself on fire.

and we’ll stand back and watch

the hostile flames convict you of arson—

among all of the other crimes

you’ve shamelessly committed against us,

because it’s the most merciful thing

we could ever do to you.

~*~

This is my goodbye, don’t worry
We saw through your trickery
And we’re coming out alive, see you at the end
What was once your life is now lifeless
What was once your life is now your jail cell.

sidewards strangers

and i crave your humanity

bleeding smile for the normalcy

hair blushing red with insanity

blue skin set to sovereignty

.

and i crave this humanity

acting like a murderous society

let me enter your uncertainty

and let my eyes see clarity.

violent self-deception

I’ve been crawling circles in my skin
Leaving trails to where I’ve been
I’m still following
I’ve been tying knots in my muscles
Grinding down all of my bones
I’m paper thin, paper thin…

~*~

arrest the cloying hope

like the blood in my mouth

clotting, bitter, deep red,

barely letting me breathe.

i can’t justify myself

and my repeating hypocrisy

but i want to leave it all

behind…even if that means

being consumed by my

own fool’s ideology

and suffer disappointment

over and over and over again

for the sake of a dream;

just another tragic cliche.

that’s why my secret

is still a secret, and why even

the most vicarious pleading

won’t force it out of me

because if cold laughter is

the answer to a pending question,

then what good will it do me

to add my ambition to

their comedic entertainment?

it’s the only thing i have

left to fucking fight for anymore…

it’s the only thing i have left.

no, i don’t want anything grand;

i just want to have a little faith

even if that means lying to myself.

~*~

Give me something to believe in
I’ll give you something to forget
Just give me something to believe in
I’ll give you something to forget…

quotes

i’m only

borrowing

inspiration

from poets

that i loathe

because all

their words

make sense

while mine

has no worth.

delays

the heat is addling

the corners of my eyes

bleeding with tears

that i so madly despise

.

crowds so dense

they all suffocate

as footsteps go on

of weary and late

.

i take a breath

but i can find none

fun was all fun

but now it’s all done

.

i’m stuck and bored

i don’t know why i try

“home sweet home”

has never been such a lie.

arrival

the return

the final line

of empty trays

and sipped wine

.

of upbeat music

and listless smiles

we’re so close yet

we still have miles

.

the last call

the landing

of departures

and last wings

.

of blue skies

and goodbyes

we’re so far yet

it feels like the end.