heaven has hazards, too.

I am my own parasite
I don’t need a host to live
We feed off of each other
We can share our endorphins
Doll steak, test meat…

~*~

evocation

the protests

rise like bile

and anarchy

from the back

of a shut throat

shut by rope

shut by force

shut the hell up

angels like you

don’t have wings

but holy tongues

no, it’s not the same

acidic prayers

could only burn

if you believe

and we don’t

believe me, i tried

but i can’t listen

to your whining

curdled preaching

spines unreeling

catching the bait

with faith and

worms, it doesn’t

matter; they all

taste the same

when all you eat

is your own words

spoiled aphorism

colourless lies

promising cheap

doses of paradise

fools betraying fools

the duality of man

bleeding out on

concrete praises

to coat the streets

with a fresh kind

of damnation

to slip on and fall

broken ankles

lead the line back

to recycled agony

playing pretend

that we’re all

something more

than god’s little nothing

blacked-out cursing

never quite trying

mesmerising, again

this enervation.

~*~

Look on the bright side is suicide
Lost eyesight, I’m on your side
Angel left wing, right wing, broken wing
Lack of iron and/or sleeping…

Æther

I’ll swim through the milky way

Where no one shall dare to find me

Past countless stars and infinities

Into the unknown mirrors of reality

.

Check in on the me that’s doing better

Find the fold and unravel underwater

Peering into a new parallel possibility

Where I’m not drowned in my misery

.

I’ll change my look and taste the colours

Hold my frozen lungs right into the aether

Push my old self away and then kill another

Just to take the place of a familiar stranger

.

And maybe then, I could find new ways

To lose reckless gravity and float to space

They wouldn’t notice the exact same face

Won’t miss the past me that I just replaced

.

In that strange dimension, I’ll live on

With the other fake ones, a different version

I’m starting over in greener pastures

My mistakes abandoned in a forgotten world

.

Until another me swims the milky way

In hapless search of a newer reality

Perhaps I might also be the unlucky one

This time around, I’ll also be chosen.

darkrooms and diadems

daybreak

heartaches

lukewarm

rainfall

.

silhouettes

playing in

the corner

of a bad call

.

starlight

and ashes

woven into

a blonde king

.

hopeful yet

thoughtful

no mercy for

the dying

.

we’ll fly but

i’ll collide

with nothing

but comets

.

galaxies hush

still at your

voice, another

skyline death

.

mindless

so clever, yet

barely out

of my reach

.

no need for

your gold when

you’re the one

that i need.

Continuums

It’s a statistical impossibility multiplied

I knew the chances worked against me

But I went on ahead and paid the price

Never knowing how much it really cost me

.

You wrote unsent letters for someone else

The very same way I always do for you

Are we both just chasing phantoms, then?

Love, are we both craving nothing new?

.

The pain spreads violence in my thoughts

Saturating every lusted wakeful nightmare

You’re tearing me away, you never found out

That this world is more than willing to play unfair

.

But I guess it’s my fault, I handed you the bullets

That ran under my skin in these times of despair

When my vulnerabilities gouged holes in my system

Connect the dots all you want, but I’m beyond repair

.

The last time I said was the last time I’ll do this

But it lasted too long to last—this time, I mean it

You’re just too vague, oh, this is all just too simple

I let my veins die for the sake of an open answer

.

Now the impossible’s melting, but melting into red

I knocked back bland neurosis just to sedate my head

I knew this was coming for me, I know that you’ll never care

But why does it hurt even more when there’s no space left to be unaware?

The Cadaver’s Requiem

the abyss is your wornout teeth

creaking and gnashing at four in

the morning—deathly eves whisper

in alluringly sweeter nevermores

as your mind draws a point blank

chalky and arid, the rewind is set to

fit the blame and delirium quite sure...

lights dragging the diabolical taste

of cancer and firelight away to hell

as it burns for the hearts of infidels

though carry not the cursed hurt nor

wretched inferno that only means to

submerge its sharp, bleeding claws

deep down into your tender sternum

to slowly pick your entrails apart as it

would a grand and delectable banquet;

cerise mucilage trickles in between the

crook of your damned eternal frown,

moulding your seething madness into

a scream of inscrutable evisceration.

outcast

my friends

want a stranger

to take the

place of my skin

but i don’t

blame them, it’s

easier to be

someone else

.

the distance

saves them from

myself, i’m glad

they don’t call

so they won’t have

to hear the anxiety

seeping in as i

say it’s no trouble

.

i step back and

watch them thrive,

i watch their smiles

grow genuine

as mine wears down

and fades away,

relapsing back

to empty nothings

.

this was never

meant to last, and

the candlelight’s

meant to flicker

and moths shouldn’t

dance with butterflies

my greys will sedate

their pretty colours

.

so i’ll clip my own

wings and take

the risk, i’ll fall out

of their lives

forget the days

when i still meant

a thing, they will

soon forget the past

.

my friends

want a stranger

to take the

place of my skin

but i don’t really

blame them, i know

i’d also rather be

someone else.

fallen equinoxes

you are my mercurial tidal wave

the ego that wraps me up in a velvet blanket

and keeps me safe against crying storms

.

though i can barely breathe under the covers

and warmth is heavy against my pale blue skin

i’ll exhale in little wisps so there will be enough

to last both our lungs until cold morning bloom

.

you are my darling sibylline coastline

the elegance that dances me to the very end

and clings to my eyes like an overcast yellow

.

though the bright cadmium hurts my mind

and follows me to the very grey of my dreams

i’ll paint in every shade until the sun runs out

to last both our lives until idyllic evening gloom.

Call me an ionian g-clef ’cause yo, I’m in major treble (oh wow sorry i’ll show myself out now)

slightly unrelated, but hey here’s a dumb music band art thing i did a while back—mostly just throwing this in so that this entire cursed post wouldn’t be a total eyesore 👀

—

Alright, it’s three in the morning and I’m mostly delirious, you all know what that means…it’s time for another stupid rant thing that literally no one cares about!!! I have absolutely no idea as to what demographic this entire post will make sense to, but I have been staring at nothing but notes and more notes and surprise! even more fuckin notes!!! for actual hours now and I just needed a break to set my head back on straight. So here’s a bit of a weird lengthy personal music-related talk about, well, music and all that jazz. No pun intended. For this instance, anyway. Okay, no more bad music puns, I promise.

So far, my current progress has been going immensely slow but okay overall, I suppose. Apart from your usual classic starter pack of making-basic-covers-of-simple-four-chord-songs-from-UG, I’ve also been trying to experiment with creating chord progressions and composing tiny snippets of punk and djent-esque riffs which might sound nice overlayed with some power chords (my scale/mode game isn’t quite sweep-picking dmitry demyanenko-level god-mode yet but I can make do for now) and just a little bit of a filthier guitar tone and a hell-lot of distortion. But yeah, it’s kinda difficult to envision how this shit will actually sound when I’m playing on an acoustic instrument (stg once i get one of those gorgeous seven-string music man monarchy majesty bois and an axe-fx it’s over for all you fuckers jk). Improvising solos are fun as well but I think I’m abusing the dissonance slash bending power just a little bit too much??? Idk it just sounds cool to me. Probably sounds worse live though hahaha jk

On the other hand, I’ve been a bit stuck on studying intervals and tritones for goddamn hours at an end now and it’s so confusing snsjsj it’s highkey driving me insane. Notations and rhythms and metres and key signatures and scales were fun and games and bloody candyland, but god call me Patrick ’cause I am stumped here. There’s just so much to take in, augmented and diminished and perfect and double accidentals and both and none and inversions and everything is just a complete ancient hieroglyphic mess to my eyes right now (and no, not the cool phrygian dominant kind either, if you catch my drift). It’s still a highly mindblowing concept though, and the more I read about it, the easier it gets for me so,, win-win!!! I should also probably do a lot more ear-training and sight-reading because I still can’t identify notes proficiently enough to even save my life. Just trying to distinguish between each major and minor scale alone is making my head hurt so much, I’m probably gonna have severe haunting auditory hallucinations for weeks after this. I’ve honestly never been more jealous towards human beings with perfect pitch as I have this very moment ahahah ;-;

And sort of digressing here, but tabbing and polyrhythms and fingerpicking and tapping and harmonics, oh my! Gotta learn that stuff as well. Need to make me some of those smooth groovy crunchy funky math rock riffs, my guy. I obviously won’t be pulling off an Ichika Nito or anything even remotely close to that kind of heavenly genius anytime soon but hey, might as well have some fun and run with it. One thing at a time though. I should really set a legitimate practice routine that doesn’t involve 95% of said session with me liberally pouring sugary caffeine down my throat as I idly waste my precious time mucking about online in the dead of the night (but knowing me, i’ll probably just go “fuck it”, as i do, and wing everything to hell until something in my system inevitably breaks). Lastly, I’m trying to find a good song that should be relatively easy enough for me to learn and transcribe by ear, but I’ve been admittedly procrastinating on that task because ngl, it’s pretty intimidating as all fuck. Seriously, I’m virtually having nightmares even just thinking about it. But I know I’m gonna have to face it at some point or another, so might as well be sooner than never. I reckon I’ll just use a song that I won’t mind listening to over and over again and excruciatingly poring over until I start to hate it forever. : /

Anyway. At this point, I’m practically eating hefty mouthfuls of music theory for breakfast lunch dinner and the occasional midnight snack, and yet my mind is sometimes just a bit too thick to fully comprehend these things as quickly as I’m feeding them to it. And this is barely even scratching the surface, I have so much more to uncover and unpack and it’s scary enough to almost make me wanna poke out my eardrums with an ice pick out of sheer despair. But nah, let’s not do that yet, ’cause I might be getting there though. Soon enough, hopefully. At the very end of it, I think it’s just so crazy how much learning these things drastically changes the way I listen to music. It really helps me pay attention with my ears some more and it opens up a whole new avenue, nay, universe of subtler nuances and finer details and technical know-how that I never would’ve noticed in songs otherwise, had I not known all this information beforehand. I mean, some people may see it as overthinking and overanalysing everything which may ruin the whole listening experience for them quite considerably, but personally I don’t mind it. On the contrary, I see it as a fun little brain exercise which could be an essential tool for improvement, and it doesn’t necessarily have to take away the sentimental and emotional value and the overall enjoyment I attach to the music in itself. And of course, I ultimately get to actually create my own music which for me is just???? excitingly insane??!!?!? Like how do I even??!? I’m sorry I’m going off on a tangent here and dorking out too much about music when this is not really the place for it and I should be getting back to the grind, but I’ve just never been more passionate for anything else in my dull existence than this. It’s been tough so far, but I just need to focus a little more. Okay, a lot more. Tbh I spent way too long writing this post when I should’ve been learning about seventh chords and triad inversions, damn it!!

Alright that’s it for now (or y’know, probably ever),, I’ve had too much coffee and I want more and it’s already four and I still gotta spend more hours torturing my brain cells so brb watching more hilarious metal meme videos oops uhhh I mean five-hour online courses on YouTube bye

oblique

you never listen

to a word i say

though i seem to

always fall back

to yours again

.

i try to convince

myself you need

some time to think

caught up in other

better affairs then

.

used to being used

there for disposal

an easy comfort out

speak sweetly and

softly and sensibly

.

my turn comes around

and i talk back to a ghost

out of sight, out of mind

now i wonder—did you

ever really undermine me?

You Get Me So High (All The Time)

You sat in front of me tensely; shaky hands, quivering lips, splintered voice, I almost believed you for a second

I’m not looking for an apology. I’m not looking for love. I’m just looking out for myself

Your hair tangled like barbed wires, dirty fingernails agitatedly running through it in an attempt to search for an answer—why? Why not?

I’ve heard the same dialogue before. It tastes the exact same way it did when I woke up this morning and felt only cold bedsheets and bitter advil on my tongue, spit it out

Betrayal. Is that what you called it? Is that how badly you think of me? Dirty traitor. Is that what I am?

The viselike grip on my throat slowly tightens, leaving just enough space for a final dignified gasp. The wooden chair creaks an inch

But you kicked it over. Swinging like autumn leaves, a bit dramatic. I did it all for you. Surely you must have. Let’s see them figure you out without a crumpled note to tell them why

Because I honestly don’t know either, dear. Whiskey and aftershave makes me feel dizzy and I can’t think clearly. Have to t h r o w – u p

Bruises line the bathroom wall and I stumble over your slippery tears. Were you listening behind the door, when I was crying my face out? Yes. Quite wet. A quick shower doesn’t sound so bad. Might get rid of all the nasty stains on my shirt

Fucking crazy bastard, you spitefully whisper on the other side of the fogged-up glass, and I can’t help but smile back, diamond girl

Isn’t that why you fell for me?