Tag Archives: hurt

lágrima

i cried

for the first

time in a

long time

today, and

.

the tears

are not for

me, they are

meant for

someone else

.

and the

sadness is

not mine,

only my lack

of control

.

towards them—

i wept, and it hurt,

but i could only

imagine how much

worse it was for you.

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Filed under Poetry

Peripheral Vision

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What a stubborn thought; to be loved, to be lost, to be loathed.

My initial mistake was to get myself foolishly caught up in the former instance, without carefully considering the ulterior consequences of my despicably reckless actions. I dived headfirst without peering in to see if there was a tangible ocean beneath me, and cried out in regret when my body got viciously torn apart by the jagged rocks awaiting below.

But, what else could I have done? And what else should I have not? I could spend my entire life painstakingly sifting through the showering grains of the hourglass, attempting to find a diamond until time runs out; or I could simply let the sand fall away to its own accord as I willingly hold out my roughened hands below—hurting, helping, hoping. The unfortunate namesake “human” is deeply threaded through my innocent nerves, shutting out the callous pessimism which only seeks to permanently cease my blood circulation; still withering against the gentler stings of anguish.

Though I have slowly faded out most of my past anamnesis, all of their phantasmic chimeras are still somehow luminously vigilant, almost even barbarous in its unremitting pursuit to frivolously preserve my already-squandered youth. Yet I suppose, no matter…no matter. For now, you are the overgrown wildflower field lulling my tired providence to rest, under fluid stars and unplucked scars and quavering sympathy—the only thankless relapse fully able to keep me awake for multiple infinitudes every twilight’s eve.

What a stubborn thought; to be loathed, to be lost, to be loved by you.

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Filed under Prose

regenerate

Every time I think about your voice
I start to tremble, and my heart’s aching
And anytime you need a shoulder, I’m right there
You just gotta find a way, a way…

~*~

it’s been over

a year, and all

my insides have

turned bright blue

.

coldly choking

and churning at

the constant lie

to pull me through

.

it’s been over

a year, and yet

my insides don’t

feel brand new

.

still spitting

and screaming

“damn it, why did

it have to be you?”

~*~

You scream ‘don’t look’
You scream ‘don’t touch’
What have they done?
What have I not?

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Saudade

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my source of discomfort stems from sweeter apathy,

the one that subtly shifts behind frayed sweaters and

bubbles up from under clogged drains; the kitchen sink

is stained with petrified rose petals, your disinfectant love

creeps like cold chlorine under my tongue, and your kisses

taste like taking a deep breath under a swimming pool

but i don’t know why i cough up sea salt in my lungs

and the sand gets in my eyes and my fingernails, the

irritating grit keeps me vainly scratching all throughout

the night. you don’t seem to mind, for you have the covers

wrapped tightly around your body like a quilted cocoon, and

there’s a steady rhythm humming beneath the sweaty pillows;

of oxygen, and slowing pulse, and being unable to dream

while i dream up enough nightmares for the both of us

and the noisy skeletons in our padlocked closet. nobody’s

around to witness me jumping to conclusions, just an

inch of mattress that translates to transcontinental throes

you are so impossibly distant, whilst i quietly sit in the same

chair by the jammed window for hours and let myself wander—

perhaps i might chance upon a fairy tale place where home

feels like home, and not simply another temporary kingdom to lose

your keys; and where you are no longer a strange extraordinary metaphor

but rather, just a tiring contrary cliché that i’ll be more than glad to call my own.

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Jouska (pointless monologue)

Closed doors, locked in, no keys
Keeping my feelings hidden
There is no ease, I need it to stop
And I want to be able to open up but
My feelings are fatal…

~*~

This much, I know, we will never be alone together.

I couldn’t ever bring myself to attempt to catch up

With you; quietly fearing this trembling uncertainty of

Completely tiring myself down with the futile chase

Only to find out that I arrived in dead-set last place,

So I’ll just allow you to leave me behind instead, as it is.

It just feels like the more happiness you’re getting,

The less of you I could have for myself—and though

I can’t and won’t deprive you of the things you’ve fully

Well deserved for a long time, I also can’t stop

Myself from being such a selfish machine, stupidly

Begging for something far beyond my taut reach,

Inadvertently trapping myself and wailing in anguish

When I have to chew at my own leg just to get out of it—

I just can’t stop myself from giving a damn about you.

But I guess that’s fine. You will never find me out anyway, and

Even if short-lived and shortsighted, I still dearly cherish

What little euphoric glimpses I had of your attention, even

If it meant nothing, I only wish nothing but the very best for you,

And I could only hope that this teaches me a final lesson;

One last acrid pill to swallow, hope I don’t choke this time,

No more. I could only ever endure too much. Please. Not anymore.

The more you feel alive, the more I slowly wither away inside,

But I couldn’t hate you for that. I could never hate you at all…

It’s not your fault I keep fucking losing control of myself.

~*~

How many times must I keep it inside
I need to let go and I swear that I’ve tried
But opening up means trusting others
And that’s just too much, I don’t want to bother
So I’ll keep it inside and bury it deep
I know it’s not healthy, but you won’t hear a peep…

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Filed under Poetry

Deathwatch

There’s no point in hiding the truth from a freak

She let her arms swell as he took a big bite, let it stick

So that the vessel ropes he could find a little easier

And all that remains would mean nothing else to her

.

Does it hurt this much to be okay? Am I all that will be gone?

Her questions were relentless, and his curt answers stung

All he could tell was that blood’s quite softer than water

And clorox swirls down the drain just a little bit slower

.

Don’t find me out yet, I’m still purging all of my guilt

Grey is just something when all these pills taste like filth

Her stomach emptied as his was filled, one more for the road

But pray don’t slip on the wet tiles, though comfortingly cold

.

Get out of that fucking phase! Are you just dying for style?

Well, I love you too mother dearest, you won’t be yelling for a while

An attention seeking bitch, just can’t be more like the others

You’re only ever good with your head submerged underwater

.

And so what if I am? Why, would I look bad in your final will?

Her spite crammed the walls and the shadows were thrilled

He stayed silent, quite cautious, let the anger be his chance

If it’s only to prove your point to me, then I know my own stance

.

Teethmarks stuck vicariously to the mould like their grotesque signature

His embrace was eternally automatic, and she was just a friendly reminder

Because really, what was the point? We’re just a bunch of deadweight freaks

But she made sure to stick out her arms and wear the truth on her sleeve.

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beautiful creature [spoken word poetry]


(uhhh idfk but here’s an absolutely terrible first actual attempt at spoken word poetry bc my rationality is severely dysfunctional ooft. sorry if i sound very weird. and talk very bad. i’m not exactly radio voice material but i tried?? i sound so annoyingly manic here that’s because i am and no one’s probably gonna listen to this so what am i even making excuses up for. this is far from my usual content but 2020’s a year of trying dumb regrettable shit i guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)


beautiful creature

i am jealous of you,

beautiful, tiny, skinny creature.

beautiful, tiny, skinny, pretty

do you not know how it feels

to be so frustratingly jealous of you?

perhaps you do.

perhaps you wrap a ribbon around

your waist and your wrists and grab both ends and pull hard—

until your organs start to embrace each other

and the lack of blood makes your cheeks glow

beautiful, tiny, skinny creature

so pretty, perhaps each freckle on

your perfectly angled nose is mirrored

from every constellation in the sky

and your smile never grows crooked

because you practice in front of the mirror everyday,

lifting each corner delicately until the wind fixes it

into that permanent, enchanting look

beautiful, tiny, skinny creature

watch how they so adore you,

an undivided attention filled only with

wish-i-was and want-to-be’s and maybe-if-i…

but i will never be

you. beautiful, tiny, skinny creature

i pull at my ribbons until my veins start to show

but it snaps in half and flies back to my face; oh, my face,

whose spots reflect the craters in the dark side of the moon

and every time i try to smile, it’s a lunar eclipse

“witchcraft!” they call it

but which one am i?

beautiful, tiny, skinny creature

beautiful, tiny, skinny, pretty

our monsters are the same,

but why do yours look so

god damn beautiful?

when you speak, it hurts

and when i listen, it hurts even more

you can’t talk to yourself like that,

beautiful, tiny, skinny creature

there is someone out there who will

willingly ask for all your monsters

i’ll make them behave, i’ll take care of them, i promise

and you’ll still be beautiful

and tiny, and skinny, and pretty

and i’ll have more monsters

but i will still be

me.

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Filed under Poetry

unwanted

Watching the wings cut through the clouds
Watching the raindrops blinking red and white
Thinking of you back on the ground
There with a fire burning in your eyes
I only halfway apologized…

~*~

all you ever do

is fuck things up

with your grating noise

and bleed them dry

with your social razors

and yet you wonder

why you’re always

the last choice?

leave your duct taped

smiles all over the

peeling wall, before

you complain they don’t

know you at all

and force your feet

to dance like mad blowflies

decaying under heat

they won’t notice it’s a lie

a sour abandonment

burns the roof of your mouth

does it hurt not to care?

or to be cared about?

scratching at your arms

like that would take it away

quiet redness blossoms

but the scars look okay

so when you pull out

a cold disappearing act

rest assured they’re all tired

and glad you’ve stopped

because you’re insufferable

all you ever do is fuck things up

so, what do you say?

won’t you do everyone a

favour and please go away?

they won’t need you.

they never needed you.

they don’t fucking need you.

go away. go away. g o . a w a y .

~*~

So I’ll be sorry for now
That I couldn’t be around
There are things we have to do
That we can’t stand
Oh, I’ll be sorry for now
That I couldn’t be around
There will be a day that
You will understand…

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Filed under Poetry

Beyond The Pale

Pull the trigger tight and watch our distances explode
If Texas is forever, where’s your home sweet home?
If anything should happen to me, I want you to know
I’ve loved you since ever since then…

~*~

Up there, where the sky looks a little less blue and a little more like the love we used to have

That’s where I’ll be headed now darling, that’s where all the stars go to die

Five thousand years and a minute wasn’t enough to make you stay for the night, so I’ve

Set my sights for the southern lights, but won’t you at least say goodbye?

.

The cold in my hands are getting worse with each passing sunset I wasted on your breath

The diurnal dreams and burning cash, the handmade kisses stippling your shirt

Expect me to return before the moon forgets I wasn’t there, and my shadow falls into debt

With the tear stains on your bedroom wall, did you really think it wouldn’t hurt?

.

Like cigarettes and patron saints, I’ll always come back to haunt the corners of your lungs

Like aching sighs and floral lace, your promises falling on another eternity

Like half-opened novels abandoned facedown on the coffee table, like the last calls left unsung

Like the bullet on my throat you placed as you knew you couldn’t leave me

.

Down here, where the ground looks softer, but only before the final crash starts to strike

Where will you be headed now darling, did you ever ask the stars to lie?

Five million years and minute more, and I would have made you stay for the rest of your life

So set your mind, take the northern lights, I won’t be there to say goodbye.

~*~

Don’t dance around me, I know what it means
No communication cannot be received
But I’m such a sucker for the rain…

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