i cried
for the first
time in a
long time
today, and
.
the tears
are not for
me, they are
meant for
someone else
.
and the
sadness is
not mine,
only my lack
of control
.
towards them—
i wept, and it hurt,
but i could only
imagine how much
worse it was for you.
Filed under Poetry
What a stubborn thought; to be loved, to be lost, to be loathed.
My initial mistake was to get myself foolishly caught up in the former instance, without carefully considering the ulterior consequences of my despicably reckless actions. I dived headfirst without peering in to see if there was a tangible ocean beneath me, and cried out in regret when my body got viciously torn apart by the jagged rocks awaiting below.
But, what else could I have done? And what else should I have not? I could spend my entire life painstakingly sifting through the showering grains of the hourglass, attempting to find a diamond until time runs out; or I could simply let the sand fall away to its own accord as I willingly hold out my roughened hands below—hurting, helping, hoping. The unfortunate namesake “human” is deeply threaded through my innocent nerves, shutting out the callous pessimism which only seeks to permanently cease my blood circulation; still withering against the gentler stings of anguish.
Though I have slowly faded out most of my past anamnesis, all of their phantasmic chimeras are still somehow luminously vigilant, almost even barbarous in its unremitting pursuit to frivolously preserve my already-squandered youth. Yet I suppose, no matter…no matter. For now, you are the overgrown wildflower field lulling my tired providence to rest, under fluid stars and unplucked scars and quavering sympathy—the only thankless relapse fully able to keep me awake for multiple infinitudes every twilight’s eve.
What a stubborn thought; to be loathed, to be lost, to be loved by you.
Filed under Prose
Every time I think about your voice
I start to tremble, and my heart’s aching
And anytime you need a shoulder, I’m right there
You just gotta find a way, a way…
~*~
it’s been over
a year, and all
my insides have
turned bright blue
.
coldly choking
and churning at
the constant lie
to pull me through
.
it’s been over
a year, and yet
my insides don’t
feel brand new
.
still spitting
and screaming
“damn it, why did
it have to be you?”
~*~
You scream ‘don’t look’
You scream ‘don’t touch’
What have they done?
What have I not?
Filed under Poetry
my source of discomfort stems from sweeter apathy,
the one that subtly shifts behind frayed sweaters and
bubbles up from under clogged drains; the kitchen sink
is stained with petrified rose petals, your disinfectant love
creeps like cold chlorine under my tongue, and your kisses
taste like taking a deep breath under a swimming pool
but i don’t know why i cough up sea salt in my lungs
and the sand gets in my eyes and my fingernails, the
irritating grit keeps me vainly scratching all throughout
the night. you don’t seem to mind, for you have the covers
wrapped tightly around your body like a quilted cocoon, and
there’s a steady rhythm humming beneath the sweaty pillows;
of oxygen, and slowing pulse, and being unable to dream
while i dream up enough nightmares for the both of us
and the noisy skeletons in our padlocked closet. nobody’s
around to witness me jumping to conclusions, just an
inch of mattress that translates to transcontinental throes
you are so impossibly distant, whilst i quietly sit in the same
chair by the jammed window for hours and let myself wander—
perhaps i might chance upon a fairy tale place where home
feels like home, and not simply another temporary kingdom to lose
your keys; and where you are no longer a strange extraordinary metaphor
but rather, just a tiring contrary cliché that i’ll be more than glad to call my own.
Filed under Poetry
Closed doors, locked in, no keys
Keeping my feelings hidden
There is no ease, I need it to stop
And I want to be able to open up but
My feelings are fatal…
~*~
This much, I know, we will never be alone together.
I couldn’t ever bring myself to attempt to catch up
With you; quietly fearing this trembling uncertainty of
Completely tiring myself down with the futile chase
Only to find out that I arrived in dead-set last place,
So I’ll just allow you to leave me behind instead, as it is.
It just feels like the more happiness you’re getting,
The less of you I could have for myself—and though
I can’t and won’t deprive you of the things you’ve fully
Well deserved for a long time, I also can’t stop
Myself from being such a selfish machine, stupidly
Begging for something far beyond my taut reach,
Inadvertently trapping myself and wailing in anguish
When I have to chew at my own leg just to get out of it—
I just can’t stop myself from giving a damn about you.
But I guess that’s fine. You will never find me out anyway, and
Even if short-lived and shortsighted, I still dearly cherish
What little euphoric glimpses I had of your attention, even
If it meant nothing, I only wish nothing but the very best for you,
And I could only hope that this teaches me a final lesson;
One last acrid pill to swallow, hope I don’t choke this time,
No more. I could only ever endure too much. Please. Not anymore.
The more you feel alive, the more I slowly wither away inside,
But I couldn’t hate you for that. I could never hate you at all…
It’s not your fault I keep fucking losing control of myself.
~*~
How many times must I keep it inside
I need to let go and I swear that I’ve tried
But opening up means trusting others
And that’s just too much, I don’t want to bother
So I’ll keep it inside and bury it deep
I know it’s not healthy, but you won’t hear a peep…
Filed under Poetry
There’s no point in hiding the truth from a freak
She let her arms swell as he took a big bite, let it stick
So that the vessel ropes he could find a little easier
And all that remains would mean nothing else to her
.
Does it hurt this much to be okay? Am I all that will be gone?
Her questions were relentless, and his curt answers stung
All he could tell was that blood’s quite softer than water
And clorox swirls down the drain just a little bit slower
.
Don’t find me out yet, I’m still purging all of my guilt
Grey is just something when all these pills taste like filth
Her stomach emptied as his was filled, one more for the road
But pray don’t slip on the wet tiles, though comfortingly cold
.
Get out of that fucking phase! Are you just dying for style?
Well, I love you too mother dearest, you won’t be yelling for a while
An attention seeking bitch, just can’t be more like the others
You’re only ever good with your head submerged underwater
.
And so what if I am? Why, would I look bad in your final will?
Her spite crammed the walls and the shadows were thrilled
He stayed silent, quite cautious, let the anger be his chance
If it’s only to prove your point to me, then I know my own stance
.
Teethmarks stuck vicariously to the mould like their grotesque signature
His embrace was eternally automatic, and she was just a friendly reminder
Because really, what was the point? We’re just a bunch of deadweight freaks
But she made sure to stick out her arms and wear the truth on her sleeve.
Filed under Poetry
(uhhh idfk but here’s an absolutely terrible first actual attempt at spoken word poetry bc my rationality is severely dysfunctional ooft. sorry if i sound very weird. and talk very bad. i’m not exactly radio voice material but i tried?? i sound so annoyingly manic here that’s because i am and no one’s probably gonna listen to this so what am i even making excuses up for. this is far from my usual content but 2020’s a year of trying dumb regrettable shit i guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)
i am jealous of you,
beautiful, tiny, skinny creature.
beautiful, tiny, skinny, pretty
do you not know how it feels
to be so frustratingly jealous of you?
perhaps you do.
perhaps you wrap a ribbon around
your waist and your wrists and grab both ends and pull hard—
until your organs start to embrace each other
and the lack of blood makes your cheeks glow
beautiful, tiny, skinny creature
so pretty, perhaps each freckle on
your perfectly angled nose is mirrored
from every constellation in the sky
and your smile never grows crooked
because you practice in front of the mirror everyday,
lifting each corner delicately until the wind fixes it
into that permanent, enchanting look
beautiful, tiny, skinny creature
watch how they so adore you,
an undivided attention filled only with
wish-i-was and want-to-be’s and maybe-if-i…
but i will never be
you. beautiful, tiny, skinny creature
i pull at my ribbons until my veins start to show
but it snaps in half and flies back to my face; oh, my face,
whose spots reflect the craters in the dark side of the moon
and every time i try to smile, it’s a lunar eclipse
“witchcraft!” they call it
but which one am i?
beautiful, tiny, skinny creature
beautiful, tiny, skinny, pretty
our monsters are the same,
but why do yours look so
god damn beautiful?
when you speak, it hurts
and when i listen, it hurts even more
you can’t talk to yourself like that,
beautiful, tiny, skinny creature
there is someone out there who will
willingly ask for all your monsters
i’ll make them behave, i’ll take care of them, i promise
and you’ll still be beautiful
and tiny, and skinny, and pretty
and i’ll have more monsters
but i will still be
me.
Filed under Poetry
I can taste it, my heart’s breaking
Please don’t say that
You know, when you know
I can’t take it, I’m impatient, tell me baby
Now I know, you should go…
~*~
i used to be
the epitome
of everything
you did to me
but now i look
like you got me hooked
with half a brain
and more than pain
to keep me alive
where open tears thrive
i used to be me
but now i’m just
your fucking crybaby
.
’cause it’s not home
without dead bones
and the dirt in my eyes
to blind all the lies
it’s not funny now
the jokes we had back then
i laughed somehow
while you stretched my skin
until someone else
took my place
i wasn’t me
until i was just
your fucking crybaby
.
but now my face
has surpassed the storm
of your pure disgrace
and casual scorn
you had me taken
but i have awakened
before i got buried deep
in your funeral myth
what will you do now?
apologise like it’s true
but you’re not me
and i won’t be sorry
for a fucking crybaby.
~*~
I know I’ll fall in love with you, baby
And that’s not what I wanna do
I hope you won’t ever lie to me, and
If you do, I know I won’t be your cry baby…
Filed under Poetry
Watching the wings cut through the clouds
Watching the raindrops blinking red and white
Thinking of you back on the ground
There with a fire burning in your eyes
I only halfway apologized…
~*~
all you ever do
is fuck things up
with your grating noise
and bleed them dry
with your social razors
and yet you wonder
why you’re always
the last choice?
leave your duct taped
smiles all over the
peeling wall, before
you complain they don’t
know you at all
and force your feet
to dance like mad blowflies
decaying under heat
they won’t notice it’s a lie
a sour abandonment
burns the roof of your mouth
does it hurt not to care?
or to be cared about?
scratching at your arms
like that would take it away
quiet redness blossoms
but the scars look okay
so when you pull out
a cold disappearing act
rest assured they’re all tired
and glad you’ve stopped
because you’re insufferable
all you ever do is fuck things up
so, what do you say?
won’t you do everyone a
favour and please go away?
they won’t need you.
they never needed you.
they don’t fucking need you.
go away. go away. g o . a w a y .
~*~
So I’ll be sorry for now
That I couldn’t be around
There are things we have to do
That we can’t stand
Oh, I’ll be sorry for now
That I couldn’t be around
There will be a day that
You will understand…
Filed under Poetry
Pull the trigger tight and watch our distances explode
If Texas is forever, where’s your home sweet home?
If anything should happen to me, I want you to know
I’ve loved you since ever since then…
~*~
Up there, where the sky looks a little less blue and a little more like the love we used to have
That’s where I’ll be headed now darling, that’s where all the stars go to die
Five thousand years and a minute wasn’t enough to make you stay for the night, so I’ve
Set my sights for the southern lights, but won’t you at least say goodbye?
.
The cold in my hands are getting worse with each passing sunset I wasted on your breath
The diurnal dreams and burning cash, the handmade kisses stippling your shirt
Expect me to return before the moon forgets I wasn’t there, and my shadow falls into debt
With the tear stains on your bedroom wall, did you really think it wouldn’t hurt?
.
Like cigarettes and patron saints, I’ll always come back to haunt the corners of your lungs
Like aching sighs and floral lace, your promises falling on another eternity
Like half-opened novels abandoned facedown on the coffee table, like the last calls left unsung
Like the bullet on my throat you placed as you knew you couldn’t leave me
.
Down here, where the ground looks softer, but only before the final crash starts to strike
Where will you be headed now darling, did you ever ask the stars to lie?
Five million years and minute more, and I would have made you stay for the rest of your life
So set your mind, take the northern lights, I won’t be there to say goodbye.
~*~
Don’t dance around me, I know what it means
No communication cannot be received
But I’m such a sucker for the rain…
Filed under Poetry
A Lost Painting