Tag Archives: pain

the brightness of life

and at the end of

this asphyxiated

sunrise, what do

we have to gain?

was it a sense of

clarity, or simply

arrogant shame?

.

cross the threshold

hitting dead centre

the dark flags that

sheathed your eyes

will taint gold vision

with another kind of

negative space answer

.

because what was

left to pain, but all

the ones that were

cruelly left behind?

pretending empathy

while erasing names

off our fragile minds

.

too far lost to save

and recovering only

twisted histories and

rewriting our miseries

do you feel that sense

of serendipity, or do you

simply feel the same?

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Filed under Poetry

Next Time, It’s Not Just Going To Be A Graze Wound

If you could just step back and try to listen
You would have this all figured out
But your temptations start taking over
Bite and chew the hand that feeds you and I
I am the wretched wolf, feed my disguise
Learning while they cry lines of regret and despair…

~*~

And they’ll call you when you’re still sober, with twisted mouths bleeding smoke

From sucking on the saccharine pressure of trying to get high on smuggled hope

Is it still enough to endure? To find the side of you that’s not desperately aphotic?

Try to play it nice with the drunken sycophants and end up feeling nearly psychotic

.

Find another damn to waste and throw away the restricting boundaries within

It doesn’t count if it’s just a misdirected shot that all the cowards dragged you in

Changing your identity at the bottom of a broken bottle to save yourself some hours

It doesn’t feel so good to lie when your bloody stomach’s spitting out decaying sour

.

But it’s still fine…isn’t it? It’s what everyone does to get by and get away nowadays

Just to be dragged out by their brittle hairs into a world that’s devoid of paper-thin pain

Writing stories fit for prideful cuckolds while your inkstained hands are shaking with guilt

With your lover burning on the stake for the sins you’ve done, all’s fair in love and war and filth

.

And they’ll call you when you’re a total failure, with twisted smirks saying “I told you so”

Pretending to be your closest best friend but only arriving just in time for the final show

Have you found your perfect cure yet? The healthy overdose that’s bound to knock you out?

Try to be half the man you could never be, you know you’re gonna fucking get it now.

~*~

Yet there is no sincerity in the voice projected towards me
Taking the turn of a life and proceed to recycle
The smut into a powerful statue to show
Which way is home and which way leads to my mouth
Drowning all our fears in a euphoric stream of acid…

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Dame en Rouge

Si seulement elle savait comment
Comment tu la regardais elle serait effrayée
Si seulement elle savait comment
Comment tu l’imaginais elle pourrait t’abîmer
Mais laisse, laisse le temps
Il pourrait vous donner une chance de vous retrouver…

~*~

Lady in red

Rousing my dreams

You caught me by the mouth

And never let go

Until I deigned for more

To be the girl that you adored

To be the safest place

Behind locked doors in an

Endless maze

When her darkness

Played for another chase

Sweet words came flirting out

As scarlet as the lips

Leaving marks all over my face

And I wore them

Like the battle scars

Even though you clearly won

Me over and over me

You always left but I’m too far gone

Gone into this cold revelry

To find myself seeking for thrills

In a bottle of sleeping pills

Just so I could have a chance

To sweep you over for

Our final macabre danse

And when we both snuck away

For a cigarette, and perhaps a date

I found myself unwilling

To keep ourselves waiting but

The shadow woman

Then dared to violently strike

Shrieking for a cold-blooded fight

Wanting to take you back

And all away from this

Heartless madness

Maroon as the hands we held

And nearly tore

To try to keep intruders out

All before you sacrificed yourself

To save me from further

Having to quell their doubts

Desperately begging

Tears a tornado angrily swelling

You walked into her shadows

She laughed victoriously

You whispered a final farewell

I called your name

And I awoke—

A silent scream

Abrupt lamentation

Pained position

A hypnogogic confusion

Still searching for those poison eyes

To cripple my veins and

The sordid taste of chemical dye

As crimson as the

Lady in red

The reckless lover I never had

But always lost

I still wonder how

Only in my deepest nightmares did

I matter to you the most.

~*~

Mais tu voudrais qu’elle soit ta reine ce soir
Même si deux reines c’est pas trop accepté
Mais tu voudrais qu’elle soit ta reine ce soir
Toi, les rois tu t’en fous, c’est pas ce qui te plaît…

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Damaging The Hereafter

You’re just another momentary habit

Twisting lungs and curling veins

Giving way to indestructible hysteria

Pulling me in, writhing with grief

.

Your indifference entices my curiosity

Though my self-worth is quite expendable

Holding on to what we’ve barely got

When you were too afraid to hold my hand

.

Lethal enough to let you past the barricade

That separates my heart from my sternum

But the fault chews on my lips like kerosene

And I still taste you in the burning of sunrise

.

Mechanical angel, come and take me away

Our paradise is made of metal and crimson decay

I promise I’ll be fine, I’m only a past delusion

Conjured from the cordite against your perfume

.

But you won’t give me back the love I wasted now

And time crashes desperately against gritted teeth

Vehement tides exposing skins, dyed with misery

Clammy from the accidents, calling for emergency

.

Think of me in the afterwards, consumed with self-secrecy again

Your mysteries embedding a thin film of desire underneath my skin

Pulsating with fever dreams and acidic pain, a vicious garden growing

You let me relapse just to understand but the final thrill was missing.

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Mirage

Alright. Alright.

Let’s keep it simple. Let’s dissolve the convoluted hyperboles with a dose of sedating fentanyl and simply look the problem straight in its eyes.

Blue.

Not just pastel or skylight or marine or brilliant or midnight or cobalt or baby blue, no. But the kind of blue that makes any other shade of blue look lifelessly grey. The kind of blue you left me with watery gazes and sinkholes, when you left your thoughts to fester unstoppably in mine. The very kind of blue I never thought I’d hate to love.

Until now.

Sometimes, it faintly tastes of the tranquil oceanic breeze, and I could rest easy by the lonely bayside as I let my wandering thoughts ponder cautiously. Tiptoes clumsily traipsing against curious hope and lukewarm sand, fallen horizons blushing a pallid sunset orange, caught smiling unaware whenever I chance upon the nuanced way you adored every delicate brushstroke on the canvas I painstakingly laid out for you; an artist cursed to draw the same portrait forever.

Sweet. Bitter. Nothing.

Sometimes, it’s destructive blizzards all at once; mental violence haphazardly spitting ammunition directly into my targeted chest, turning me into a tattered tapestry of miserable fury—barely fit to be called human. My mind wails and shrieks as it rakes its bladed nails down my spine, coming undone at the uncontrollable paranoia that the very same paintings which brought your attention to my existence would now cause you to draw loathing deep into my skin; an artist blessed to despise their own creations forever.

Tantrums. Bloody. Everything.

My convictions are constantly wavering, my tessellated identity shattering into stagnant fractals if I even so much shed a sliver of you off of my armour, and the overgrown thorns that once quietly infected my lungs sting a whole lot worse when I try to pull them out. So I lie between my gritted chemical teeth and pretend it’s for the best, but no amount of feigned reassurance will ever quell the tormented pangs writhing inside of me, wrenching badly-stitched arteries apart again and crushing my fragile bones to silver dust. Irreparable.

Useless. Helpless. Hopeless.

And still, that blue—god, that damned kind of blue—so vividly engraved behind my closed eyelids like a restless epitaph. Keeping me wide awake and screaming silently in the cramped jail cell I call my home as it softly lulls me off into perpetual sleep. Far away from the echoes of the observable universe, and everyone else, and nothing else. Your inimitable shade of blue.

The kind I hate I love.

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Filed under Prose

Continuums

It’s a statistical impossibility multiplied

I knew the chances worked against me

But I went on ahead and paid the price

Never knowing how much it really cost me

.

You wrote unsent letters for someone else

The very same way I always do for you

Are we both just chasing phantoms, then?

Love, are we both craving nothing new?

.

The pain spreads violence in my thoughts

Saturating every lusted wakeful nightmare

You’re tearing me away, you never found out

That this world is more than willing to play unfair

.

But I guess it’s my fault, I handed you the bullets

That ran under my skin in these times of despair

When my vulnerabilities gouged holes in my system

Connect the dots all you want, but I’m beyond repair

.

The last time I said was the last time I’ll do this

But it lasted too long to last—this time, I mean it

You’re just too vague, oh, this is all just too simple

I let my veins die for the sake of an open answer

.

Now the impossible’s melting, but melting into red

I knocked back bland neurosis just to sedate my head

I knew this was coming for me, I know that you’ll never care

But why does it hurt even more when there’s no space left to be unaware?

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The Cadaver’s Requiem

the abyss is your wornout teeth

creaking and gnashing at four in

the morning—deathly eves whisper

in alluringly sweeter nevermores

as your mind draws a point blank

chalky and arid, the rewind is set to

fit the blame and delirium quite sure...

lights dragging the diabolical taste

of cancer and firelight away to hell

as it burns for the hearts of infidels

though carry not the cursed hurt nor

wretched inferno that only means to

submerge its sharp, bleeding claws

deep down into your tender sternum

to slowly pick your entrails apart as it

would a grand and delectable banquet;

cerise mucilage trickles in between the

crook of your damned eternal frown,

moulding your seething madness into

a scream of inscrutable evisceration.

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Filed under Poetry

An Addict’s Automatic Love Letter

I’m in love with someone who’s hurting me killing me agonisingly slowly turning every word from my mouth into congealed blood and stale chewed gum and I can’t speak or breathe or eat anymore and it’s so heavy everything’s so heavy it’s like my bones are carved out of crude limestone but my brain is built of cheap plastic and it just refuses to work there’s a dogeared faded polaroid picture of you hidden somewhere in that fragile container and save for your radiant smiling face and soft baby blues it’s astonishingly empty no wonder that’s how I feel most days now most days it’s just the taste of your exquisite name lingering on my bruised lips though we never even kissed and some kind of sick distraction that never lasts long enough to send me back into the past to heal my scars if I didn’t run away from you like a complete coward back then would I be bravely holding your hand now? There’s really nothing much to do but sit around and contemplate and silently cope and stare at the bedroom walls bleached with dry rot and knuckle marks and try to ignore the creeping blood drawing underlines all over your wrists it’s about to burst oh god everything’s about to fucking explode into the most beautiful most violent most decadent shade of red———no. The carnage speaks for itself but I never once touched you no I wouldn’t dare taint your artful acrylic heart with my filthy damaged corrupted skin please you’re so perpetually pretty and I’m just the mess you made and you didn’t even know no you’ll never even know I don’t know why that pains me the most when it should be all for the best and you should be happy you deserve that much and more and I love you my darling yes I do you’re worth more than all the black holes and stardust in the universe and I’ll never adore and cherish anyone more than you but it’s sad to say you’ll always be hurting me killing me choking my words from a million miles and oceans away a million times over until drowning becomes just another bad habit and my obsessive lungs are filled with taffy and saltwater and it’s weighing my tongue down I can’t speak anymore though I have too much to say to you but you’ll never hear me out so I guess I should save myself for hell and dream of you just one last time to see if the thrill of the chase lasts longer than the capturing kill (I’m certain it wouldn’t, but the stupid things I would do for you in an arrested heartbeat could stop my twitching pulse) and finally shut up.

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Filed under Prose

stranglehold

go on then,

crucify me

pick the scabs

out of your lips

and crash—

teeth on teeth

flesh on paper

steel against vein

and purify me

candelabras in

your eyes don’t

make you any

more sophisticated

extinguished soul

.

caught between

the corners of

an odd judgmental

glance, periphery

lost to medicine

and last-minute

pity fucks, when

you promised

the rounds were

fast and blank

enigmatic body

corrupted fire—

have you ever seen

such darkness?

.

entering and

dismembering

five seconds of

euphoria to last

a lifetime and

then some; the

way you settle

into the victim’s

pain and fight it

off with sulphur

petrifying, falling

over…go ahead,

sinner. cast the

first fatal stone.

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Filed under Poetry

Ruthlessness

“The thing I think I love
Will surely bring me pain
Intoxication, paranoia
And a lot of fame…”

~*~

Mix me with plagues

Viciously tear me apart

Blue stains on your fingertips

As I declare uncivil war

.

Sleeping with deadbolts

And you bare your attacks

Break down the barriers

This death’s out to play god

.

Horror and sweetness

I can’t tell the difference

Decision’s full of derision

Bloat in fetid limerence

.

Devour my humanity

It’s what I fucking deserve

Scoop up my insides

Secrets all ready to serve

.

Seething with poison

Belladonna, touch me not

Betray me with a blink

There’s nothing left but blood

.

Bad infection and emotion

It hurts us all just the same

Eloquence holds decadence

Are you ready for some pain?

~*~

“Three cheers for throwing up
Pubescent drama queen
You make me sick, I make it
Worse by drinking late…”

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Filed under Poetry