Tag Archives: pain

Mirage

Alright. Alright.

Let’s keep it simple. Let’s dissolve the convoluted hyperboles with a dose of sedating fentanyl and simply look the problem straight in its eyes.

Blue.

Not just pastel or skylight or marine or brilliant or midnight or cobalt or baby blue, no. But the kind of blue that makes any other shade of blue look lifelessly grey. The kind of blue you left me with watery gazes and sinkholes, when you left your thoughts to fester unstoppably in mine. The very kind of blue I never thought I’d hate to love.

Until now.

Sometimes, it faintly tastes of the tranquil oceanic breeze, and I could rest easy by the lonely bayside as I let my wandering thoughts ponder cautiously. Tiptoes clumsily traipsing against curious hope and lukewarm sand, fallen horizons blushing a pallid sunset orange, caught smiling unaware whenever I chance upon the nuanced way you adored every delicate brushstroke on the canvas I painstakingly laid out for you; an artist cursed to draw the same portrait forever.

Sweet. Bitter. Nothing.

Sometimes, it’s destructive blizzards all at once; mental violence haphazardly spitting ammunition directly into my targeted chest, turning me into a tattered tapestry of miserable fury—barely fit to be called human. My mind wails and shrieks as it rakes its bladed nails down my spine, coming undone at the uncontrollable paranoia that the very same paintings which brought your attention to my existence would now cause you to draw loathing deep into my skin; an artist blessed to despise their own creations forever.

Tantrums. Bloody. Everything.

My convictions are constantly wavering, my tessellated identity shattering into stagnant fractals if I even so much shed a sliver of you off of my armour, and the overgrown thorns that once quietly infected my lungs sting a whole lot worse when I try to pull them out. So I lie between my gritted chemical teeth and pretend it’s for the best, but no amount of feigned reassurance will ever quell the tormented pangs writhing inside of me, wrenching badly-stitched arteries apart again and crushing my fragile bones to silver dust. Irreparable.

Useless. Helpless. Hopeless.

And still, that blue—god, that damned kind of blue—so vividly engraved behind my closed eyelids like a restless epitaph. Keeping me wide awake and screaming silently in the cramped jail cell I call my home as it softly lulls me off into perpetual sleep. Far away from the echoes of the observable universe, and everyone else, and nothing else. Your inimitable shade of blue.

The kind I hate I love.

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Filed under Prose

Continuums

It’s a statistical impossibility multiplied

I knew the chances worked against me

But I went on ahead and paid the price

Never knowing how much it really cost me

.

You wrote unsent letters for someone else

The very same way I always do for you

Are we both just chasing phantoms, then?

Love, are we both craving nothing new?

.

The pain spreads violence in my thoughts

Saturating every lusted wakeful nightmare

You’re tearing me away, you never found out

That this world is more than willing to play unfair

.

But I guess it’s my fault, I handed you the bullets

That ran under my skin in these times of despair

When my vulnerabilities gouged holes in my system

Connect the dots all you want, but I’m beyond repair

.

The last time I said was the last time I’ll do this

But it lasted too long to last—this time, I mean it

You’re just too vague, oh, this is all just too simple

I let my veins die for the sake of an open answer

.

Now the impossible’s melting, but melting into red

I knocked back bland neurosis just to sedate my head

I knew this was coming for me, I know that you’ll never care

But why does it hurt even more when there’s no space left to be unaware?

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The Cadaver’s Requiem

the abyss is your wornout teeth

creaking and gnashing at four in

the morning—deathly eves whisper

in alluringly sweeter nevermores

as your mind draws a point blank

chalky and arid, the rewind is set to

fit the blame and delirium quite sure...

lights dragging the diabolical taste

of cancer and firelight away to hell

as it burns for the hearts of infidels

though carry not the cursed hurt nor

wretched inferno that only means to

submerge its sharp, bleeding claws

deep down into your tender sternum

to slowly pick your entrails apart as it

would a grand and delectable banquet;

cerise mucilage trickles in between the

crook of your damned eternal frown,

moulding your seething madness into

a scream of inscrutable evisceration.

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Filed under Poetry

An Addict’s Automatic Love Letter

I’m in love with someone who’s hurting me killing me agonisingly slowly turning every word from my mouth into congealed blood and stale chewed gum and I can’t speak or breathe or eat anymore and it’s so heavy everything’s so heavy it’s like my bones are carved out of crude limestone but my brain is built of cheap plastic and it just refuses to work there’s a dogeared faded polaroid picture of you hidden somewhere in that fragile container and save for your radiant smiling face and soft baby blues it’s astonishingly empty no wonder that’s how I feel most days now most days it’s just the taste of your exquisite name lingering on my bruised lips though we never even kissed and some kind of sick distraction that never lasts long enough to send me back into the past to heal my scars if I didn’t run away from you like a complete coward back then would I be bravely holding your hand now? There’s really nothing much to do but sit around and contemplate and silently cope and stare at the bedroom walls bleached with dry rot and knuckle marks and try to ignore the creeping blood drawing underlines all over your wrists it’s about to burst oh god everything’s about to fucking explode into the most beautiful most violent most decadent shade of red———no. The carnage speaks for itself but I never once touched you no I wouldn’t dare taint your artful acrylic heart with my filthy damaged corrupted skin please you’re so perpetually pretty and I’m just the mess you made and you didn’t even know no you’ll never even know I don’t know why that pains me the most when it should be all for the best and you should be happy you deserve that much and more and I love you my darling yes I do you’re worth more than all the black holes and stardust in the universe and I’ll never adore and cherish anyone more than you but it’s sad to say you’ll always be hurting me killing me choking my words from a million miles and oceans away a million times over until drowning becomes just another bad habit and my obsessive lungs are filled with taffy and saltwater and it’s weighing my tongue down I can’t speak anymore though I have too much to say to you but you’ll never hear me out so I guess I should save myself for hell and dream of you just one last time to see if the thrill of the chase lasts longer than the capturing kill (I’m certain it wouldn’t, but the stupid things I would do for you in an arrested heartbeat could stop my twitching pulse) and finally shut up.

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Filed under Prose

stranglehold

go on then,

crucify me

pick the scabs

out of your lips

and crash—

teeth on teeth

flesh on paper

steel against vein

and purify me

candelabras in

your eyes don’t

make you any

more sophisticated

extinguished soul

.

caught between

the corners of

an odd judgmental

glance, periphery

lost to medicine

and last-minute

pity fucks, when

you promised

the rounds were

fast and blank

enigmatic body

corrupted fire—

have you ever seen

such darkness?

.

entering and

dismembering

five seconds of

euphoria to last

a lifetime and

then some; the

way you settle

into the victim’s

pain and fight it

off with sulphur

petrifying, falling

over…go ahead,

sinner. cast the

first fatal stone.

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Filed under Poetry

Ruthlessness

“The thing I think I love
Will surely bring me pain
Intoxication, paranoia
And a lot of fame…”

~*~

Mix me with plagues

Viciously tear me apart

Blue stains on your fingertips

As I declare uncivil war

.

Sleeping with deadbolts

And you bare your attacks

Break down the barriers

This death’s out to play god

.

Horror and sweetness

I can’t tell the difference

Decision’s full of derision

Bloat in fetid limerence

.

Devour my humanity

It’s what I fucking deserve

Scoop up my insides

Secrets all ready to serve

.

Seething with poison

Belladonna, touch me not

Betray me with a blink

There’s nothing left but blood

.

Bad infection and emotion

It hurts us all just the same

Eloquence holds decadence

Are you ready for some pain?

~*~

“Three cheers for throwing up
Pubescent drama queen
You make me sick, I make it
Worse by drinking late…”

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Goodbye Mausoleum

The normal man, promised all things
Brought into this, taken by pain
He mistook home for grave
The normal man, filtered by hate
Living to pay, buying what’s fake
He mistook home for grave
It’s not what we’re made to be
So why’d he do it?

~*~

You took one taste of notoriety

And now you smell like a funeral march

Kindle the pain with some anxiety

To shatter the ground beneath you apart

.

You cannot decode what’s right anymore

So you left the rope hanging in your closet again

Someday, you’ll be brave enough to wear it

But for now, the bruises will make do and repent

.

And you spin, and you spin, dizzy out of control

Dance with faux illusions as you seethe with the wind

Picking at the cracks until it grows into a hole

For you to fall under, but you’re just too sick to grieve

.

For you might be strong, but the hurt’s indestructible

Fight all you want, since you’re so used to losing

Scissors and blindfolds reveal no justice for terrors

Fight all you want, the ammunition’s reloading

.

To empty all your thoughts away and clear your hollow head

There’s no rest for the wicked but there’s some rest for the dead

And the headline isn’t too morbid, the parade is solemn and slow

Oh, how they all loved to see you buried and yet they hated to see you go.

~*~

I guess he just did not know
I guess we just do what we’re told
The anthem cries, but why listen?
I guess we just do what we’re told
Betrayed again, betrayed again
What began as life for him
Was only sorrow, was only shame…

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Filed under Poetry

Make It Count, Ilsa Lund

You cut me off, I lost my track
It’s not my fault, I’m a maniac
It’s not funny anymore, no it’s not
My heart is like a stallion
They love it more when it’s broken
Do you wanna feel beautiful?
Do you wanna?

~*~

You taste just like a brittle toothache

Wire me up and around and make me too fake

And I’ll swim inside your favourite shirt

While you’re still wearing it—now, does it hurt?

My esoteric youth’s breaking broken on your gaze

I’m surely unwise but I think I love that face

So let’s stay up early and get into trouble

Writing stupid songs to make weak hearts tremble

But this isn’t a sweet story, just another warning

On the back of a cigarette box, addicts and nicotine

Shove out all my oxygen and make me believe

That the dizziness is only a side effect of your kiss

I’m all fucked-up and high on your lows

But I’ll let you change your mind if you don’t let it go

You’re all fucked up and crashing down fast

But I’ll arrest it by the knifepoint just to make it last

Because you make me too endorphin reckless

And going for turbulence as my adrenaline amazes

The thrill of your tomorrow, slats set up for the kill

You hung me out to dry and held on to my life at will

But I’ll hold you against me like you’re my only crime

‘Cause I have forever to waste but I just don’t have the time

You taste like an existential crisis, you smell like baby stars

And I’d wear that fragrance everyday—do you mind going a bit too far?

~*~

I don’t know where you’re going
But do you got room for one more troubled soul?
I don’t know where I’m going, but
I don’t think I’m coming home
And I said, I’ll check in tomorrow if I don’t wake up dead
This is the road to ruin and we’re starting at the end…

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Filed under Poetry

ativan

a mouthful of chalk,

mixed with lead and ashes

as the room spins a record

only my dazed eyes could hear

.

a mouthful of chalk,

mixed with your toxic words

my migraine plays me a film

of my self-destructive apathy.

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Filed under Poetry

Asylum Fiction

Walk away, in a field of soft roses

Taint of blame and corrupted blood

Pointed fingers pricked on thorns

Carving out olden scars of liquid gold

.

Bloated bodies twisted like vineyard green

Of jealousy, of crushed lies, of purest arrogance

I’m a mere suture away from a finished letter

So cut my chest wide open and read all my sins

.

Surely, these careful feet won’t shatter on glass

That broke beneath the creaking floorboards

Ending the same—trickling droplets of roseate

Infatuated with bliss and miasma, vials of life

.

Almost unattainable, phantom cold to the touch

Picturesque memories sparsely hanging onto the

Dusty hallways crawling with naphthalene ghosts

Roaming, distorting portraits and jagged mirrors

.

And outside the garden terrace, in a field of soft roses

Porcelain bones are buried underneath, blooming with whispered prayers

From a catatonic past, long faded and frayed at the edges

Will you walk away now, or dwell until your soul withers with the seasons?

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Filed under Poetry