Tag Archives: understand

Blind Ears To See, Deaf Eyes To Hear, Mute Mouth To Speak

True friends lie underneath
These witty words I don’t believe
I can’t believe a damn thing they say anymore
Lie! Liar, you’ll pay for your sins
Now! Liar, I know all the places you’ve been
Forgiveness—this taste all but poisons my mouth…

~*~

We all have arbitrary problems

Whether it’s petty or magnanimous

The cryptic remains we wish to seal up

And bury inside a metal sarcophagus

But it could be easily exhumed

Or never even entombed, after all

And inevitably, sooner or later

I shall play the role of the coroner

When I’m contorted in a painful position

It gets to me, red sprites of confusion

To inject dopamine, a blush of adrenaline

But instead I’m simply a machine

Automatic in my messages underhand

Pretending that I could understand

What’s easy is difficult, I go into overdrive

The train of thought which never arrives

I wish I could spill out waves of clarity

Instead of letting the cobwebs gather

In my drying, decomposing mouth

Conflicted about platitudes I muttered

If only I could then convince myself

To cease listening to blaring smoke alarms

Remove the arrow lodged in my trachea

And ask why, it will do me no harm

But instead I end up feeling incompetent

In total oblivion from such a situation

I’m not a companion, but I’m merely a bench

A rusted statue, a broken monkey wrench

Seminal symptoms that cripple and debilitate

Responses taken from a mind that is surrogate

I wish I could confront, interfere, absolve dysthymia

But my tongue is affected by parasaethesia.

~*~

I scream but nothing, nothing will come out, you’ve gone too far
So tell me how does it feel, how does it feel to be like you?
I think your mouth should be quiet ’cause it never tells the truth
So tell me, so tell me why, why does it have to be this way?

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metal & skin (xxviv.)

i’m not a fucking idiot

i know what i’m doing

and if you think you’ll

pacify me by freezing

my blood with iciness

then i’ll drown in your

concern, after all, you

damn know what’s best.

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assumptive apologies thrown out at the walkway

Isn’t it obvious I’m a wreck
I set these fires just for you
Isn’t it obvious I’ve calmed down
I saved my breakdowns just for you…

~*~

i’m sorry that

i was never there.

that i was just

one trivial moment

in all of life’s

sordid complexities,

the benzedrine

you impulsively take

at three in the morning,

effects shooting up

your severed veins

but always subsiding.

i just wish i didn’t

have to feel like

a counterfeit dollar,

washed up and torn apart

because i look far

too factitious to be

of any use for anyone;

or that final cigarette

you take under the midnight

streetlamps to experience

thrill one last time

before you stop forever.

my conscience feels

strangely disembodied.

i don’t know if

this guilt is justified

or simply being irrational

i don’t know if my

attachment is paramount

or just another necessity

like sleep, or food,

that you can easily replace

i don’t know if i’m

overused, or misunderstood

or i’m simply being

a complete presumptuous,

one-sided, narcissistic

fool about all of this…

i don’t know my function.

i’m confused by your confusion,

and i’m sorry if i’m wrong

but i’ll be even more

sorry if i turn out to be

right.

~*~

I want what I need, I need what I want
And I’m not what you wanted
I felt you slowly slip away, those cemetery eyes
These seven deadly sins, these forty days of night
Have severed all our ties…

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Invisible Hands

When all you’ve got is these four walls
It’s not that hard to feel so small
Or even exist at all…

~*~

Senses desensitised, screaming silently, chained to my own body

Blindfolds and folded gags and covered hands stifling me

There’s a trap in my soul, shadows eclipse my heart

Within the midnight of my mind lies a sky, starless and dark

.

For the words I can’t speak drips like cyanide off my mouth

And it tastes more bitter and deadlier than poison when I’m unable to shout

Lips stained scarlet, eyes tear-stained, as suffering festers in doses of pain

Manacles fettered to my sanity, I can’t set free, here I’ll remain

.

The unsaid ferments in my tongue, and drowns the abyss and pierces the glass under my skin

Every nerve, every vein, every shiver, every twitch, every beat of my pulse is rebelling

For the taciturn glance that tells of a million rampaging emotions, I can only hope you understand

That I’m not at fault for this cruel affliction, I’m simply being held back by invisible hands.

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Come on Holly, Put the Gun Down for Me

Love me as you lay
Dizzy and falling, y
our legs dangling
Accidents happen, they happen to me
Try to forget the beginning and end…
Forget the world!
Without removing t
he glass from your lips!

~*~

Make me another promise

About the seven sins I spilled

All over your faded grave

And the starry innocence I killed

I know I haven’t been the best

But I did it when you were at your worst

Holly, you’re making me choke

I’m steering off my turnpike course

Don’t let me go away now

When I’m about to ask you how

Everything under the roses

Makes me think in bloodred guesses

This rage is highly contagious

It’s severing my every vein quite vicious

The candle lights mask your tears

Only your sunny friends never hear

Holly, you’re killing me here

Your ambitions are craving my envy

Dysthymia’s slipping on your lips

Like cold Novocain and an apology

But don’t call me then hang yourself

Trying to reach for the dollar on the moon

Playing hooky’s bad for your health

We’ll grow up, but not too soon

These fingertips left marks on my throat

With every white lie that you spoke

Holly, I still love the way you murder me

I’ll offer you my doubts and maybe’s

But life can be a cruel farce to envision

I’ll keep the gun from my mission

Your necklace of bullets complimentary

To the blood falling on my gurney

You won the fight Holly, and no pet names

Will taint your rallying soul anymore

And I spent all of my what-ifs and initial fame

Simply trying to attempt to keep score

I have got nothing else left to give but my never

‘Cause I thought these two hearts called a truce

Now tell me Holly, when you say that it’s all over

I understand, but what have you got to lose?

~*~

Doll up and sleepwalk
Until we have some teeth marks
Narcotic sweet talk
Until we have some teeth marks…
(This whole place is gonna burn!)

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[s]hard

it’s so

difficult

trying

not to

assume

anything

when all

one can

see is a

double-

bladed

meaning.

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Second chances, they don’t ever matter

I’m an impossible person, a total mess

I haven’t got any clue

I lose my grips on foolish contrivances

That much is all true

But I found someone, a damaged man

Though I never knew

You are the only one who understands

And now I lost you too.

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Of Detestable Desires and Despicable Devotions

This isn’t fair, no
Don’t you try to blame this on me
My love for you is bulletproof
But you’re the one who shot me…

~*~

I don’t understand any of this.

All this opposite similarity, juxtaposed like faded victorian photos in a chromolithograph pendant, an elegant display of memory destruction. Your perfect contradictions. Your earnest sarcasm. Your subtle noticeability. Your intellectual nonsense. How I fell down towards the sky for you. It’s so confusing.

You’re so confusing.

You were the aspirating medicine that poisoned me into debilitation. You were the rusty nail that pierced my discoloured skin and cured my tetanus. You were the hypodermic injection of the drug that made me so high I began to hit the ground.

You were the disease that saved my life.

You were the shadows that kept me comforted as you beckoned the monsters on. You were the darkness that provided me with light at the end of the hopeless tunnel. You were the lingering dawn that never allows me to catch the faintest glimpse of sunrise.

You were black and white, respectively.

You played the professional doctor while you tore experiments down my wrists and carved notches in my backbones. You stitched my wounds shut as you proceeded to open fresh ones. You were my ravelled bandages, and you left me to bleed out.

You were the death cure that nearly killed me.

I was invincibly bulletproof until you shot me with a guillotine. You were a modern day Midas and you turned my stone heart to gold, but you stubbornly refused to touch your own coalfield chest. You were the concentrated oxygen that asphyxiated me as I inhaled your fumes to breathe suffocation.

You were the safest dangerous thrill.

You were fire, burning empires in angry hate and providing towns incandescence in softest hope. You were water, drowning cold lungs and circulating warm blood. You were earth, burying emaciated corpses underneath with moonlight requiems as efflorescent verdancy pushes upwards to greet the ode of the sun.

You were an element that can build and destroy at the same time.

You were the ministerial soldier in a war who offered me the white flag and bayoneted me in the head as I reached for it. You were the scholarly literature that emptied my mind of all knowledge. You were the coronary-inducing suspense that never left me hanging resolutely.

You were the worst kind of poetry.

You were so singularly ironic that you could cure anaemia. I wanted to explore and extricate your simple complexities, so I can finally solve it and leave your unending mystery alone. You were killing me ever so slowly, making me crave for eternal sleep, so that when I die, I can awake to life.

You were the gravity that made me float, and I can’t pull away.

You were never a singular personality. You were murderer who cries over his victims, a mad scientist reviving the patients she killed, a lunatic lover looking for some sanity in the moon. You were a compassionate sociopath, a sinful saint, a lying candour, an innocent hatred. You were a grotesque beauty, you were eternally ephemeral, you were a cruel god.

You were an impossibility.

Most of all, you were hopelessly incomprehensible. I could research the entire world, ascend above human rationale, learn relentlessly for a thousand years, and yet I can still never begin to comprehend the very thought of you. And you are clever, yes, elegantly clever and yet so barbarously sadistic, my love. You knew I wouldn’t ever understand, I was just like the rest of them, so you walked away from me without a second thought and left me. You left me hurting emotionally and physically, you left me for good, and you left me for dead.

You are despicable beyond measure, and I can never leave you.

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